Goodbye May Hello June

Goodbye May, it's been real. The month of May has come and gone, and it didn't seem to be too bad. I had my occasional ups and downs, but that is nothing new. I'm very excited to see what June brings. I've actually been counting down the days to Sydney's first annual Tutu Run and SparkleFest, and the last day of school. Everyone's hard work will all come together at Sydney's event, which I can't wait to see. A day that honors Sydney and her memorial fund is something that will be so special to see. After the race is done I will be in summer mode. Pools, beach days, and outings friends and my little buddy LoLo. I can't wait. Here's to June, where the sparkle will shine on, and summer will officially arrive.

 

The baby store

It's been awhile since I've been in the store Babies "R" Us for baby items. To be honest I really never thought I would need to look at car seats or bottles again, but we all know how this story goes. It was a big deal to go into this store yesterday and look at a few things for baby Maddox. I had a little help from Logan and Shane, which made it a little easier. Logan was very excited to pick out something for Maddox, as he's been asking for a few weeks now. He picked out a lion toy and a few outfits. Doing things over again isn't so bad, because the outcome will all be worth it. I thought about Sydney a lot as I walked through the store yesterday. I know she's with us, which often makes each day a little easier. 

Winnie the Pooh quote

After a great day at a family bbq, we came home and watched, "Winnie the Pooh". One of my favorite quotes for Sydney is from this series. It's important that I always remember, and that Logan does too. She's always on our minds every single day. There's never a day that goes by that we don't talk about her and think about her. This blog post references the quote that I used at her funeral. "Even if we're apart I'll always be with you"- Winnie the Pooh. We love you baby girl! 

Beach, sun, and smiles!!!

Yesterday was the first beach day of the season, and the start to a fun long weekend. You would think at 6 months pregnant I would slow down, but that doesn't happen. I still am the energizer bunny, but just a little slower at times. I realize how fast I go when the day is over and I can't feel my legs, but it's worth it. 

Can't stop us from having a fun day, which we had. There were lots of laughs, smiles, friends, and tons of sand. I wasn't sad today about Sydney which was good. I did think about her often at the beach while other little girls ran around, but I knew she would want me to be happy, active, and enjoying the moments. 

Yesterday was a good day and I can't wait to see what the rest of the long weekend brings. 

Memorial Day Weekend

Memorial Day weekend is filled with lots of sun, fun, and of course family and friends. I know this weekend will be great, but I can't help but reflect back to my first Memorial Day with the twins. I remember it so well. We took them to Castle Island for the first time. Just us as a family of four. Looking back we were able to celebrate two Memorial Days with Sydney, but it should have been many more.

I will look forward to all the new memories we will create with Maddox. This time next year I'll be running around with two kids again, and probably will be in much need of a few days off. It's good to look ahead and smile, because sometimes when you look back it often pays a toll on your heart. 

If it's pink I love it

If it's PINK or SPARKLY I definitely want it!!! I came home last night from work and turned the corner to my street, and all I could see was pink. I drove closer to Sydney's garden and noticed that the two rocks in her garden were pink. Of course I love it, but who did this?  I came inside and asked Shane who painted the rocks. His response, "LoLo and I did. We liked the pink." I smiled and said, "alright that's fine be me, because you know I love pink for Syd." If Shane and LoLo did it together it makes me happy. It's a little special touch added by her daddy and brotha. It's just perfect. 

Pictures can be good and bad

I can't imagine going through this grieving process without having pictures and videos to help me along the way. Sometimes the pictures and videos can be good and bad all at the same time. I get to remember daily and share all the memories with loved ones whenever I want. There is also the difficult part that makes your heart hurt when you look back at what life used to be like. Every day I continue to capture as many memories as I can, because unfortunately I can't trust life. We have had to deal with the most tragic thing that anyone could go through. It's hard not to think about a tragedy happening again. I believe it won't. I believe we are moving forward, but must always be prepared to document and capture those memories. We all miss Sydney and will forever. We take the memories that we have and always remember her, so she never will be forgotten. 

