Friday, July 31, 2015

Talking about the sparkle

Somedays I can talk about my baby girl so proudly without a tear in my eye, and other days it's so hard as my heart begins to beat really fast, and the tears begin to flow. I often look at Logan and feel so lucky to have such an amazing little boy; yet, sometimes I often ask "why" he had to lose his sister? He talks about her everyday, and the pain sure sets in as he looks me in the eye and says, "mama I miss Ne-Ne".
Each day is a challenge, and I often hide behind that smiles that appears. I try to do my best and take one day at a time. I know that there will be times that are difficult, and times I'll just want to breakdown, and that's alright. I just wish we didn't have to go through this at all, and our baby girl was still here. 

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Canobie Lake Park

Yesterday was hard very hard. I've actually been counting down the days until Canobie Lake would be here, and prepping myself for how I would be. I didn't think it would be that bad, because Shane would be there with me; however, Shane unfortunately had to work. Every year Shanes work puts on a picnic and all families are invited to Canobie Lake. Sounds like fun except last year we brought both Sydney and Logan, and we were there as a family of "four".
I knew it was going to be hard right from the beginning of the day when "time hop" over flowed with pictures, and memories that were made last year. 
How was I going to feel now that Logan was gojng to be there and wouldn't have his sister with him. I took a deep breath and off I went. I was so lucky to have Auntie Lindsey and her family, Auntie D and Uncle D there- that definitely made the day easier. 
Once we got in the park it wasn't so bad. My little man made my heart feel so much better. He absolutely LOVED everything he could go on. This kid had no fear, and a laugh that traveled right around the park. I laughed with Logan as we climbed through the maze at the waterpark, and slid down the water slides together- I even sent him by himself down a little one; however he wasn't happy with me at the end. "Mama you push me" are you ok Logan "Ya I'm ok".
I couldn't help but think about Syd at that moment. She did love the water; however if I probably would have sent her down alone she would have gave me that "diva look" - the mom are you serious look?
Like anyday I'm always looking for the sapekle and it can appear at anytime. As we were waiting in line for the kid rollercoaster( don't let it fool you it's fast) Linds had said to Logan to watch his shoe as he was put his foot in a space that he prob wouldn't get it back if he lost it. I went to put Logans shoe back on, and looked in the whole. There she was "Abby Cadabie" from Sesame Street. A small figurine was standing straight up. I looked at it and smiled. I showed Lindsey and she said, "yup she's here " 
Throughout the park there were many other "pink items"- the pink chair I had to sit in, the mouse with a pink bow that o had to pose with, the pink stuffed animal Logan had won with his uncle- she was everywhere. 
The only part of the day that made my heart ache was when we went back to the kiddie area we spent most of the time with at last year. As Logan rode a few rides alone I got sad- I just could picture Sydney there, and her ringing the bell with Logan as he rung it "alone" this time. 
I was so lucky that Zoe (Lindsey's daughter) wanted to go on a few things with Logan. She was "little mother hen" 
As the day ended and the memories were made I was proud of myself- I made it through another toughday. Today I was able to see the "sparkle" and enjoy the new memories with Logan and friends that are family. I actually can't wait until the next time we go as a family, because I want Shane to see how much Logan enjoys himself. Here's to another fun filled summer day with laughter that fills the air, and new memories being made.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

