Saturday, October 31, 2015

The gangs all here

Halloween 2015 is now in the books. Another holiday survived and another holiday without our little love. Our theme of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was just perfect, but unfortunately the "gang" was missing something...missing Sydney. Of course I represented Minnie for Syd, as Logan was Mickey. I was so proud of Logan for trick or treating so well. I just got sad only once when I saw him go up to a house, so brave, and so confident, but without his twin. We all missed her last night, and she should have been there with us. It doesn't get easier but we try our hardest to always remember, and celebrate with the sparkle in our hearts. Forever remembered always in our minds. 

Friday, October 30, 2015

I've been SPARKLED

Looking back on last years Halloween costumes when we were the "Flinstones Family" really put a damper on my day, and made me feel down. I just miss her so much, and wish she was here with us this year. 
As I pulled into the driveway yesterday Logan and I were so surprised to see a Minnie Mouse with a pumpkin pail on our door steps. We've been "sparkled" I told Logan. Of course Logan sat down right next to it and took a picture. As I turned around for a minute I got a glimpse of pink from Sydneys Garden. Logan and I walked over there. As soon as I cleared the corner I lost my breath and was speechless. There were a dozin pink pumpkins with gold sparkly stems all over her garden. Logan kept pointing 
out all the pumpkins. I wonder who did note...just someone or some people that wanted to make me smile, and that they did.
To my secret "sparkler(s)" thank you! You've turned a hard day, and week around, and put a smile on my face. Words can't express how this made me so happy. 
Thank you once again for bringing out the sparkle even in the hardest times. Halloween won't be easy, but knowing that people are always thinking and spreading the sparkle always makes me happy. 

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Is this really fair?

As everyone gets ready to dress up their children in Halloween costumes this Saturday I can't help but have a heavy heart, as I wish Syd was here. Yes, dressing Logan up will be very special, and we will remember Syd as much as we can, but it's just not fair. 
A teacher came up to me yesterday and pretty much expressed how unfair this is, and that she should still be here. My response; "No kidding". I should be playing dress up with her on Saturday, and then taking both Logan and Sydney out for Halloween...not taking one out and then visiting Sydneys area.
Again it's just not fair and it bothers me each day, and probably ALWAYS will!!!

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Each moment is so precious

Somedays I wish I had a crystal ball before Sydney passed away, because then maybe I would have been prepared for the tradegy that hit our family. Last year at this time Sydney and Logan both were sick; right before Halloween. I remember Sydney had such a high fever that we had to take her to the ER, because we were concerned. I think back to that day when we were so worried in the hospital. We just wanted her to be alright, and that she was; she was sent home with an antibiotic, and away we went. Who knew that a day later Logan would have the same thing, but luckily both had got better before Halloween.
As I write today's blog I find myself confused, and sad. To think back a year ago we never in our wildest dreams would imagine where we are today. We never would imagine our life without our baby girl. Nothing can bring her back, and nothing can change the hurt that lies within. No one should ever have to feel this pain. 
My blog today is not to make other parents scared, but to cherish the moments that you have. Each moment that we have is prescious, and we can never get back what is gone. 
I miss her more and more each day, and every day gets a little easier, but the pain will always be there. This shouldn't have happened, and Sydney should be here. 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Happy birthday Nana

Yesterday was my moms and Logan and Syds "nanas" birthday. For those that don't know my parents moved to Florida when the twins were 4months old. It was very devastating to me, because I'm the "only child", and all you want is your parents to be around to see you raise your kids. My parents visited frequently there first year, and we were so lucky to head back when the twins were 18months old; however, that was the last time my mom and dad had seen the twins; minus face-time weekly.
I remember the phone call I had to give to my mom and dad when Sydney passed away. It was a phone call I'll never forget. It was something I wouldnt have dreamed of.
I know more than anything that my mom and dad wanted to see Sydney one last time, and of course Logan. My mom was recouperating from knee surgery when Sydney passed away, so she was not at the funeral. I just had my dad, and I knew that it was awful for my mom to go through this; yet me alone without my mother. 
As the months have gone on I know that it's still hard for my parents to be so far away. We miss them more than anything. Logan loves talking "nana" and "papa" nightly, but it's still not the same. Sometimes I wish my parents got to visit more, and other times I just cherish the last time we had. Either way being 32 years old you still need your parents at times, and them being 3000 miles away is often hard as I go through the hardest thing of my life. 
When my parents come to visit next year I want them to see the legacy that is formed for Sydney, and how far I have come. Yesterday we remembered the good times we had with my parents, and wish my mom a happy birthday. I know Syd is looking down on you mom, and probably blew a candle out for you up in the sky.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Will you be Minnie?