Not sugar coating it

Can I say it without sugar coating it? Here it goes...it just plain sucks!!! To wake up every morning knowing that Sydney is gone. Life is going on one day at a time, but it's often hard to focus moving forward when the pain is bigger then you can handle or imagine. Try waking up every morning with hormones that are raging and a heart that's aching. I stare at her picture constantly, and still can't figure out how this is even possible. It's taken me awhile to shout out my feelings that hide inside. I know I'll be alright because I've come this far, but it's just not fair. I'll be saying this forever. Look at her picture above and tell me how is it fair that she's gone? 

Seeing Ne-Ne through LoLo's eyes

Sometimes Logan will talk about Ne-Ne on his own, and other days I might just ask a question to see his response. Last night I asked Logan how daycare was. His response was, "good." I then engaged in conversation and said, "Did you see Ne-Ne?" Logan's response was, "yes she was coloring a family picture next to me at daycare." I then asked him what she was wearing, because I like to hear more. Logan said the same thing he said a while back: a pink tutu, white shirt, and headband. 

I really do believe that Logan does see Ne-Ne, but sometimes I get sad that I can't see her. I am just glad that Logan is able to keep the twin bond going strong, and that Ne-Ne is with him. 

Planting in Ne-Ne's garden

I never had a green thumb growing up, and everything I would try to plant would just wilt to the ground. It took Sydney's passing to have me try my hand at gardening again. Last year I created Sydney's garden, which was a special place for my mind to let go and let my creativity loose. People came last year and would drop off beautiful flowers that filled her area. 

This year I'm all ready to tackle her garden again. The weather hasn't been to cooperative lately, so I feel a little behind with her garden. This weekend I started her garden with help from LoLo. He loves to pick out flowers especially those for his Ne-Ne. Her garden is a place that makes me happy when I'm feeling down. It's my spring and summer project that makes my heart happy. I might not be the best gardener, but my heart is where I need it to be. I try my hardest for Sydney, and hope that she loves the end result. 

Girls night with Ne-Ne truck

Life doesn't always go as it seems, and at any moment I can be set off by the smallest thing. Friday night I was already having a tough night, but it got worse when Shane and Logan decided to have guys night watching Avengers. I couldn't help myself, but I became really sad. I was upset that Logan and Shane were hanging out as guys, and I didn't have my little girl with me anymore to have some girl time. I always envisioned what life would have been if Sydney was still here. I'd have some quality girl time and Shane would have boy time, and then we would switch. It would have been perfect. Since I was already in a bad mood I couldn't control myself, and just cried and cried. Sometimes a good cry is all I need. I remember saying to myself, "I just wish Sydney was here", and wiping away the tears.

I heard Ne-Ne's truck moving in the living room when I was wiping the tears away. It's not abnormal for her truck to go off, but this time it was going in complete circles. Round and round it went faster and faster until I just went over and held it. I knew this was Sydney's way of having her girl time with her mama. This got me to stop crying and to reflect. I looked at her picture, and kissed it good night. I'm so sad that Sydney is not here everyday, but find it really special that she came to visit for some girl time.

 

Friday blues

Driving home yesterday after a long week of work I couldn't help but get a pit in my stomach. I got this feeling a lot last summer when I spent most of my time at home with Logan. It's a combination of being sad along with my emotions from grieving. Why was I sad? I'm not quite sure, it was just the feeling of being alone in the car and reflecting. As I sat in traffic I just stared at her picture on my visor. Boy do I miss her, and I can't believe how tough it's been lately. Most people drive home on a Friday afternoon and look forward to a great weekend. I do the same but often have that weight on my heart that hits whenever it wants. It's painful and unfortunately will never go away. 

A little twinkle in the sky

"Everyone's a star and deserves the right to twinkle"-Marilyn Monroe 

Some days I just need a quote that reminds me of my baby girl. She's not physically here, but when I stare up at those stars at night I often see a twinkle and know that she's shining down. Is it the same as having her here? Absolutely not, but for me it's the only thing that I can take away from a horrifying situation. May you shine on Sydney, and keep an eye on your mommy, daddy, brotha, little Maddox, and all your family and friends that care so much about you. Sparkle On!!!

Just wishing you were here

We all know how I feel about the app TimeHop. Sometimes it makes my heart happy and then there are times my heart just aches. Yesterday I was having a good day until I clicked on a baby video of Sydney. Normally I would just smile, or even just cry, but this video was different. It's what was said in the video that made me sad. I was videotaping Sydney when she was about 6 weeks not sleeping, while Logan was sleeping. I said towards the end, "I know she's super cute but she's driving me bananas." I would have never said that if I knew where I would be 3 years later. It's just hard for me, because time had just stopped. I never got to say goodbye and never really got to tell her how much I love her. I'm glad that I have the videos, but just so sad Sydney's not here. 3 years later she should be here!!!