The Necklace that Sparkles

Since Sydney has passed away I have been given many pieces of jewelry that symbolize her. Each piece that i have holds a special place in my heart. I've actually tried to wear all the charms I've received on one necklace; however, that didn't work, because it was too heavy. 
There's one necklace that I do wear everyday, and I'm talking about it today, because lately Logan has been very intrigued by it. On the necklace there are two plates with their names on it and another locket with Sydneys picture on it ( thanks Jill). Each day since I have neceived the necklace Logan will point to it and say "Ne-Ne Mama" and grab the picture. Yesterday Logan did the same thing that he always does; grabs the necklace, and looks at her; however, what he said yesterday really broke my heart. Logan grabbed my necklace and said, "When Ne-Ne come back" "Miss Ne-Ne". Logans words have been explosive lately, so I knew exactly what he was saying. I took a deep breath and said, "Logan you know where Ne-Ne is..." He pointed up to the sky, and said "up there" and blew a kiss. It's very hard at times, and people often say that he won't remember her. That's one of the biggest things I'm adiment about- yes he will! I have and will do everything I can to make Logan remember his twin. If he chooses to look at my necklace everyday, and ask questions then that's something that needs to be done. It's hard...very hard at times. 
We are so lucky that the twin bond was strong enough for Logan to remember. I get so sad at times knowing she isn't here with him, and often envious of others whose twins share that relationship. One thing is for sure is that Logan is such a happy boy who brings such joy and light to everyone he meets. Although Sydney is not physically here with him I know she is with him in other ways. Logan is one lucky kid to have that sparkle always around him, and watch him everyday.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

1st Onesie Bear

If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever!!! - Winnie The Pooh

Sometimes it's the littlest things that make my heart happy. When Sydney passed away Shanes friends Kal and Jeannie dropped off a gift card to make a "memory bear". I never heard of this before, but couldn't wait to gather things together to remember my baby girl. I spoke to Janine who makes Memory Bears and she was so excited to help me with Sydneys bear. We decided to make a "first bear" for Sydney. I wanted to use all of her "first shirts" and shirts that were "so special to us".
I picked up the bear yesterday and started to cry. It was everything I ever could have imagined and more. I'd like to thank Shanes friends Jeannie and Kal for giving us a gift to do this and Janine for creating such a special bear that "symbolizes" and "sparkles" just like our baby girl did. This is such a special bear that will be cherished forever. Introducing "1st onesie Bear" A bear that "sparkles"

Monday, July 27, 2015

When I pause my heartaches

And yesterday it hit me...just like a ton of bricks. I was tired...its been a busy few days as I've had some girl time and then some family time. Lack of sleep and a rollercoaster of emotions can definitely catch up to you. I sat there yesterday and just cried to Shane. I was so just so sad, and even though I really couldn't put my finger on the exact reason it was alright. 
I often try to do a lot to fill the whole that's in my heart; however, sometimes when I stop I realize why the whole is actually there- reality check Sydney is not.
At times I hide so much emotion behind that smile, or that picture I just captured. In the end you really can't see the hurt that's inside, and the pain that just sits there like bricks on your chest.
I definitely don't regret all the things I've done lately; however, it's just painful when you have to pause. I've learned that you can't always go 100mph, and you often need to slow down. The problem is slowing down is more painful then you think. It's something that I have to deal with, and something that is going to be with me forever. 

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Filling the summer with new memories

It's hard to believe that July is almost over, but when I look back on everything that we've done so far to make this summer amazing- it makes me smile. 
This weekend we're making new memories and remembering the sparkle up in New Hampshire with Auntie Krissy and Uncle Stephan. 
Logan was talking about the "beach and boat" pretty much the whole ride up yesterday. As people know ready; he just loves the beach. Whenever I see him enjoy the water and beach so much I often wonder if Sydney would have such joy as Logan does. 
It's such a joy as Logans mom to watch his eyes light up with enjoyment. His vocabulary is exploding and his personality is shining more than ever. I've said it before I really really believe Sydneys traits are within Logan. Often when I look at Logan I have to double take as I see so much of Logan in him. 
New adventures and new memories were done. It wasn't pretty but I tried to waterski for the first time ( I bet Syd was laughing from above) Logan got to drive the boat, and we watched the sparkles light up the sky with some fireworks. 
All these new memories that we create often help with the pain that hits knowing that Sydney isn't here. As Krissy and I sat and talked last night we both couldn't help, but smile when we talked about how amazing Logan is, and how much we both miss Sydney. 
We will always miss her, and there will be moments that are harder than others. For now we will do our best to fill the rest of the summer with the best moments possible. Here's to another great day in New Hampshire!


