Remember the sparkle is being spread

Even though I don't write everyday I still need to remember that her sparkle has such an impact on people that I don't even know. Here is a little post from someone the other day that just found my blog. I appreciate the fact knowing that people still reach out, and keep the sparkle alive. Some days are easier then others as we continue to spread the sparkle one day at a time. 

As always I will continue to sparkle on for Sydney, as she wouldn't want anything else!!!

Who are Ne-Ne's friends?

I feel as parents we've done the best we can explaining to Logan about Sydney's passing. We've taught him about her sparkle, always remembering, and keeping that twinbond alive. It's only natural as Logan gets older that he will have more questions, and we will have to do our best to answer them. Everyday we go to Sydney's area to visit her. It's pretty much the same routine. Logan will roll down his window, and blow a kiss to the sky. He often will talk about his day to her, or sometimes will just be silent. Yesterday, he took me by surprised and asked ," Mama who are Ne-Ne's friends all around her? Do you know them?" 

I needed an answer, and one fast. I tried so hard explaining to him and said, "some people we might know, and some we don't; however, they all are in the sky with her." I could tell that the answer I gave was not the best for a 3.5year old, but was hoping it would stick for now. I know as time goes on Logan will have more questions, and as he gets older it will all come together. For now we just do our best to continue to answer, and always remember the sparkle. 

It was a great birthday

Yesterday was a perfect day to celebrate my birthday. It was filled with well wishes, friends, and family. The day started out at the beach with LoLo and friends, and then ended with a cake and snuggles from my little family. It was a great day. Yesterday I tried to focus on the positives of the day as life can change at any moment. I knew Sydney was watching over us, and probably even had a little party hat on for her mama. Another year in the books, and a new year ahead. Let's see what "33" can bring, as I take one day at a time! 

Keep Sparkling Birthday Girl!!!

Your birthday comes once a year. It's the day that you reflect, remember, and make new goals until your next birthday comes around. What a year it has been! I've laughed, I've cried, I've shared joy, I've shared tears, and I've remembered! What's crazy is to think about how far you've come within a year since your last birthday. What has changed, or what has stayed the same? Life keeps on going, and you can choose to stop in your tracks, or dig a little deeper to make it by each day. I've chosen to dig deeper, even as hard as it is each day. I think back to how far I've come since Sydney has passed, and to be brutally honest I don't know how I've made it this far. Strength from the loved ones who care, support from people I know and never met, and the sparkle that somehow lifts me up each day. 

As I turn "33" today all I can think of is, "what is the next year going to be like, how am I going to take one step forward each day, and what will a new baby bring to the mix?"

I can only hope that the support, and love I have will continue to grow. I will continue to keep the sparkle shining, keep my head up, be a great mommy, and take it day by day. Let's see what "33" has to offer for this mama. Today will be filled with lots of love, laughter, family, and friends. That's exactly what a birthday should be filled with! Happy Birthday to Me!

Always on my mind

Some days I miss you more than others!!!    I often don't understand why, and how come life had this plan for us? Each day that goes by you are ALWAYS on my mind. I see you so much through LoLo, who I know misses you so much!!! Life isn't easy without you baby girl. 

Salem Willows

A lot has changed since the last time we went to Salem Willows. Last time we were there was when Sydney and Logan were only 3 months old. It was one of our summer outings that year. Almost three years later, we finally went back with Logan yesterday. This time Logan was without his twin. On the ride over I talked to Logan about the last time we were there. Logan would make reference to his sister throughout the day, and would say, "the last time I was here I was a baby with Ne-Ne." Logan was very occupied yesterday with food, video games, popcorn, and of course "cousin Sophia" that he loves. It was a great day yesterday with family. I really loved how we talked about Sydney at times, and focused on new memories. We will definitely be back to the Willows again, but next time baby Maddox will be here. Logan can share lots of new memories with him.  

 

Many different feelings all inside

I was going to start this blog with, "you know the feeling when...", but decided that their my feelings, and most people don't understand what's going on in my mind or my heart at times. Friends, family, and others listen, but they can't feel the hurt you physically have. No one actually can take those feelings away and say, "I 100% understand", unless they've been through something exactly the same as you. In this situation I would hope that no one ever goes through what we have endured in the last year and a half. 

I've been up since 4:00am today trying to settle my heart down, and take care of these feelings that have been masked for awhile. The overcoming feeling of bringing a new life into this world again after losing a child is beyond explainable. I'm scared, worried, nervous, happy, and probably a whole bunch of other feelings all jumbled up into one. Will I beable to be the best mother I can be? Can I handle the heartache of losing Sydney and remembering her daily, while also loving Maddox and Logan? Seems like a lot for one person to endure. It's scary that's for sure, and like most days I do get by; however, some are harder then others. Today was one of them. 

Happy 4th of July

Each day, and holiday without Sydney is an adjustment. It's been the second Fourth of July without her, and we tried really hard to have fun and sparkle on. Our July 4th weekend festivities were just perfect. They were filled with family, friends, laughter, sunshine, and a little sparkle that came to visit. Sometimes Sydney will show signs that are very visible to her mommy; however, there are times that Sydney will come through without me even knowing. 

Yesterday that happened. We were all having a blast at the Pace 4th of July Party in the pool when a butterfly flew by. I remember thinking to myself, "Hi Syd" and just carrying on with Logan in the pool. He was quite a little fishy yesterday, and absolutely loves to swim. When I got in the car, and started looking through the pictures in my phone, I realized there was a butterfly with Logan in one of the pictures. Some may say it's a coincidence, but I say, "no". That was her way of joining the  festivities, and letting us know she was there. It was very special. We had a great day yesterday, and amazing holiday weekend.

 

Memories saved in a bench

The project is finally complete, and I couldn't be happier and grateful for a job well done by Shane. The bench that was Sydney's crib was finally completed yesterday, and it was more than I had expected. This project was hard for Shane and myself to complete. Shane had to build it, but I had to put away the memories that will be held close forever. You can't save everything in one spot, but I did a pretty good job of saving things that mean so much to me. Her little red shoes, bows, blankets, letters from her wall, and toys that were her favorite, just to name a few. It wasn't easy, but it is now down, and will be cherished forever. Sydney will forever live on in Maddox's room, and her sparkle will be kept alive by myself, Shane, and big brother Logan. One project done, and a few more to go before Maddox arrives. We are taking one day at a time. 

Goodbye June...Hello July

June was a very busy and emotional month. From the last days of school, to the AMAZING turnout of our First SparkleFest and Tutu Run, and then finishing it up with all the renovations to Sydney's room for Maddox's arrival. I'd say it was a busy month. There's no stopping the month of July. From busy outings with LoLo and friends, to birthdays ( including mine), lots of festivities for Stephanie's wedding, and more plans to Maddox's room, it's not going to stop. I don't write this blog post to complain about what's ahead, but just to get myself excited for a fun filled month. When I'm less busy I often dwell on the fact that Sydney isn't here. Having a busy month might mean I'll be tired physically, but will hopefully be happy all around. I take the good with the bad, and know that the grieving never stops. Sydney will always be on my mind everyday; however, this mama is going to try to enjoy herself this month. Bring on the fun, sun, and memories to be had!!!