Logan totally understands that his twin, and his best friend is missing. It bothers me so much everyday that his partner in crime, and "his ne-ne is gone". I know Logan gets sad and is starting to understand a lot more. 
Yesterday Shane took Logan to daycare and in the morning they went to go see Sydneys area. Lately Logan has wanted to talk to her a lot. He talks about how he's using the potty, and how he's been such a good boy. Yesterday Shane told me that Logan wanted to tell Ne-Ne what he's going to be for Halloween. Logan said, "Ne-Ne I'm gonna be Mickey" "do you want to be Minnie with me"? Shane said his heart dropped, and when he told me my heart dropped too. 
I just want more than anything to remember Sydney in a positive way, and be so proud that he had such an amazing sister with a legacy to share

Sunday, October 25, 2015

My two little pumpkins

Yesterday as I spent some quality time with Logan I couldn't help but think back to a year and 2years ago when my quality time was split in two. Sometimes I look back on a picture, and just can't believe this really happened. As the months go on people continue to remember the sparkle, but the pain still stings inside. I had a daughter a year ago and now she's gone. I still ask myself "why", and always will. 
People ask if I'm ok daily, and the answer is Yes, but nothing can cure a broken heart. As I look back on moments from the last two years of Fall memories; I smile, but also cry inside. Sydney will always be on my mind, as the memories are remembered, and the moments are recreated. 

Saturday, October 24, 2015

It was a good day

Yesterday was a great day filled with family time with my little trio, auntie and uncle love, and friends that are family. There are days where I just miss Syd so much, and have a hard time dealing, and  then there are days like yesterday where I'm creating the new "norm". 
As I smiled, laughed, and created new memories with my family and friends yesterday, my heart didn't hurt as much, as it usually does from thinking of Syd. I was having a good day.
I spent the day playing in the leaves, hanging out with Logans aunties and uncles, and then dressing-up as Minnie Mouse for a Halloween party. 
Some days are easier then others, and yesterday was one of them. I focused on the good, and didn't feel down. There were times I wish Syd was playing with us, but then reality hits, and I have to remember she's smiling down on us. One day at a time as we continue to adapt to the new norm, which unfortunately isn't easy at times, but yesterday it was. It's a start as we always remember, and keep the sparkle shining on!

Friday, October 23, 2015

Capture the moments

Mama...lets run in the leaves, Logan said to me as we got home yesterday from daycare. Of course I had my phone in my hand to take a few pictures, and capture a moment; however, things seemed different. As I watched Logan run up and down the hill, toss the leaves in the air, and just smile and laugh at me; I began to get a flashback to last fall when Sydney was here. It was Logan and her running together, and me trying to plop them both in the leaves to take a picture. Things were different one year later, and it made my heart sad. Yes, I smiled as I took a selfie with my little man, but also cringed inside as I wished Sydney was there. 
It's often hard to explain the pain that occurs at that moment when I just pause and think of her. People say it's going to get easier, but I'm not sure about that. The memories will continue, but hopefully the pain will subside. I'll cherish the moments that I have, make new memories, and will keep on protecting my heart. 

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Be strong and inspire

Today's blog is very special to me. I was so honored when Brittany Pace asked me to be interviewed for her journalism class. This paper is so beautifully written and makes me so happy, and feel so special. Thank you Brittany for loving me like a big sister, and having my family be part of yours. Having friends that are family is just amazing
“Inspiring Mother, Friend, and wife spreads her Daughter’s sparkle everyday”

Former Bridgewater State University graduate, Heather Craven (32) always had the dream to become an educator and change the world. The Massachusetts native met her husband Shane her senior year of college.  
Heather got her BA in psych and elementary education, a masters in elementary education and middle school and soon became a guidance counselor after graduating. Heather married Shane soon after college and began her “happily ever after.” Logan and Sydney Craven (twins) were born in March 2013 and changed Craven’s life.  

