Monday, August 31, 2015

Mrs. Craven the "happy teacher"

I really enjoy what I do for work. Ever since I can remember I wanted to "help" people in anyway that I could. I couldn't wait to get my masters in school counseling so I could listen and help the younger kids. Before Sydney passed away I would prance around the hallways of my school and make everyone smile. It was my job to be happy, and my job to make everyone smile.
Since I've come back to work I've been working so hard on being the "happy counselor" again, and spreading my big heart throughout the school.
Today was one of those days that I had to put my "happy hat" on and be the "happiest" counselor there is. I walked into several kindergarten classrooms today, and played the happy role. "Hi I'm Mrs. Craven! My job is to keep everyone happy in the school." As the kindergarten kids all said hi I couldn't help but take a deep breath. Wow this takes a lot of energy on my part.
It's hard to live through this double role, and try to be positive so much. I'm doing the best I can as I remember the sparkle each day. Each day that I step into the building I step into a new routine. There are days that are not easy, but I do my best. All I can do is wear the "happy hat" and do what I Iove so much...making kids happy. 
As I drive home each day I often reflect about what happened in my day, and how things will take time. I sure do miss Sydney; more than I can ever explain. I know that she's proud of me as I work on being the best person I can be. One day at a time as I continue to remember and spread the sparkle.

Supporting the Memorial Fund

The amount of support that we receive for Sydneys memorial fund is quite amazing! In such a short amount of time people are reaching out and asking, "how they can help" to make this such a great fund. 
I can't thank Weymouth youth football and cheer for putting on a fundraiser today to support Sydneys memorial fund. It was such a special day and moment as Logan was honored with a football, helmet, shirts, and then ran out on the field with the players.
There were so many tutus, sparkles, and pink. It was great. The pain never leaves but it stops at times like these- when my daughter and her memorial fund are honored. Here's to more fundraising opportunities and lots more sparkle. 

Sunday, August 30, 2015

A perfect date

Yesterday couldn't have been more perfect, as Shane and I got to have "date day" together to celebrate our anniversary. As we smiled and took a picture with Logan before he left with auntie Krissy and Uncle Stephen- I knew it was going to be a good day! 
Somedays I just have to let go of the pain that is hidden inside, and focus on the positive- what is making me happy in the moment.
Yesterday it was about Shane and I. It was about how far we've come, and how strong we continue to be together, and for each other. There were moments throughout our day that made me stop, and think about "Sydney", because that always happens. It's hard to not have a day that she's not on my mind. From the pink sparkly shoes I saw in the stores, to the winnings at the casino I knew she was there. 
Yesterday when we were eating dinner we didn't really focus on the negative. We focused on the now, and present of each other. The food was amazing, and the fun we had at the black jack table was great too. I put $50.00 down on one hand, grabbed my pink bow, and then closed my lost...I won!! Thanks Syd.
Nothing will ever change the pain that's inside, and nothing will ever make it go away; however, it was worth a try to make us both "be happy". Life isn't fair, and what we're going through isn't easy; however, I know that Shane and I are strong. We are stronger than ever, and will be ok. We will always remember the sparkle, and focus on the now, and future. Here's to many more days when we live in the moment, make the most out of every day, and can be happy.


Saturday, August 29, 2015

My little family

Week one of back to work...check! Wow I can honestly say it wasn't easy, but I made it through. I had so much support from friends and family that really helped me, and will continue to help me every step of the way. 
Unfortunately this process we call "grieving" doesn't just stop it's something that sticks with us forever. Each day I shine brighter, and each day I put my heart out there, and when the day is over I come home to my little family. Yes things are definitely different then last year, and I'm missing that little piece of my heart; however, in that moment I have to remember that this is my new life. I know Sydney is watching over us each day, and with every step that Logan takes I know she is with him. He lights up my world, and with every hug and "I love you mama" he really helps!
At the end of the day all that matters is the memories that are being made, the love that's given, and the time spent with your family. This is my little family and this is my real life. Things are going to take time, and each day isn't easy; however all I can do is continue to love, be strong, and sparkle on!!

