Wednesday, September 30, 2015

No regrets

Yesterday I had a chance to reflect back on the night Sydney passed away and what I was doing that night. I was in a discussion about giving your all at work, giving your all at home, and how sometimes you need to separate yourself from work. What I mean by this is: doing your day job, and then coming home to start a new job as a "mom" and "wife".
The night Sydney passed away I don't regret anything or believe I did anything wrong. We played like usual, and I did my "motherly duties", but then took a few minutes to focus on some work things that I never finished. Do I regret not spending every minute with Sydney before she went to bed? No, but I often reflect back as a lesson learned.
I've learned that life is too short. I've learned to leave work at work, I've learned to give my all as a mommy to Logan, and that you can't do everything. You can only do your best. 
At the end of the day I look forward to that little man who loves me very much. No job is better than the job as a mother. I know that I gave my all to Sydney and still do to Logan. I enjoy the little things, and focus more on the small moments. Life is not easy and this journey is tough. I wish Sydney was here at the end of the day, but knows she's here in spirit. Today I remember the sparkle, hug Logan a little tighter, and live life with no regrets.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Kind words to keep on sparkling

Whenever I'm having a bad day or week I can always count on my fellow "sparklers", friends, and family members to find the right words to make my day shine brighter. Since Sydney has passed away and I've met a lot of people along this journey I can't explain how many letters, cards, private messages, and posts that I have received to give me the strength to go on when I need it the most. I wish I could share everything that people share with me, but that would take too long. The words "inspire", "strong", "sparkle", and "never give-up" are a few words that stick out. Yesterday I received a message on my private Facebook page that just touched my heart when I needed it the most. Today I'm going to share it, and give others a chance to see those words that make me get by.
"Always thinking of you Heather Craven- and sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. You experienced the most amazing joy of parenthood, and a parent's worst fear- the loss of a child in just two short years. There just are no words for that, and yet you continue to post, blog, share pictures and videos that give everyone just a glimpse of insight into this difficult journey of grief. That can't be easy but you do it with grace. My heart hurts for you every day and yet I feel proud to see you are still the amazing person I met at UMB. Still a wife, mother, daughter, friend, counselor... Your life and your journey is to spread the legacy of Sydney. But I'll speak for myself when I say your story makes other parents feel they have a responsibility too- to never stop appreciating the little moments, to take a picture, to never take their little ones for granted, to know how short life can be- and to just live life in the moment knowing it can change in an instant.
You're doing great things... Keep up the good work. I'm sure Sydney is so proud looking down from heaven 🎀💗"
Thank you Julie for these kind words and to all the amazing and thoughtful worlds that I receive daily from others. Please keep the words coming as the sparkle shines on!!!!

Monday, September 28, 2015

Miss my little pumpkin

              ***my all time fav pic***

I pretty much new today was going to be a hard day!!! Logan turned 2.5 and the only thing missing was his best friend. It's hard very hard, and the words that I express don't even compete with the pain inside. 
I think people assume that I'm doing so well, and I am, but have those days and moments. It's only been 6months, and it doesn't get any easier. 
As the Fall season begins I look forward to all the new memories with Logan, but hold onto the old ones where the twin bond was very special. I'm aloud to have a bad day here and there; heck I could have a bad day everyday, but I dont. Some days are better than others, and I know it takes time, but it's not fair.
I miss her and the twin bond. It is not fair at all, and it's ok to be honest. Life is not the same without my baby girl, and Logans twin Ne-Ne

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Memories from a photoshoot

As many people know; I'm a picture finatic. I want lots of pictures to capture all the moments that go on. I always wanted to take so many pictures of Sydney and Logan, and of course family pictures. A year ago we took our last family photo together. The twins were 18months. 
Never in my wildest dreams would I imagine being in this situation one year later. As Logan turns 2.5 today I can't help but reflect back and feel so sad, Those last pictures that were taken by Maggie Jill Photography now hold such a different meaning. 
Boy do I miss her, and wish more than anything that my baby girl was smiling again in her blue polka dot dress w her red bow and shoes. 
This week won't be easy as many days are not. I miss her and wish we were taking another family photo with the 4 of us again. Moving forward I will always continue to take pictures and create those memories. For now I will reflect back and remember the sparkle and twinbond that ended way to soon. 