On March 19th, 2015 (nine days shy of the twins second birthday), their world would change forever… Sydney did not wake up. Shane rushed to the room to check on the twins and Sydney was not breathing. They placed an emergency call to 911. Sadly, the paramedics were unable to revive her. This was a mother's worst nightmare. This tragic event has impacted not only the family, but the friends and community immensely. 

Heather decided that, instead of lying on the couch grieving the rest of her life, she was going to do something that would honor her beautiful twin daughter. She created the Sydney Craven Memorial Foundation. This fund would be set up to help share Sydney’s sparkle with the community. This foundation would grant scholarships to little girls and boys to help them find their inner sparkle through dance, sports and theatre. 

 Not only has Heather created a blog in Syd’s memory, but she has participated in numerous runs, walks, and obstacle courses this past year. Heather always wears pink and something that sparkles to honor her baby; her baby girl. “Pink” and “tutu’s” is what everyone remembered about Syd! She was always smiling and dancing, and that's how we should remember her, it’s what she would have wanted” stated Craven.  
Pink1Sparkles is the name of the infamous blog she started shortly after the tragedy. At about 6 am every morning, Craven posts to the blog about a memory, or how she is feeling every single day. Heather is determined to carry out Sydney’s memory with bows, tutu’s, sparkles, and pink. As a mom she never thought this would happen to her. “You hear stories about this stuff but never think it will happen to your family” said Craven.  Her plan is to turn her 365 day of Sydney’s blog into a book for grieving parents and family. 
Craven’s Blog has been viewed 94,358 times since she first started the blog only 6 months ago. One of the Viewers, Megan from Maine sent Craven a personal message because of the positive impact Craven’s blog has had in her life. 
Heather receives letters and emails about her blog and positive feedback on how it has touched people, this is just one example:
“Heather,  I was looking at the picture of you, Shane, Logan, and your sweet sparkler this morning and I wanted you to know something.  I think of your Sydney more times a day than I could count.  You have created the MOST amazing legacy for her Heather, as you have put her in all of our hearts. Like so many who never had the joy of knowing her, I feel that I have her in my heart now. And she has changed the way I live. I see the beauty in all that sparkles so much more than ever before, and I am more mindful of creating memories.  Your little girl has done that for me, and for more people than I can possibly imagine.  I think of you every day….  Love, Megan” 
Craven isn't just spreading Syd’s memory out in her town, but all over the world. The Acrobatics & Tumbling team at Alderson Broaddus University in West Virginia honored Sydney’s memory by wearing bright colors for Syd. 
Craven is an inspiration not only to parents who have lost a child, but for the whole community. She wants to be a motivational speaker one day and change people's lives. Craven has already had a huge impact on so many people and continues to be that strong mom, friend, and wife. Her blog gives others hope and inspiration that life is possible after a tragic event.  She is one of a kind and always makes the most out of every situation with her spunky personality just like Syd’s. She aspires to publish her blog next year and then hopes to publish a book.  
Thank you ya #sparkleon 

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

We won't say goodbye

Many "sparklers" I call them reach out to me daily with quotes, private messages, and pictures that they want to share. A picture was shared with me the other day that made me think a lot about Sydney.
Sometimes it's hard, and there are days that I get flashbacks to that night we had to say "goodbye". That moment we said, "goodbye" my heart tore in two. There are moments that I feel my heart skip a beat, because I stop and remember that she's actually not coming back. I've had to say goodbye to my baby girl, and don't get the chance to say it again. 
These words will never be forgotten, and nor will she. "Never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means being forgotten"- Peter Pan. Leave it to a Disney story to put my feelings into perspective. We will never say goodbye, and will continue to keep her sparkle alive. 

Just keep on fighting

Somedays I feel like I've hit rock bottom, and can't go on at my very bests. There are days that I smile and hide the tears, and days where I just can't imagine things getting any better. Sometime you have to take the good with the bad and know that life throw you many curves. I am a fighter, and do all I can to stay strong. 