Saturday, July 25, 2015

The Sparkling Reality

As I boarded the plane back to Boston I couldn't help but have  an array of emotions. I was sad to leave Pittsburgh after a fun 24hour girls adventure, but so excited to come back home to Logan and Shane. Then it hit me "Logan and Shane" and not "Sydney". I've been doing well lately talking about Sydney and spreading the sparkle; however, as I sat at the airport I couldn't help myself, but get the pit in my stomach- the reality that Sydney is not there when I get home. The sparkle was there in Pittsburgh, and actually shined pretty well yesterday as we went into different stores shopping. 
Like any day with mixed emotions I'll be ok and take a deep breath. I've made new memories, remembered the old, and had a great few days. When I walked into the house last night and Logan woke up with a smile from ear to ear and said "mommas home" I couldn't help but feel the pain subside. There's my little boy who loves me so much, and makes me so happy. 
Another adventure done and a new adventure this weekend. We're doing the best that we can and taking one day at a time. Next stop the beach this weekend with friends that are family. It's going to be a great weekend as we laugh, have fun, spread the sparkle, and make new memories. Bring on the sun, the sand, and the spakle. 

Friday, July 24, 2015

Say Sparkle and Smile

I wouldn't have brought the sparkle to Pittsburgh without my pink tutu, and shirt to match. My friend Ally has been taking photography classes and she insisted that she get me to sparkle by having me stand in my tutu, and hold sparklers that she had bought. Away she flashed and the magic began. The sparkle was captured and the memories of Sydney will be remembered. 
There were moments today when I really missed Sydney and of course Logan back home. It's definitely hard to be away, but I've done my best to enjoy the time, and live in the moments. One more day to sparkle, and making memories in Pittsburgh. Here's to taking chances, capturing moments, and enjoying a mini reunion. 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Taking the Sparkle to Pittsburgh

Today's a big first for this mama- I'm going away for 24hours( which feels like forever) to have special "mommy time" or "mini reunion" with one of my dear friends Ally in Pittsburgh. 
The last time I flew without Shane was almost 5 years ago, and I have never been away overnight  from Sydney and Logan. Even though Sydney isn't here I know she would want her mommy to get away, and of course spread that sparkle in another state. 
Yesterday was tough in the morning as I wanted to spend as much time with Logan. Some people would say it's only 24hours, but I'll miss my little man. He was full of smiles, laughs, kisses, and extra hugs yesterday, which melts my heart. 
As I sit at the airport bright and early with my sparkle shirt on, pink duffle, tutu packed, and my sparkle Minnie Mouse I am ready. I am ready to just relax, kick back, and enjoy. It's been a rough couple of months with highs, and unfortunately many lows, but this mama needs to enjoy. Thank you to my amazing hubby Shane for being the best daddy and taking care of Lo-Lo. 
I know that there will be a lot of deep breathing, and I'm sure many signs. I mean the two people that were standing in front of me this am were identical twins, and both had sparkly sandals on- sparkle already.
Here's to new memories being made, remembering the old, and having a great time with my good friend Ally in Pittsburgh. Watch out Pittsburgh hope your ready for this mama and her sparkle.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