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Sparkling at Autumn Fest

Lots of sparkles, lots of tutus, pink, and bows lined the Sydney Craven Memorial Fund table at Autumn Fest. It's not easy to get up there and tell the story, and  legacy that is in the making. It takes a lot of energy and strength to promote such a wonderful fund in honor of my baby girl. Many people asked me, "how do you do this? As I've said in a few blogs lately; I just do it because it feels right. 
What doesn't feel right is the fact that Sydney was taken too soon for no reason from us. I carry on, because she would want me too, and continue to promote a legacy that will hopefully last for a long time to help others. 
As the last bow was sold I took a deep breath, and cleared my head. It was an emotional, exhausting, but fulfilling day. The feeling that I get when I see little kids with anything "Sydney Memorial Fund" on makes my heart happy. Thank you to all the sparklers that came out today to help Sydneys Legacy grow.
I can't wait to see what the next few months will bring, and all the sparkle that will be spread. #sparkleon 

Friday, September 25, 2015

Let the sparklers shine

We are so lucky to have so many "sparklers", friends, and family members support us each day. It sure isn't easy, but I am so excited to see what Sydnets legacy turns into within the next few months. One day at a time and one sparkle to be spread. Thank you again and sparkle on!!!!!l

Thursday, September 24, 2015

I'm sad because I'm just sad

I often have long stretches of good positive days, and often days that I'm just sad. People will often ask, "why is it a bad days"? My reply is usually the same, and I say, "it's just one of those days". What does that means I just think of my little baby girl during the day and get so upset that she's gone. I'll be driving home and bam it just hits me.
As I pull up to her bench and then her area I start to cry. Is she really really gone?How did this happen right before my eyes? 
Being honest is often hard for others to hear. Today I'm being honest. It stinks, and it's awful, and my heart hurts. Yes... I can be super positive and sparkle each day, but deep down underneath my sparkle is that broken heart that always pokes through.
I know this weekend will be good as Sydney Craven Memorial Fund will be promoting the sparkle at autumn-fest, but I'm also looking ahead, and wondering how I'll feel days after a full day of promoting.The pain often subsides and comes right back. It's not reality at times, and sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream.
There are better days than others and I know things will continue to take time. Yesterday I was sad for no reason. I just missed her, and can't believe she's really gone. 

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

I always want to Sparkle

Whenever I'm having a bad day I think to myself that it's ok, but can't get down for to long. I have a mission to spread and carry on Sydneys legacy. I have to say at times I feel like a "mini celebrity". Sometimes I walk into places in the local town, and people stop me to ask me how I am, or people just stare, because I think they know who I am, or maybe because of all the pink I have on, or because they've seen my picture online or in the paper. Either way I always feel that I'm meeting new people each day, and telling Sydneys story over and over again multiple times. This is my healing, and what makes me feel my best. I love talking about the sparkle, and what we have planned next. 
Yesterday I was in the hair salon and I overheard a vendor talking about the color pink. My ears perked up, and I smiled, because the receptionist said, we "pink" and we "sparkle" for Sydney. I smiled and said, "yup for my baby girl. Please look at Sydney Craven Memorial Fund", as I handed him a business card.
Most days I feel like I am doing my best and inspiring others. This is a job that I never thought I would have to do. I find myself working hard every day for a legacy that will be so special and will touch so many young lives. 
Like any day  I have my ups and downs, but I do my best to get by. When I think I can't get up anymore I look in the mirror, and say, "yes I can!" If you see me around town please say, "hi", and know I will always want to talk about the sparkle that shines so bright each day. I got a mission to sparkle, and of course to shine on for my baby girl.

Pink bows and tutus for Sydney

Sometimes all you need is your besties, pink tutus, and bows to help spread the sparkle!!! I couldn't be more proud of myself for making my first Sydney Craven Memorial Fund tutu! We had a great team approach tonight. Thanks Leanne and Lindsey for helping with all the sparkle. Nothing like a little pink bow, and tutu to make you think of Sydney that is missed so much! We all miss you so much baby girl and know you were smiling and giggling down on us as we were working on special things for you. Lots of pink and sparkles for such a special little girl. Sparkle On baby girl Sparkle On!!!

Monday, September 21, 2015

A whole lot of SPARKLE to spread

To think that one little girl, one small sparkle could reach out to so many people in just a short amount of time. I made a promise to Sydney that I would ALWAYS spread her sparkle as far as it would go. 6months later I can't believe the amount of support that touches us everyday. "How do you do it" "How do you move on everyday" is what people often ask me. My answer is pretty simple: I count on everyone's support to get me by. I find that so many people know about the sparkle that they spread it on to someone else. 
I want Sydneys story and sparkle to reach out to many others as our sparklers continue to grow each week. We are almost up to 1400 on her Facebook page. 
As I uploaded that video yesterday of my first real interview and the article from the other day; I thought to myself how proud Sydney would have been and still is of her mama. 
When Sydney passed away the amount of people that had reached out was amazing.  Over 10,000 within 24hours! When I looked online yesterday to see how many people have viewed the article that was posted, I was amazed again. 10,000+ within 24hr had reached out, read, and shared her story!
 I am one proud mama, and I give so much thanks to all those that support me everyday. One day at a time, and one sparkle to be spread. This mama has a mission that will only get stronger as time goes on, and the sparkle continues to shine brighter.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Apple Picking Smiles