Monday, October 19, 2015

Everyday I just miss her

Yesterday was a hard day, but you wouldn't know it because I hid it pretty well. I went on with my day at work, but constantly had Sydney on my mind. Two teachers came up to me yesterday morning and brought me just the right amount of sparkle I needed to get by: a sparkle sign and a pink glitter pumpkin. Somehow they must have known I needed that extra sparkle to get me throughout the day.
I powered through and ended my day with lots of snuggles from my Logiebear. He always seems to make me feel better. I really missed her yesterday, and found myself just asking "why", and missing every little detail of her. I watched the clock last night around 8:40pm and blew a kiss to sky. I hope she knew I was thinking of her, and how much her mommy and daddy missed her. As the tears began to fall on my cheeks I wiped them away. I know Sydney is watching over us, and I know she's so proud of me. I just honestly wish she was here. Everyday isn't easy, and we miss her so much!! We do our best, 7months later, and will continue to sparkleon.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

7months without our little love

It's been awhile since we've had a lazy Sunday. Usually we are always doing something on the weekends, but yesterday was different. We hung out as a family of 3 and were just lazy. We watched football, ate some snacky food, and spent some quality family time. 
When I have time to sit down and relax my mind usually doesn't let me. It goes into automatic Sydney mode, and all I do is think of her non-stop. Yes, we were having family time but family time was missing her. We were missing her giggle, her smile, and her spunky personality. A year ago today we were outside playing in the leaves, making memories, and not worrying about anything. I try to think back when I never really worried, or better yet had something weighing on my heart like the pain that comes over me at times. As the days and months go by we try to get stronger. It's definitely not easy, and boy does it sting at times. As we head into 7months today I reflect back on all that we've done so far, and all the ups and downs we've had. The emotional rollercoaster will never end. It's a long long road ahead. 
These next few months will be hard, but I know her sparkle will shine. We will continue to do the best we can, and take one day at a time. 

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Little pumpkins for Syd

Everyday I drive by Sydneys bench, and her stone as part of my daily routine. On the way to Sydneys area yesterday her bench caught my eye. I knew that the school was going to be making her area into a fall theme, but wasn't sure what to expect. I went to Sydneys area first, and then circled around to the bench. Driving up I smiled and my heart felt happy. The kids had painted pumpkins that were placed all around the bench; some ontop of the haybills, and others near the beautiful mums that surrounded the area. It's the little things that make my heart happy and this was one of them today. It was just enough added touch for a beautiful bench that continues to shine on. Thank you again to the Central Elementary School for keeping her bench area full of sparkle. 

Friday, October 16, 2015

Daddies Tattoo for Sydney

It's the closest thing I'll get to holding my baby girl again! When I'm hugging Shane I'll know that I'm hugging Sydney too. 
Shane got his tattoo finished last night. He said it hurt really bad, but he wanted it and he needed it. Having her handprints on his back is so special. Sydney will ALWAYS be daddies little girl, and will always love her daddy. I know that Sydney is looking down from above each and every day, and is always smiling at her daddy who loves her very much. This tattoo is such a beautiful tribute to our baby girl who we miss very much

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Sparkling all over

I have a vision... that Sydneys sparkle will spread so far and wide. Her legacy and her sparkle will shine so bright for many years to come to others that she didn't even know. We all want the sparkle to shine, and for Sydneys legacy to live on. 
How do we do this...we spread the sparkle...we find others that don't know her story...we shine on. I'm not one to ask for much help, but I know my fellow sparklers are ready to shine. I envision a chain reaction. Find someone new who doesn't know the sparkle, and share it with them. Tell them the story, and keep the sparkle going. Have them like her page and keep it going.
All the support is so amazing that we receive. What helps me get by the toughest days is the SUPPORT and the SPARKLE that is spread. I know there are so many sparklers out there, and I just can't thank you all enough. Here's to taking the sparkle to bigger and better places. It's time to shine on!!!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Ne-Ne will always love you Lo-Lo

"Mama...I bought Ne-Ne a bow"! The fact that he wants to bring his sister something, and that he is only 2.5 years old, makes me believe he truly understands she is gone but will remember her forever. 
It's part of our daily routine to always talk about her every second that we get. It sure does break my heart, but I want nothing more for Logan to remember, and carry on her legacy that is being spread so much.
I tell Logan every day that his Ne-Ne loves him, and I'm sure as he gets older he will truelly understand how special she was, and the amazing bond that they will always have.