My Mini-Me

As I spread the sparkle each day many people that I've never met reach out and tell me how beautiful Sydney was, and how they could tell from pictures and videos how "spunky" she really was. Yesterday I spoke to someone on the phone who never met us, but couldn't stop talking about Sydney: how beautiful she was, how her personality shined, and how she pretty much seemed like her "mommy" even though she never has met me. I asked the lady why, and she said, "it's the positive attitude, the willpower to not let anyone stand in their way, and the ability to just have fun. I thought about her response for a minute after I was done with our conversation. "What would Sydney be like as she entered 2, 3, 4, and years beyond. Then it hit me. I kind of got this pit in my stomach; the feeling that I get when I start to get upset when I think of Sydney. 
She would have been just like me. She was starting to shine personality wise before she passed away, and it's breaks my heart that I won't get to see her personality evolve. I know deep down in my heart that she would have been this determined little individual with so much spunk that could light up the room. She would have been "strong", "creative", "funny" and "determined" just like her mommy.
I think about all the hopes and dreams I had for Sydney and place those in Logan. I can't tell you how much Logan has changed personality wise. He's pretty much a combination of Sydneys traits and his own personality. It's a wonderful feeling to see him laugh, smile, be creative, and just explore.
Each day there is something new, and as Sydneys legacy evolves I will become stronger, and keep her sparkle alive. I know she was starting to look like me, and over time would have been my "mini-me" ; however, all I can do now is make her "proud". It's such an unimaginable feeling to have something that was so precious to you be taken away in a second; however, the strength I get from people who know and have heard about the sparkle helps me get through. I'll do all I can to make Sydney proud, and keep on going even when it hurts.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

A Blog that Sparkles

My morning routine is pretty much the same everyday: wake up around 6:30am, blog, and then have a cup of coffee. Blogging is the first thing I do in the morning, because it's fresh on my mind, and it feels good to let my emotions out. Yesterday I actually "overslept" till 7:00am and almost fell out of bed when I realized what time it was. I frantically started to type away, and was laughing out loud that some people would wonder where that "blog" was since it's usually up around a certain time everyday. People tell me it's there "morning routine" to read  it. 
I had a dentist appointment yesterday morning and the first thing my hygienist had said to me was, "where was your blog this am I read it everyday and it wasn't there". I laughed and said, "I know I over slept". My blog is something that is so important to me, and has really taken off more than I expected. The amount of people that have reached out to me, have privately read, and shared is amazing. As of yesterday my blog has been viewed over 62,000 times since I started it two weeks after Sydney has passed away. 
Today marks my 110th post and as I continue to share this journey my hope is that I will inspire other people, and will help others in a time of need. Going through this emotional rollercoaster is something that I never wanted to sign up for. I've tried so hard to be as strong as I can for Logan, Shane, and others in my life; knowing I'll have my ups and downs. The words "strong mama" and "strongest woman I know" have all been said to me, which is beyond words to express my gratitude. 
There's not a day, or second that goes by that I don't think of Sydney; she's constantly on my mind. As her legacy continues to grow I want that sparkle to shine. I want everyone to know about her, the stories that I share about the "twin bond", and the memories that were made. 
Thank you for those that have supported my writing, and shared with others. I will continue to write as long as I can. I said from the beginning that I might not be able to write everyday; however, I've never missed a day since. I can't promise that I won't "sleep late again" as I got a pretty busy rest of the summer, but know I will do my best to write within the morning time frame :)
To a friend that reached out to me the other day and said, you need to share this blog more with you go! This blog is part of Sydneys legacy, this blog is to inspire, and this blog is to help me as I take one day at a time!