As the Fall season comes around the corner one of the traditions that Shane and I always had was apple picking, and especially taking the twins over the last two years. 
This year things were different as we were missing our little love. We decided to try a new place this year and change our old tradition of where we used to go. Shane and I have decided that moving forward we will try to make new new memories and new traditions, but always reflect back and remember the ones we had with Syd and LoLo together.
As Logan walked down the orchards today there wasn't really that sadness that I was expecting. Logan is such a happy boy, and absolutely loved to pick the apples. Well he loved to pick them, take a bite out of them, and then chuck them at me. 
As we made new memories today we talked about the old times we had apple picking. Sydney was definitely missed as she always is, but wasn't forgotten. 
As we were walking down one of the paths I looked down on the ground an saw a little nest with 4 eggs in it. Not sure why but I thought it was a sign. 4 eggs- 4 of way of feeling better and remembering Sydney. 
We took lots of new photos and created lots of new memories. It was a great day overall with tons of apples to eat and use for yummy desserts. It doesn't get any easier, but we try to do our best. Sydney was definitely watching over us, and continuing to sparkle on like she always does. 

Saturday, September 19, 2015

6months without our baby girl

6 months was not easy yesterday. I'd be lying if I said it was. The day started out with a spin class so I could release some of the tension that was already building up. "You are stronger than you think" "You can do this. Don't give up". These words stuck with me as I pushed really hard through a workout that I haven't done in awhile.
The middle of the day was spent with one of my best friends looking for her wedding dress and celebrating her birthday all in one. It was a little hard to see the little flower girl dresses that lined the front of the store today. I thought of Sydney and how much I knew and always wanted her to be a little flower girl in Auntie Stephanie's wedding when she would get married. I couldn't have been more happy for my best friend as she found the dress of her dreams. All the sadness that came with today was suddenly put on hold, until I drove home.
I wanted to stop by Sydneys area and have some alone time. I couldn't catch my breath and the pain was harder than I could handle. I think it was a combination of all the highs and lows of yesterday. 
I came home and spent the rest of the evening with Logan and Shane. I thought the pain would subside, but it just stuck with me as I scrolled through pictures of her on my phone while watching tv with the family.
As the day came to an end I was proud that I got through a tough day that brings with so many added emotions. All I can do is look ahead to 6months from now where the sparkle will be even brighter than it is today. I know Sydney was looking down on us yesterday, and could see all the sparkle and love that is always there for her. We miss you baby girl and will continue to shine and sparkle on for you. 

Friday, September 18, 2015

Somedays I can't believe your gone

As we approach 6months today I still often find myself saying, "are you kidding me"..."did this really happen? No this is not a movie or a television show, but real life and she is gone. I think the hardest part for me is really wrapping my head around the fact that Sydney is gone, and unfortunately isn't coming back. I remember thinking to myself the day after Sydney passed away, "how will I be 6months from now"? As we approach this big milestone I look back on everything we have accomplished and have ready to move forward in the months ahead 
Yesterday I found  myself talking a lot about Sydney, and expressing the same thing over again in my conversations. "Yes this is real life, and the only thing I can do is spread her sparkle". There must be a reason, and boy do I wish I had a crystal ball to see, but as we try to move on the only sense I can make is that Sydney had a mission. A mission to help, and a mission to spread the sparkle. It sure is not easy, and there are days that are tougher than others, but we try to do our best. As I look through all the pictures and spread the sparkle that she brought us my stomach and heart aches. It's so hard to imagine that the little smirk or diva look is no longer here in person. 
Sydneys sparkle is just beginning, and all I can do is continue to spread it far and wide. The more people that believe in the sparkle, and want to promote her legacy often helps me get by. For all the pink, bows, tutu, sparkle, and glitter that is shown I know that my baby girl is being remembered everyday. Here's to 6 more months when I'm sure it won't get easier, but the sparkle will definitely be bigger. Sparkle On

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Lots of sparkles and glitter

"Heather you can never have to much sparkle." A teacher said to me today as I walked into her office with my sparkly sandles. I think it's pretty obvious that "glitter" and anything "sparkly" or "pink" is my favorite. Anything to remind me of my baby girl makes me happy, and I'm proud to sparkle and shine in her honor!

