Sunday, August 28, 2016

Stronger than ever

6 years ago I remember waking up super early, and being full of emotions. I was nervous, but so in love to marry my best friend. Shane and I vowed to stand by each other through thick and thin, and take care of each other when need be. Today as we reach our 6 year anniversary I think to myself how "lucky" I am to have such an "amazing", "caring", and "loving" father and husband by my side. Life as we know it has not been easy, and I'm so thankful everyday that I've had Shane with me. To be honest I'm not sure how we've managed to be so strong after what we've overcome since Sydney passed away. People say that tragedies can break you, but I feel that we needed each other to keep us going. With a new baby on the way within 2 weeks we will definitely hit some bumps; however, we are strong enough to be a little rocky and then bounce back. Today and everyday I'm feel so lucky. I'm not sure what the next year will bring, but I know having Shane by my side will always make it a little better. Happy 6th Anniversary Shane!!!

Sunday, August 21, 2016

No shame for this mama

I vowed to write a blog to help others and let them understand what life really looks like for a family who has lost a child. I have no shame in what we have done, and what decisions we have made as a family. I try to keep some things private and other things public, which give a good insight to how I'm feeling. Ever since Sydney has passed away I've tried to get myself back to some "normalcy", but what is normal? When Sydney passed away we had Logan sleeping with us, because we were so nervous of what could happen. Our nerves slowly went away and he was moved into a big boy bed; however, nerves and anxiety slowly came upon us again closer to his third birthday. There were times that we couldn't manage to have him not be with us. Fast forward to 3 weeks before Maddox is going to arrive, and the so called "let's try to be normal" hit us again. I thought it might be time to not worry about Logan sleeping alone as we have a new baby on the way. Total backfire on this mamas part. I listened to what others would suggest, and thought it was for the best, yet when it was actually our reality I almost had a massive anxiety attack, and couldn't stop crying. I ask myself, "why did the man up in the sky have to give us so much to worry about?" It's hard everyday, and especially not easy with a newborn coming into the picture. Last night I thought I was ready to let go of my anxiety, but quickly realized this mama still needs time. No shame in my game as we try to figure it all out. Lesson learned- if you fail try again. Things will take time, and everyone heals at a different pace. 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

The sparkles been quiet!

With all the hustle and bustle of finishing things up for Maddox, and getting ready to go back to school I didn't notice until recently that the "sparkle" has been quiet. What does that mean? Well, it means that I haven't seen many signs of Sydney. I walked outside yesterday into her garden, and was pretty disappointed as the weeds have grown on one side, and it's just not up to par as it was last year. It didn't help that it's been one of the hottest summers, and it was very hard weeding her area pregnant. I actually thought that she could be a little disappointed in me? It's kind of a weird thing to think of, but then I justify myself, and say, "she must understand I'm doing a lot". As time has gone on I still look everyday for a sign: a little movement of the red truck, a butterfly flying by, or a comment made from Logan. Life as we know it is going to be changing again, and I hope Sydney knows that "we will never forget her". Im actually hoping that she's holding all her sparkle to come out when Maddox gets here. These feelings are real, and that's why I have to get them out. I am sure there will be a Sydney sign soon, but just want her to know that we are ALWAYS thinking of her. 

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Our little family has so much love

Even on the hardest days I try to look back and reflect on how far we have come. What holds us together is the love we have for each other. We are about to embark on a whole new adventure in just a few weeks. The thought of starting all over again is quite terrifying; however, I know with the support from our loved ones, and friends we will be just fine. My little family keeps on going, and will do our best to take it one day at a time. These pictures that we took a few weeks ago wern't easy to do emotionally, but I'm glad that we did them. Thank you Maggie Jill Photography for capturing the beauty of a new pregnancy, and the love that our family has for each other. Life isn't easy as we move on, but I know Sydney would be proud of us. Can't wait to meet baby Maddox in a few weeks!

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

I'm a lucky mommy

Becoming a mother is probably one of the most rewarding, amazing, and fulfilling things that can happen in your life. As a mother you think the world of your children, and would do anything to make them happy, healthy, and feel safe. 
In today's blog post I just want to express how lucky, and blessed I am to have such an amazing little boy "LoLo" who makes my world brighter everyday. Despite the tragedy that has occurred to our family we try so hard to move on each day. With a new little life coming in a few short weeks it's hard to even invision how life is going to change. Logan is going to be such an AMAZING big brother, and will teach Maddox everything he needs to know. Logan is such a smart, caring, and loving little boy that makes his family smile. Despite losing his twin sister, he continues to show us all that love is still there, he's a fighter, and that Sydney is ALWAYS with us. 
As a mother you get the honor of ranting about your children, and today I took that moment. I'm so lucky that my LoLo is doing well, and will continue to believe that he will be alright. As we continue this new journey ahead we will hold onto the memories, look ahead at the future, and never will forget. 

Monday, August 8, 2016

Rearranging the house

Well we've made it to 34 weeks. A little less that 5 weeks to go before little Maddox arrives. Yesterday was spent "nesting" and rearranging the house to get ready for another little one. I believe at times that I'm a little in denial that we're actually having another little one. Things were moved yesterday, shifted, and donated to make room for baby central again. When the twins were born we pretty much transformed our living room into baby headquarters. It was hard to explain to Logan that his area would now be a little different, and he would have to share again. Like any 3 year old Logan did say, "I don't want to share", but then I explained how he used to share with "Ne-Ne". He looked at me and said, "I'll share with baby Maddox." We are working on a little playroom downstairs for Logan in the next few months, as we want him to have a special place again. 
With every move we made we were thinking of Sydney. This time we tried to rearrange the room differently, and try to make new memories. Change is definitely good for the heart, and the mind. One day at a time as we will always remember Sydney, and start a new chapter of our lives.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Hello August

Well it's now officially August, and that means three things. The summer is officially starting to wind down, I have about 3.5 weeks till I go back to work, and little baby Maddox should be making his arrival within 6 weeks. I'd say that it's going to be a busy month here. I'm very nervous about the arrival of Maddox, and feel myself in denial at times that I'm actually having another baby. I feel him kick and punch all the time, but I'm sure reality won't hit until he's actually in my arms...then what? 
I'm just worried about everything that comes with having a new baby, and  these are really new feelings for me. I was a confident mama to Sydney and Logan, but got ruined when Sydney passed away. I'm working really hard to try my best, and make myself believe that we will be alright. 
As the nerves begin to excel I have to try my hardest to keep going. We have a lot going on this month, and I really want to make it the best for Logan. Life as we know it is going to change again. Big brother status is arriving, preschool is starting, and this mama is starting all over again. Here we go August. I'd like to take it nice and slow.