Sending lots of sparkles your way 

Sparkle on 

Sydneys Mommy

Monday, July 20, 2015

Happy Birthday Mommy

Turning another year older sure wasn't easier this year with out Sydney, but like always I did my best to look for the sparkle, and spend the day with my family as we hit the 4 month mark.
I had high hopes of a sparkle overload yesterday, but knew that Sydney was probably going to do a few little things as she has been leaving her signs all weekend. 
We got up bright and early and went to breakfast, but before we went to breakfast we stopped by Sydneys area. I told Shane about the ladybug that was there the other night, and said I wonder if it's still her. I looked at the Minnie Mouse, and then looked at Sydneys area and all of a sudden Shane says, " look at your window". Right on my window was the ladybug crawling around. Now some people might say a coincidence, but I don't believe that. Sydney knew that her mommy needed a sign bright and early. I took the ladybug, and showed Logan. His reply was, "mama a Ne-Ne bug". The ladybug flew around in the car as we drove away. That's pretty much all I really needed was to see that ladybug, and it was a good start to the day. 
We finished breakfast, and then went to the beach. I was so excited to show Shane how happy the beach makes Logan. As he splashed, built sand castles with Daddy, and looked for crabs I couldn't help but sit back for a minute and just smile. This is what makes me happy even though my heart aches at times. The sun was shining, and Logans laugh carried throughout the beach. Logans laugh is pretty much the same as Sydneys was, which makes me smiles.
The day ended with the perfect hotpink cake. It was filled with butterflies and of course said, "sparkle".
When I picked up the cake the lady said to me, "I wasn't sure if you'd be happy with all this pink. I've never covered a cake in hotpink frosting before." My reply was, "it's just perfect...lots of pink".
Of course this lady didn't know me, because coming from me you can never have enough pink and sparkles. 
As I blew out the candles and held Logan very tightly I did think of Sydney and joe I wish she was in my other arm. It hurt and definitely stung; however, I knew she was there. Another year older, and I made my wish. Of course I can't say my wish or it won't come true; however, my hope is that the rest of 2015 will be a better year, and as I blow out the candles next year I hope new memories will be made, we remember the old, and more sparkle will be spread overtime. 
Thank you everyone for all the birthday wishes.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

You win some you lose some

Some days are better than others and with each month that goes by it does seem to get easier, but the pain is always there. I've been talking a lot about this weekend. Its my birthday and 4-months since Sydney has been gone. A lot has happened in 4 months and to be honest I never thought I'd be in this place; being strong at times, spreading the sparkle, and making new memories. Each day is different, and with the amazing support system I have I know they will help me get through.
Last night I decided to go out with a few of my besties to the casino and out to dinner. We didn't really have the best dinner, but made up for it at the "Ellen" slot machine. I thought it was the closest thing I was going to get to Ellen- even though it's my goal to get in the audience, or be on her show spreading the sparkle. 
Leaving the Casino I decided to play one more slot machine- a hot pink slot machine. Of course it was so fitting. I didn't win a whole lot of money on it, but just enjoyed the fact it was "pink".
Walking back to my car I was happy that we had so much fun. We didn't win a lot of money, but I had fun hanging out, making memories, and laughing with the girls. Syd was there in many ways yesterday, but finally made her arrival in my car. A little lady bug landed on my Minnie Mouse stuffed animal on my dashboard. It was the perfect ending to a great time. 
Even though I lost a little bit of money it was the experience and the fun I had with my friends. Today won't be the easiest as many days are not; however, I will do my best. I will blow out my candles, spend the day with family, and look for that sparkle in the sky! Here's to the big 32!!

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Signs of Sydney that make you smile