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

A bow that means so much to me

There's nothing that makes my heart happier than seeing little girls wear a "Sydney bow". There are days that are so tough, and just looking at the pictures makes me feel better. The pain will always be there that I won't get to place a perfect bow in Sydneys hair anymore, and stings more than anything that I don't get to play "dress-up" with my little girl; however, knowing that Sydneys legacy lives on in others makes it easier. 
Logan even wanted to get in the action of wearing a bow. He picked up one of my hair bows and said, "mama I wear Sydneys bow". He is one proud kid to sport the sparkle, and pink for his sister Ne-Ne. 
Thank you everyone who takes a picture and shares a bow with me. It might not seem like a lot but it really is. It shows that the sparkle and Sydneys legacy will live on. We will keep the bows coming, and keep her sparkle alive.
                *a new Sydney Bow*

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Close my eyes and think of you

Last year I bought Sydney and Logan a Disney cd for the car that played there favorite Disney Junior songs. I stopped playing it for awhile after Sydney passed but recently started playing it again, because Logan asked for Mickey. 
On the way to Sydneys area yesterday with Logan I caught myself singing to one of the Doc McStuffins songs on the cd. I paused for a second to listen to actually what Doc was saying. As I pulled into Sydneys area I smiled, because this is what I heard: 
"When The One That You Love Feels So Far Away...No Matter What, It Will Be Okay. All I Have To Do, When I'm Feeling Blue...Close My Eyes And Picture You!"- Picture You Doc McStuffins
Who knew a Doc McStuffins song could mean so much and bring me to tears. Everytime I close my eyes I get a glimpse of what's not there. Everytime I see a picture of her my heart aches a lot . I hope even though Sydneys far away she knows I'm thinking of her all the time. I will alway miss my baby girl, and that will never change as the heart aches on. 

Ups and Downs

There are good days and bad days. Days filled with lots of highs and some days with lots of lows. It's a rollercoaster of emotions that takes a new path each day. I have these days that I'm fine and then days when I'm just torn apart. To think that something so perfect is just now gone, and can't be replaced is just unimaginable. I often ask myself "why", but come to find no answer at this time. 
All I know is that Sydney does her best to shine down and sparkle on. As we try to take one day at a time I know that she is with us. Life is not easy, and it's filled with many ups and downs. Today and everyday is hard, but we do our best to find the strength that we need from the Sparkle that shines above. Boy do I miss you much!!!

Sunday, September 13, 2015

The Red Truck came back

A little over a month after Sydney passed away I talked about "the little red truck" and how it often goes off all the time without a remote control present. As the months went on I became attached to this red truck as I really believed it was Syds way of letting us know she is present at times. Some people might believe it, and others might not. For those that have seen the red truck move when they've been here it's pretty amazing.
It's been a hectic few weeks and I haven't heard much from the truck, and just thought maybe Sydney is busy spreading the sparkle everywhere. I asked Shane if he heard the truck move lately and his response was No. 
I did all I could to not touch the truck, but  gave in and changed the batteries. As soon as I put the new batteries in the truck went spinning around in circles.
There are a few things that make me feel connected to Syd and this is one of them. I honestly would rather have her here, but unfortunately isn't going to happen. All I can do is continue to find the little signs that Sydney is around, and spread the sparkle everywhere we go. 

Sparkling through an amazing town

Yesterday was a great day overall for all the sparkle that was spread. It was our first time having a table at a big event where we could talk about the Sydney Craven Memorial Fund, her story, mission, and the legacy that we are all putting together for such an amazing little girl.
It was East Bridgewater Day a chance for  fun, rides, tables, and local businesses to come together in the center of town. I was very excited to have a table this year, because I wanted to talk about her legacy, and try to not "think about" last year when Auntie Krissy and Auntie Stephanie took Logan and Sydney there together. This year was different. 
Leanne, myself, and Deanna sat at the prettiest, sparkly, table there was. We were in our pink, tutus, and had our bows to rock. It wasn't easy at first to talk about her story, but then after a few times it just became natural. I even was interviewed by the local town news station.
I would say there were about 5times when I made people just sob, and walk away from my table. One time a lady couldn't even look at me, because she knew who I was even before I could say what we were, another man came up cried , because he had two young daughters, and another lady cried, because she was so amazed by my strength, and what a positive vibe I was bring to the town, and her legacy after such a tragedy. We all were emotional, and that's alright. It's not easy to talk about something that hits home to so many people. 
I really appreciate all the support and encouragement that I received yesterday. Many people asked me, "how I do it, an only after less than 6 months of her being gone." The answer was pretty consistent.  I do it because I have to. I do it because I get the strength from others that think of the sparkle far and wide. It's the people that come up to me and say, "I don't know you, but I think about you, andyour  family every day." I know that Sydney would be so proud, and was placed on this earth for such a short time to leave such a mark, and sparkle.
I can not wait to see what lies ahead for Sydneys legacy, and her 1st annual tutu run next June. If her sparkle has touched so many lives already I can't wait to see what the next few months look like.
Nothing helps my heart more than little girls prancing around with a "Sydney bow" in there hair, little boys with pink wristbands for Sydney, and people just so excited to talk about the "sparkle".
Sparkle on baby girl I know you are looking down, and shining on us everyday.