Thursday, August 27, 2015

5 years later and the love still grows

Your wedding day is probably one of the biggest moments of your life. The day you say, "I do" and make a promise to be that persons soulmate forever. When Shane and I got married 5 years ago today we never really new what our life would be like. We always invisioned a family, a beautiful home, and memories that we would create. 
Fast forward 5 years later, and Shane and I can honestly say that we've been through the worst year of our life. This is not where we invisioned ourselves; yes we had it all, a beautiful home, family, and memories that we created, and in a flash life was stopped on March 19th. 
All I can say is that throughout the hardest times we've managed to stay together, lean on each other, and be each other's rock when needed. No one ever can predict what is going to happen. Life is unpredictable as we know; however, one thing is for sure is that we will get through this! We will be strong for each other, and strong for Logan. 
As we celebrate 5 years today the only thing I can predict is that we will celebrate 5 more years and so on and so on!! We will create more memories together, and continue to spread that sparkle! 
Happy Anniversary Shane! There's no one else I rather be on this crazy journey we call "our life"! From now on we're on only going up! Love you 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Trust the process

First day back with happy!!! Hold on...hold on!!! The old Mrs. Craven would have been full force, but the new Mrs. Craven is trying to regain the full force she always used to have. First job...a crying 1st grader who doesn't want to leave her mommy. I did what I always would do and give a "hug" and "listen", but something was a little different this time. As the little girl cried I tried to hold back my tears. I'm giving the hug out, but I often need the hug too.
The process to be the best guidance counselor I can be will take time. It's a process that will take time. It's hard to describe how I feel, but it's almost like I'm in costume when I'm at school, and when I leave school I'm the "grieving mother" again. It sure is difficult, and I know will take time. Boy do I miss her! I miss her so much all the time, and especially since being back at school. Healing a broken heart takes time, and the process that I go through everyday takes time too.
 I know being at 100% will take time, but  don't worry I will get there. I'm going totrust the process one day at a time


Tuesday, August 25, 2015

My time to shine

Yesterday was a much better day! I focused on what I like to do best, and that is to "sparkle" and "shine". I thought to myself today that I might have too much sparkle going on in my office, but then I stepped back and said, "I can never have too much sparkle." From the "sparkle on" bulletin board, sparkles the fish, and the sparkle sign that hangs over my desk I think I'm ready!!
Whether I'm sparkling or shining I think I'll do great. I got a good sense of hope when I was creating my shine bulletin board. A sense of ease that I'll be ok. Yes I am expected to have bad days, but I'll be alright. The last two days have definitely been a rollercoaster of emotions, but now it's time to meet the kids. I'm ready for a challenge, ready to find a balance, and ready to shine. This is my year to really bring back Mrs. Craven better than ever. I'm excited to be spreading the sparkle and letting myself shine through. Here's to shining bright each day, and taking it day by day. I know Sydneys watching over me, and will help me do my best to make it an amazing school year. 

Monday, August 24, 2015

First day back to school

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the first day jitters, but this time the jitters we're going to be for a whole different reason. How was I going to be going back to work again since Sydney passed away. 
Good news I survived...bad news it wasn't easy; however it was expected. 
I walked into my office again and was greeted with lots of sparkle gifts. This definitely made it a little easier. I think I get a pass for as much "sparkle" as I want. 
It only became hard during the middle of the day when I had to stop what I was doing and take a deep breath. Something came over me as I was decorating my office. I was filled with many mixed emotions. I can't exactly describe the feeling that I had, but it just didn't feel well. I'm worried I won't be the same as I was last year, and began to put a high expectation on myself. All I can do is try and do my best, and knowing that I'll have good days and bad. I just wish I didn't have to go through this.
As I drove home and stopped at Sydneys area, which is also part of my new routine I got upset again. It's like I'm starting all over. I have to be so strong and fight through a new routine again! 
Life isn't easy, and this is definitely very hard. Day one is in the books and I'm ready for day two. I know no one is expecting me to do backflips; however, I will try to bring as much sparkle and shine to the school. Here's to another day when the new routine will get easier over time. 

Sunday, August 23, 2015

I wish the summer would never end

Summer 2015 has finally come to an end, and what a summer it was!! So many pictures were taken, and so many memories were made. Even though the summer isn't officially over for a few weeks it's over for me, because I'm  going back to work. 
To think about how far I've come since the beginning of the summer is pretty amazing. I sure have had my ups and downs, and definitely have spread that sparkle far and wide. 
It hasn't been easy, but I've made it through one step at a time. #Summertoremember2015 has definitely been filled with many amazing things. We traveled a little, beached it up a lot, ate lots of good food/icecream, and spent time with AMAZING friends, and friends that are family. 
I am very sad to see this summer go, but know that the memories will last forever. I'll look forward to the weekends and vacations with my little man. I know he will be in good hands at daycare. The next few weeks are probably going to be a little hard, as I will always think of Sydney. I know she would be so proud of me, and is definitely going to be watching over us. 
As I packed my bag for school I couldnt help, but get a little sad. I know I'll be  and I'll get through it. I've come a long way this far, and I will continue to get stronger. Can't wait for many adventures this fall, and for all the fun that comes ahead for the sparkle!
It's back to reality and back to a profession that I love! See ya later summer it's been a blast! 