Let me tell you about Sydney

It's not often that I meet someone who doesn't really know about Sydney, however when it happens it's like I'm talking about it from the beginning again. Yesterday someone came to visit our school and came down to my office. The first thing she said was, "wow you must love sparkles" and my response was "you don't even know how much". As soon as she came across my desk she noticed the picture of Sydney and said, "oh wow your daughter she's absolutely beautiful she looks just like you". I wasn't going to say anything to her, but decided I should let her know that Sydney had passed away and that's why I have so many sparkles in my room. This woman was speechless and had tears in her eyes as I went on explaining about Sydney. She had so many questions about "why" and "why sparkles". I told her I don't mind talking about Sydney, it just comes natural as I want everyone to remember her. I'd say I composed myself pretty well. As always I wish I didn't have to talk about my daughter who is gone, but also am happy to so people remember. 

Back-and-forth emotions

Since Sydney has passed away my life and emotions are in a constant balancing act. I try to juggle how my mind feels and balance it with my heart all at the same time.  I want nothing but the best for the people in my life that when I hear such wonderful news I am over the moon excited, yet my heart always takes a turn back to grieving mode. It's like I have a "devil" and an "angel" on my shoulders constantly. It's the only relation I can make to the balancing act that I feel. My mind tells me one feeling, but my heart says another. The constant back-and-forth is exhausting. Sometimes my mind tries to forget that I'm a grieving mother, but my heart once again choses to remind me daily of the little girl that isn't with me anymore. It's a constant battle. 

Get your sparkle on

Do you know what's really difficult? Getting up every day and remembering a little girl who should have never been taken away. Each day I wake up and try to give my all to my family and friends, while having a constant pain in my heart. I know there are times that I come across as calm when talking about Sydney, but there are other times when I'm so scared and shy. 

The other day I completed my first public service announcement about Sydney's legacy, Tutu Run and SparkleFest. As the camera rolled I did all I could to not get up and leave because I was so nervous. After finishing and seeing it all put together, all the nerves went away. I was so proud, and I know that Sydney would be proud too. It's not easy to get up in front of a video camera and talk about something that weighs on your heart daily, but I try my best. 

Working hard and powering through the emotions is how I survive. It's not easy, but this grieving mother tries her hardest. 

Please check out to see the video!!! http://vp.telvue.com/preview?id=T01812&video=276254

to see the video!

Sparkle On!!!

LoLo felt a kick

One of the things I've been waiting for since being pregnant again is having baby Maddox kick, and letting Logan feel it. Every day Logan will come up to me and ask to touch my belly, but always seems to miss Maddox kicking. He loves to give a kiss to my belly, and often will say goodnight to him. Last night Logan was able to feel the baby kick for the first time. It was a very special moment. I'm glad he's able to share in this experience with me. Logan's going to be such a good brother. I just can't wait to have Maddox get here so Logan can enjoy all the little things being a "big brother" offers. 

I miss Ne-Ne

I would say the majority of the time we pick up Logan from daycare he is happy and has a good report. Yesterday was a little different as Ms. Emily told us that Logan was sad at daycare. When Ms. Emily asked Logan why he was so sad he said, "I miss Ne-Ne". This was the first time that I heard him say something like this. Logan is always talking such good things about his sister that I never realize that he might be grieving too. 

We did all we could to make the rest of the night better. We spent time with Auntie Jew-Jew at dinner, and played a few games in the arcade. 

I'm alright with Logan having bad days  because he misses his "Ne-Ne", but to be honest it just breaks my heart all over again. We all miss her so much more than words can ever explain. 

Nice weather reminds me of Syd

As the nice weather arrives it reminds me of all the times Logan and Sydney used to play on the deck together and run through the yard. Spring time and summer time will always be hard. The only thing that sometimes helps is the weather outside, and that Sydney will always be remembered in our backyard. Time hop reminded me yesterday of the first time the twins played on the deck with their water table, and also when Logan got his swing set dedicated to him last year from Sydney. 