There's not a day that goes by that I don't look for signs of my baby girl! Sometimes those signs can be very small and others are big and can take my breath away. 
When I know it's going to be a rough day Im always looking a little extra hard. This weekend coming up is going to be a little rough as it will be 4 months tomorrow since she's gone and my birthday. Yesterday I saw three Sydney signs; she must have known that I needed an extra smile. The first sign was at the splash pad. The last time we went here was last year with both of them, so I knew it was going to be difficult. We had some friends meeting myself, and auntie Krissy there. The twin girls walked in and all I could notice was there "sparkly pink" crocs. I told their mom how in Aw I was over these. I even asked, "do you think they come in Logans size? I bet he could totally rock them"
I smiled as I asked the girls if I could take a picture of their shoes. That was just enough to make my heart happy and me smile. 
The next Sydney sign comes on the way home. At first Logan and I stopped at Sydneys area and then headed over to the supermarket to get a few things. I asked Logan when we were at her area if he wanted to get Ne-Ne some new; maybe a balloon or flower? Of course he said yes. 
When we walked into the supermarket I was headed for the bakery, but Logan had other plans. "Ma-Ma look Ne-Ne balloons" I turned around and there we're giant butterfly balloons in many different colors. Of course I was detoured and went over to look at them. I asked Logan whic home he wanted and he picked the pink. The lady at the counter smiled at me and said, " I don't know if you really need two, but there buy one get 
one free." I said yup we will take "two" I was almost tempted to get 4, but they were huge." If this lady only knew how much these balloons really meant to us. I mean come..."buy one get one sale" on butterfly balloons? To me that just doesn't happen often. Logan smiled proudly as he looked up at both balloons on the way out. We dropped one balloon off at Sydneys area and kept one for the house.
Later that evening we went over to my neighbors house and she gave Logan a gift. I came into the room and he had little race cars, but one stood out more than the others. A pink car with a little girl in it that has a bow. My neighbor said, " I didn't even realize when I picked the package out" I turned to Logan and asked him why mama loves this one, and he said, "pink mama". Logan knows that my "favorite color" is pink. I'm not sure it would be anything else. 
Signs are everywhere like I said. Today's signs we're just perfect and made me smile from ear to ear. Sometimes all you need is a good "sparkle" to help you throughout your day.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Sydneys #1 Sparkler

The twinbond that Sydney and Logan had was unimaginable. It was the most beautiful thing to watch them bond, and create that friendship that would last forever. 
I've said from the beginning that I would do all I could to have Logan remember his sister, and to be honest I think I've done a good job. Logan knows so much about Sydney already, but will continue to  build on those memories overtime. Logan  can recognize so many of Sydneys signs: Everytime he sees a ladybug he says, "mama...a ne-ne bug", or if he sees a watering can or plant he says,"mama for Ne-Ne garden". 
At times I have to hold back my tears, but know this is my job to help him remember. Yesterday Logan and I spent some alone time at Sydneys area. He tends to not want to get out of the car at times, but yesterday I asked and he said, "I water Ne-Ne plant" I took him out of the car and held his little hand as we walked to her area. If you've never seen her area it's everything that reminds us of Syd. Pink, butterflies, Minnie-Mickey, bubbles and cars (from Logan) and a few bows. 
Yesterday I stepped back and watched Logan do his thing. He watered the plants and looked at the Minnie and Mickey as well as spinning the pinwheel that is there. This was a moment that I had to capture and I'm so glad I did. I want Logan to remember and want him to have these new memories of his twin. Yes she is not physically here, but I know she comes and visits. I just can't wait for Logan to get a little older and help spread that sparkle. He will always have that twin bond, will carry on her legacy many years to come, and will be Sydneys #1 sparkler.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Pink, Sparkles, and little bundle of joy

The pain of a broken heart is something unexplained, and intolerable at times. I've learned that as time goes on there will be things that heal my heart and things that open up the wound. I try to do my best to power through the pain and smile, but often it's hard.
Yesterday was a day filled with emotions as many people have inticipated it for awhile. One of your best friends one of your "grown-up Besties" is having her baby girl. How are you going to be? Will you be ok? The answer seemed pretty obvious to me...Yes, but at times I may not be, and it's only going to make our friendship "stronger", because my "grown-up BFF" just knows and is so aware. I couldn't thank her more enough.
Last night I was ready I was ready to meet this little buddle of god-daughter, Logans new BFF- little Ms Kinsley Mae!
As I held that little bundle of 8lbs I just stared at her, and took it all in. I'd be lying  if I didn't say I had to hold back tears, but I just took a deep breath and hid them back. I am so honored and so happy to be this little girls fairy godmother!! I want nothing more to make her proud, and tell her all I can about the sparkle in the sky when she's older. People asked me if I was going to beable to hold her, or would it be too much. For some people that lost a child 4 months ago yes; for me not really. I have to be strong, and keep on going. I'll get a lot of joy from seeing Kinsley grow-up and play with her brothers, and there BFF Logan. I wish more than anything that Sydney could be here to see her, but know that she will come through. As I held Baby Kinsley for the first time with my sparkly shirt on, and    my necklace with Syds picture on it; I knew she was there. I know she will watch over, and will do her best to sparkle when ever she can. To my grown-up BFF Leanne thank you for letting me hold such an important role in Kinsleys life. It makes my heart happy to see and hold that beautiful baby girl, and will heal my heart overtime. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Fairy Godmother

