Monday, February 29, 2016

Leap Day

Leap day...the day that occurs every 4 years. Can't believe where we have come within the last four years and what has happened to turn our world around. The last time there was "February 29th" I believe we were trying to start a family. We knew we wanted to be parents, but never knew the highs and lows that would occur. Fast forward four years later, and wow are things much different. We still have a family, but we are one less. It's hard to think how much can change in a certain amount of time. The last few days have taught me so much. On this leap day I'm so thankful for the amazing family and friends I have, and for being able to do what I do best- spread the sparkle. Logan's doing better, and we can't wait till all the sickies go away. A nasty virus is never fun. It's time for some nice weather, to open the windows, and focus on all the amazing things ahead. Here comes March where I'll need all the strength I can get. I'm ready, and know everyone is behind us. See you in four years leap year. Can't wait to see what happens then.

It's just tough

Life is so tough when you have to go through something that turns your whole world around. I always say, "how come us?" But never seem to get a clear answer why? Life has given us our fair share of heartaches, and it's so hard to have those days when you feel like the pain is so deep. Of course when Logan gets sick the initial hype starts, and continues on until he gets better. I'm not going to get into to many details, but let's just say our little Logan gave us quite a scare yesterday. A scare that took our hearts and shook them up and down. We are strong parents and have an amazing support system, but unfortunately there's only so much heartache, pain, and concern that we can take. Things would be different if we didn't lose Sydney, but for now we need to focus on getting the sickies away, and trust that the sparkle is right with her brotha. 

Saturday, February 27, 2016

The sun is shining down on Ne-Ne

'Yesterday the sun was shining, but it didn't feel like spring yet. When you look around the stores are in spring mode, but not the forecast. Despite the coldness today I was ready to "think spring". I picked up a few new things for Sydney's area and drove by. The stone was "sparkling" more than I've seen it before. The sun hit the stone in the right spot as I drove away, and I kissed her goodbye. Until tomorrow Sydney! Mama hopes your stone continues to shine a little brighter as we spread your sparkle everywhere we go.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Always taking about the Sparkle

"How do you just talk so freely about Sydney without breaking down is the question that many people ask me." To be honest I have no clue, and I have no idea how I actually get up everyday, but I do it. I'm constantly thinking about Sydney more than people realize. It's the sudden pause in my day when someone asks me how I'm doing, or the pause I take when someone wants to talk about Sydney. It consumes my daily life. For some reason the more I talk about her the more I just feel better. The other night I was able to stand up in front of a room full of people and talk about Sydney, her legacy, and her foundation that will help so many kids. It's kind of hard to believe that it will be a year in a few weeks, and how far we have come with the sparkle. Why do I carry on her legacy? Because it's the ONLY thing that keeps me going besides my little LoLo and Shane. No one should ever have to go through this heartache, and I ask myself why each day. There must be a reason and I'm not sure just why, but I'm trying so hard to just do the best I can. Even though the struggle is just very real!

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Watching mama do her makeup

I remember how excited I was to have a little girl who one day would love to play dress up with her mama, or watch me do my makeup. As Sydney got close to her second birthday she loved to watch me get ready in the morning. She would sit on my bed with all my makeup brushes and hand them to me as I put my makeup on. I always used to pretend to put makeup on her with my brushes, and even would play pretend with her own lipstick and makeup kit. 
Since Sydney passed away Logan now sits on the bed and watches me do my makeup. He says, "mama I don't wear makeup", but still enjoys watching me. It is so different to not have Sydney here watching me do my makeup . It's the little things that I remember that make my heart so sad. No more makeup sessions, and no more girly things. It's just an awful feeling to have. Every morning when I get ready I think of Sydney, and I always will. She might not physically be here, but I know she's looking down on me when she can.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Getting sad over a lunch box?

Sometimes it's the little things that sting the most. How about a free lunch box? Sounds like a good idea until you realize that there is only "one" lunch box that you need. One for Logan, but not one for Sydney. I had to bypass all the girly ones and go straight for the boy colors, which is fine, because I know Logan will love it. I'm just sad. 
As we get closer to her one year anniversary of her passing I find it so much harder. Every little thing I do I just think of Sydney. She's ALWAYS on my mind, but wish she was just here. I can't say it enough, but it's not fair. Who knew choosing a lunch box would hurt so much!

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Behind the sadness is a SMILE

"Ohana means family, family means no one gets left behind"- Lilo and Stich
No matter how much heartache we have each day we still manage to smile, laugh, cry together, and make the BEST out of many situations. I often take so many pictures to capture the moment, because we all know how quickly it can go away. I'm choosing a few pictures that show us being "happy" as a family from our amazing trip to Disney. We try so hard to be happy, but often struggle with the heartache. Here's to smiling a little more throughout the pain, and taking one day at a time. 

Monday, February 22, 2016

Back to reality

We are officially back home as our vacation from Disney has come to an end!!! Some people say you need a vacation from your vacation, but we honestly had such an amazing time that it made everything just right. Don't get me wrong I'm a little tired from travel yesterday, and emotionally tired as always, but I'm still going. To be honest, the only thing that has bothered me was the fact that we're back to "our reality". The fact that Sydney isn't here, and we still take it one day at a time. Our trip wasn't complete unless we drove by Sydney's area last night. I missed going to her area very much. We actually took a picture and video of her area so we could feel connected while we were away. I'm not ashamed of that!
It's definitely not easy lately, and still hurts so much. The last few videos and pictures that I have of her is what really gets to me. Even though it will be her one year mark next month, the wound is still very fresh. It was great to get away and enjoy a well deserved vacation, but often hard to get back to the way things were. This is our life and it's difficult, but we're trying to do our best. 