Pink, sparkles, tutus, and a 5k

Pink...check, tutus...check, sparkles...check, go-pro...check, amazing people running...check, and lots of laughs and smiles to support our baby girl...check!!!
Yesterday was absolutely perfect in every way. It was the inflatable 5k in Cape Cod that we decided to run in honor of Sydney and her memorial fund. First, I can't thank everyone enough who came out and helped, supported, donated, and ran yesterday's races. It was just amazing to see everyone in there pink, sparkles, and tutus to support our baby girl. 
It's not often that you even get guys in tutus, but I can say that Shane, Logan, and some of our guy friends wore them proudly. Logan actually wore his "real guys wear pink" shirt and tutu proudly for his sister. He even said, "pink and tutus for my Ne-Ne"
As we all lined up at the start line I couldn't help but get a little nervous, am I really going to be jumping over inflatables , and running a 5k! You bet I was, and people would be with me every step of the way. 
We met lots of people yesterday who are interested in supporting the sparkle in the years to come. We even got a special shout out from the DJ who was a huge fan of the tutus, and sparkles!
We all knew Sydney was there with us smiling, and probably laughing down at all of us. As we were ready to take off "best day of my life" came on. This is one of Logans favorite songs he listens too along with a video of him in Ne-Ne! This was definitely a sign she was there. 
The rain held off and we all made it to the finish line together. It might have not been the most graceful 5k, but we all survived with bumps, scrapes, and lots of sparkle to take with us. 
All the pictures and videos that were taken definitely show how amazing the day really was. As I write this blog this am I can't help but laugh, because I'm sore, and to be honest I don't mind it at all. I just laugh and smile, because it was all worth it. 
This is the first of many things were going to do for Sydney. I can not wait to see her own "tutu run" next year, and all the support, and sparkles that will be there. 
Again, yesterday was just perfect! My heart was happy, and the sparkle was there. Here's to a lot more sparkles, tutus, and pink in the future. We are spreading the sparkle one day at a time. Sparkle on baby girl!  

Saturday, August 22, 2015

I can and I will Sparkle

There are going to be good days and there are going to be bad days. Each day  has its moments and I try my best to fight through the ones that are the toughest. These last 5 months have been a journey that I can't even explain, and unfortunately will never end. I will become stronger each day, and do the best that I can. When I feel myself falling I must remember to get back up, and find that sparkle. It's not going to be easy, but i do my best. Sydney would want me to spread that sparkle, and keep on going. I will make her proud, and always shine through, and sparkle on!!!

Friday, August 21, 2015

Back to work I go

I can't believe my summer is officially ending this weekend- back to work I go, and boy am I nervous. I'm just filled with so many mixed emotions. I'm sad to leave Logan, happy to go back to my co- workers, nervous that I'll be sad often about Sydney, and the reasons go on. The fear is definitely there, but I believe I'm ready. I believe I'm going to be the best guidance counselor I can be; however, with the exception that I might have some ups and downs and good days and bad days. 
Life is about to change again. A new routine, and a new chapter. It's going to be hard not to think of Sydney all the time, but I know I'll be spreading lots of sparkles everywhere. I wonder if I can paint my office pink? Well maybe that might be too much, but you better believe there will be a "sparkle sign"!
This summer has been more than amazing, and I've created so many memories that I can take with me. As I turn into Mrs. Craven- guidance counselor I will try my best to smile, be happy, and be fun. It's not going to be easy, but honestly what really is? As I take one day at a time I believe I'll be alright. 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Sparkling through at 5months

There's something about the "19th" of every month that is the hardest. The day that our beautiful baby girl was taken away from us so unexpectedly. Every day is always hard, but as we hit each month the pain sometimes rises more than usual. 
I try to mask the pain on the hardest days, and enjoy the moments that are being created. Yesterday morning we took a picture in front of a beautiful background. As we smiled I didn't notice till later the one cloud that made its appearance in the picture. Out of a clear blue sky day there was that one cloud that was there. Maybe it was Sydneys way of letting us know she's always with us, and especially there on the toughest days.
As the evening came to a close I couldn't help but feel sad. Boy do I miss her more than anything, and wish I could have her back. All I can do is just remember all the times we had together, and really find that sparkle. I know that Sydney is with Logan and that really helps me.
Each day that passes by doesn't get easier; however, we try to do our best. I hide the pain, and push through each day, as we remember. 5 months down, and a life time to go. We will always remember, and spread that sparkle. That's what Sydney would want. She would want us to be happy, continue to make memories, and always "remember" as we take one day at a time. 