This is one of my favorite pictures as Logan looked up at his sign dedicated from his sister. Everytime Logan plays outside on his swing set we think of Sydney. I know she's with Logan all the time, but I hope more than anything she comes through this spring and summer as the nice weather approaches. As always she will be remembered, and will "always have a friend" with her " brotha" LoLo. 

Memories come and go

There are days when I think of so many memories of Sydney. Almost two years doesn't seem like a long time, but in that amount of time I filled her life with so many moments that I'll hold in my heart forever. One of those moments was the time I got Sydney's ears pierced. I remember Shane being so against it, but I begged him to let me get them done when she was 18 months. She was absolutely beautiful with and without her ears pierced. I bring this up, because on the way home yesterday I was talking to Leanne about how in retrospect I probably could have waited, but having her ears pierced just made me happy to have a little girl, and have little girl things. Fast forward almost a year and half later and I'm just so sad. I'm glad we have the memories, and I'm glad her ears were pierced, but so sad she's not here. The pain is just crazy at times as the memories come and go. 

Mommy's out of commission

Well this blog is pretty easy to write. This momma is broken and has officially thrown her back out. I feel like it's always something with the Craven's and catching a break is few and far between. Lots of ice, heat, and rest is what the doctor ordered. Good luck telling that to a momma who's always on the go. Maybe this was my body's way of saying, "slow down please", and the only way to get me to listen was to make me out of commission. Deep breaths as I tackle another situation, and work on getting myself better.  

Heart pain

Isn't it ironic that yesterday Maddox was sitting on something that was making it hard to breathe. I only make note of this, because it feels like the feeling I get at times when my breath is taken away from missing Sydney so much. It's the powerful pain that sits right on my chest and targets my heart. I know Maddox doesn't mean any pain, but this doesn't help the pain that's already there daily. After a pretty emotional weekend I can say that my heart is mending again until the next event. It's actually gearing up for Sydney's Tutu Run and SparkleFest coming up next month. This will take so much heart and effort to barrel through the event. I'll just have to continue protecting my heart as I take one day at a time with a growing baby Maddox inside, and the sparkle above!!!

Mothers Day 2016

Mother's Day will never be the same since our little love was taken from us. Although it's always going to be a hard day, yesterday couldn't have been more perfect. It was simple, filled with lots of love, laughter, and my little family. My morning started out with a trip to the supermarket by myself, which most moms know this is a win-win. I ended up grabbing Sydney's area two new hanging plants. There's something about flowers that make me happy. I can't wait to start her garden.

We went out for lunch today for Italian which is my favorite. Just me and my boys made for a great lunch. On the way home we stopped for ice cream, which is a tradition we started my first Mother's Day. Finally, we ended up at home where we laughed, snuggled, and just relaxed. This day was as special as could be, and I'm so thankful that I have a little boy who loves me more than the world, one little one on the way, an amazing hubby, and the sparkle above whose always watching over us every day. 

Getting my nails done

I rarely treat myself at times, but when I do a nice little manicure or pedicure will do the trick. I got my nails done a lot after Sydney passed away, because it was the only thing that passed the time to make me feel happy. Yesterday I got my nails done in the afternoon for a Mother's Day present to myself. As I sat waiting to be called I couldn't help but look at the little girls with their mothers getting their nails done. That was supposed to be me with Sydney, and it often hurts me so bad. I listened to the mothers talking about their festivities with their daughters and it just stung. Every day I try to forget that this even happened to me, but it's nearly impossible. Grief will be with me every day of my life, and can get worse at anytime. It just seems to flare up during special weekends like this one. I just miss Sydney being here very much!!!

Mother's Day Weekend

I have an hour to and from work, and sometimes I just use the ride to reflect, clear my mind, and usually think about Sydney. It's my quiet time. Yesterday on my way home I remembered how hard this weekend coming up was going to be. After all the hustle and bustle of the week I came to the realization that Mother's Day was going to be difficult yet again. Of course my LoLo and Shane will make it a nice day, but there's also the other side of me that feels so sad. The other part of me the misses my child that is no longer with me. Some people visit their elder loved ones at cemeteries, I will be doing the opposite, visiting my daughter. No one should ever have to bury one of their children. Hard is an understatement of this weekend. I'll take it one day at a time and keep on wishing she was here each day!