For those of you that don't already know I come from a small family, and I am the only child. Growing up I had many friends, and cherished the friendships that I had which then turned into family. I often use the words "friends that are family" a lot lately, because I have those special people in my life that are more than friends; they are family. These people have come into my life some from the beginning, others more recent, and have held such an important role in this difficult time that I have gone through. 
Since I've never had a sister I cherish all the "girl friendships" that I have. Sydney and Logan had lots of "aunties" and I often I am called "auntie" as well to most of my best friends and family members kids. There's something about being an "aunty" that holds a special place in your heart. 
Since Sydney has passed away I've done all I could to be the best "auntie" and "friend" to others. At times its been hard, and at times I've broke down and cried. These tears are filled with such mixed emotions, as "friends that are family" welcome new babies into their lives. 
Today is the day that one of my "sister twins" my "grown-up bestie" has her baby girl. Now id be lying if I haven't thought about this day for a long time, but I've prepared myself for all the joy, sparkle, and love I have to give to this little baby girl. 
This would have been Sydneys little BFF. and Leanne and I had such plans ahead for these two little girls and boys, but unfortunately the path was tragically changed. I know that Sydney will be there with Baby P and would want me to spread that sparkle, bows , and tutus with her.
Last night I went over to Leanne's house to get my birthday present that she had got me. We literally live 3 minutes away from each other so off I went in my pajamas to see her before she welcomed Baby P into this world. 
Who knew that the last gift I opened would mean the world to me. I opened a box and saw an Alex and Ani bracelet. At first I thought it said "aunty" but then when I looked closer it said "godmother". The tears flowed, and I couldn't contain myself with emotions. I get to give this little girl so much love that I have inside. I know that it's going to be hard, but I will do all I can to make this little girl proud. Her mother and I will always have this special bond, and now Baby P and I do too. No one will ever know the pain that lures inside, but as I go through this journey I now know that another little girl will look up to me. Leanne today starts another chapter in our friendship. I wish you guys so much love, and can't wait to ways spread that sparkle. I know Sydney will be watching over her, as I promise to be the best "fairy godmother" ever!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

A Butterfly to Remember

Lately I've become more and more aware of things that are around me that could be a sign of Sydney. I've come across more butterflies lately that I often watch and think; "wow I wonder if that is her". I've also have received numerous messages from people that have seen butterflies, and have reached out to me to say that they believe Sydney was there. To be a honest she has a lot of sparkle to spread, and is very busy meeting everyone.
Yesterday I had the chance to meet with someone who talked about "butterfly kisses" she said that there's something about butterflies that Sydney has a really strong connection with. There's always been something I've felt with butterflies. Back at school I used to say, "butterflies...its going to be alright" as I flapped my arms like a butterfly! I've had to really remember my own advice lately as I've watched many butterflies fly by. To be honest whenever I see a butterfly it stops me right in my tracks. I step back look at how beautiful it is, and then hope it flies up above and tells my baby girl that I love her and miss her.
When I got home yesterday a few friends came over and they brought me a butterfly charm with Sydneys rose beads on it. To me this was extra special because I was just talking about butterflies earlier in the day.
I know Sydney is everywhere and I know she has lots of signs. I do my best to move forward each day to spread that sparkle, and remember. As we approach 4months (on my birthday the 19th) I try to reflect on how far we've come, and how proud I am to spread that sparkle. As the months move on I'll do my best to spread my wings, take one day at a time, and look for those butterflies more than ever.