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Sparkling in New Hampshire

Sometimes all you need is fun, laughter, smiles, and a whole lot of new memories to make yourself feel better. A quick New Hampshire trip with friends that are family wasn't planned, but I figured what better medicine for my heart then to get away one more time before I start back to work next week.
As we drove up the Kangamengas Highway Sydney was the prime conversation. I was talking about all the "Sydney signs" that she often shows. We decided to pull over to look at a view. Just as I was about to get out of the car a beautiful butterfly flew right across the car. She was definitely there and made me happy. 
We did so much yesterday and Logan was full of smiles. We scaled rocks, swam in rapids, went down water slides, and created new memories. I even took a picture under a raging rapid, which is a first.
As the day came to an end and I was completely wiped I thought about how much fun was had, I thought about the sparkle everywhere, and the memories that were made. 
Today marks 5 months without my baby girl, and boy do I miss her more than ever. I wish more than anything that she was here, but try so hard to make it by. I'm happy that we were spontaneous and  decided to enjoy a mini vacation with the Paces who are family. Life isn't ever going to be the same, but all we can do is try to make new memories, which can help our heart heal. Here's to finding that sparkle today and everyday, and taking one day at a time. We miss you so much Sydney!!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Powering through the fear

As a parent there are days that you worry more than others about your children. To be honest it's often hard to not worry all the time, because of the unknown. 
I've made a promise to myself when Sydney passed away that I would try my hardest not to worry so much, and continue to "parent less out of fear".
Each day and each month that goes by I often find myself going through this emotional rollercoaster, and kind of contradicting what I believe. 
Worrying less is an understatement; however, I must do my best for Logan as he deserves the best from his mommy. Being a parent is by far one of the hardest jobs out there, and to be honest there's no book written out there that tells you how to handle a loss of a child. 
We do our best every day to get up, smile when it hurts, and give Logan the best that we can. Life is sure scary, and the "unknown" is a nightmare; however, I do all I can do to put one foot forward, and know we will be ok. It's my goal to spread the sparkle, share our story, and the emotions that come with it. 
Life is never going to be the same, and the pain will always be there; however, I know that there's something new in each day ahead. I'm not sure of the plan, but do know that the sparkle will always be there, and I will continue to do my best one day at a time.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Sparkling through the clouds

I believe that Sydney shows signs everywhere. Some are suttle for only her mommy to see, and others are bigger that people can all see and recognize.
Since the last few days have been pretty tough emotionally I hoped that the "sparkle" would come through. 
I know that Sydney watches over us everyday, and is dancing around in her tutu smiling up in the sky. Since Sydney has passed away I've often been more aware of the clouds, and the sky above. Logan blows kisses to the sky as he knows his "Ne-Ne" is watching over him.
As we were stopped at a traffic light yesterday I took a second to look up at the clouds. I told Shane to look quick as I grabbed my phone to take a picture. I saw a "heart" in the clouds as the sun shined through the sky. Some people might have not seen what I did; however, I knew it was there and I believed. 
I always believe, and that's often what helps when the days are tough, and I'm feeling down. Sparkle on Sydney Sparkle on!!!

Sunday, August 16, 2015

A little boy who loves his mommy

I feel like the last few days have been tough emotionally for me. I've just been sad more often, and  worried about the unknown. Yes, I know this is normal, but I  wish I didn't have to feel like this.
Lately the only thing that is making me smile is the "sparkle" I try to find, and Logan.
Sometimes the best medicine is right in front of my eyes. Logan is my world, and I have to give him all I have left in my heart each day, which isn't easy. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, his personality is exploding, and I know Sydney is with him.
I wish life could go back to the way it used to be; being a twin mom. Unfortunately, that's not how the story unfolds. I'm here as Logans mommy and will do all I can to protect, love, and do the best I can for him. It's so scary to not know the "unknown" as a mother, but I'm trying so hard to just take one day a time. When I'm feeling down, and I can't go anymore, I just look at Logan, and he makes me happy. 
"Mama...I love you" is probably the best thing I need when I'm sad. He's such an amazing strong little boy, who loves his mommy so much, and these words are often what keeps me going each day.