It was not an easy day

Not everyday is easy, and I try so hard to limit myself from feeling emotionally awful, but it's inevitable at times to control it. 9 months was yesterday, and Sydney was on my mind throughout the whole day. I knew from the beginning of the day that it was not going to be a good day emotionally. I had to brush away my tears several times today. Everyone that I saw yesterday asked either about Sydney or referenced her in some way. This usually doesn't bother me, but yesterday I got flashbacks, and just missed her so much.  There was one thing missing yesterday, and that was my emotional piece. I was overtired, so that didn't help, and I think it was just time for me to let my feelings go. At times I just need to let myself cry, and not hold it all inside. 

I can honestly say I push myself at times. I do things for Logan, and sometimes the memories that I have from Sydney really affect me. I could pinpoint what really sent me over the edge yesterday- "dancing penguins" at the Christmas Store that made me really sad. All I could think about was last year when Sydney was there, had her multi-colored red and green pants on, her red bow, and reindeer shirt, and was dancing with them.

After we left the store I tried to hold it in. I went by myself to do a few errands, and just wanted to be alone. As I got back in the car I just started to cry, and when I mean cry I mean almost having a full blown panick attack. The feeling you get when you are so emotionally drained is just overwhelming. It's almost painful. I try to explain sometimes how it feels to have a weight on your heart everyday, but it's really difficult. 

I felt so much better after I let out a good cry; however, my body was paying the toll. Holding it in for so long is not good and can really effect me. I have a constant pain that will never go away.  It's a pain that will be with me forever. 9 months later, and the pain is still there. It hurts, and I do all I can to breathe and push forward.