A few Disney purchases for Sydney

As we finished up our last full day in Magic Kingdom I was on a mission to find something special for Sydney. It was all about what was going to "sparkle" for my little love. 
As I walked by the Christmas store I figured I'd check in there again. I had already been to the store, but didn't find anything. As I was just about to leave the store something caught my eye. A Minnie Mouse with a pink tutu, and of course a sparkly bow. It even had the year on it. This will be perfect for her area, and for her little pink Christmas Tree next year. 
Following our visit from the Magic Kingdom we stopped at Downtown Disney. Shane was on a mission to find "pick a pearl" for Sydney. For those of you that don't know, it's a place where you can pick your own oyster and find a pearl inside. This was very important for Shane to do with Logan for Sydney. Our shell came with one pearl, and will be placed in a simple heart pendant to keep forever. 
Buying stuff for Sydney is often hard, because she is not physically here to receive it. We do it, because it helps us remember, and keep her sparkle alive. I just want Sydney to know how much we think of her daily, and wish so much she was here experiencing everything with us.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Hidden behind a smile

You know what stinks? The fact that you're at the happiest place on earth and some how your heart is torn apart. Don't get me wrong, we have had such an amazing time, but under that smile there's still a grieving mother. I look back at pictures and videos of Sydney, and often think to myself-how the "F" did this happen? I can't control my emotions and often feel sick to my stomach. No one understands what it feels like, and the pain that hits everyday. If she was sick then maybe I would have understood a little more. I'm doing alright and loving my little family; however this mama is tired. I'm emotionally tired with a mending heart. 

Friday, February 19, 2016

11 months is still just as difficult

Eleven months have gone by already since our baby girl has been gone! Has it really been 11 months? I totally forgot about the 19th this month, because I was so wrapped up in Disney stuff. I was wondering why I was having such a hard time the other day, and it dawned on me that her anniversary was the next day. I actually was ok yesterday, but it kind of hit me in the afternoon. That's when I realized that all the "girly stuff" at Disney was slightly getting to me, and how I just missed her and wished she was with us.
I even found myself talking to a lady on the way home from Magic Kingdom about Sydney, because she had twin grandchildren. When I told her what had happened to Sydney the same expression came out as usual. "Was she sick?" Same answer-NO!!!
Even after 11 months nothing has changed. It's still a shock, and still stings every day. We continue to visit the most magical place on earth, but really wish Sydney was here with us. 

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Mixed emotions at Disney

Yesterday I was filled with mixed emotions of Sydney throughout the day. Started out when we saw the "Finding Nemo Musical", and they kept on saying, "where is Sydney"? I know it's part of the movie, but it hit home to Shane and Me. It just was a weird feeling.
Then I had a few minutes to lay by the pool, and I almost felt guilty I was relaxing and not thinking of her. I just needed to check my mind out for a little bit. Finally, at the end of the night we did a "pirates and pals fireworks cruise". Of course one of the songs we sang was "you got a friend in me". I of course knew all the words, as I should have since its Ne-Ne's song to her Brotha. It was a very magical experience to watch the fireworks as they lit up the castle. They played "when you wish upon a star" which holds such a special place in our hearts. I know other people were enjoying the fireworks, but we were both thinking about Sydney. She had to be with us yesterday, I just know it! 

Slow down and enjoy the magic

A full day in Disney equals an exhausted mommy, daddy, and Logan! As parents, I know we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make everything perfect. Today was perfect, but I forgot for a minute that Logan's not even 3 yet, and might need a nap and to slow down. I'm so used to the "go-go attitude" of Disney that I actually forgot to slow down today. After we came back to take a nap I realized that it's not about doing 100 things in one day, but cherishing the moments. The reaction on Logan's face yesterday when he saw the characters was amazing. Those are the moments that I will remember. Tomorrow I will continue to capture those moments, but will really try hard to slow down, and enjoy! This is such a magical place that I want to take it all in. 

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

The magic sure did SPARKLE!!!

What a day yesterday!!! I don't even know how to begin, besides it was filled with the start to a magical week. The day started out with a little sparkle when a little girl smiled at us in the airport with a "sparkle" sweatshirt on it. She had to be no more then 2. We ended up at Disney where Logan kept on saying, "this is so much fun mama and dada", as we played in the pool. We did a little bit of shopping, and then came back to the hotel. As we came into our room we were totally surprised by amazing "sparkle" gifts from my ladies back home. I couldn't cry, because I'm so tired after a long day, but want each and everyone of the girls to know that we so APPRECIATE IT!!! Here's to lots of sparkles this week, Disney Magic, and making memories!!!

Monday, February 15, 2016

The Red Truck Sparkles On

It's been a little while since I've talked about "The Red Truck". For those that don't know, the truck was given to Logan on his second birthday a few days after Sydney passed away. Since we started to turn the truck on it always moves, and especially "comes alive" when people Sydney knows comes by. It's her way of coming through to us. There are times when the truck is more active, and others when it doesn't move for awhile.
Yesterday, the truck was in full movement while we relaxed after we finished packing for Disney. The truck was moving so much that I had to move it towards Logan while he was eating his lunch. I bet that was Sydney's way of telling us she was with us, and was going to miss us while we're on vacation. The thought did cross my mind to pack the truck with us, but I know that Sydney will find little ways to make herself known at the most magical place around. I'm so excited to go on this trip, but wish she was with us. I know she would have loved it as much as Logan will. Her sparkle will be remembered, and we will look for her shine. I hope Sydney knows how much we miss her, and that we would have wanted her to be physically with us. Don't worry Sydney I'm sure your sparkle will shine, and the truck will move even when we are gone. 

Valentines Day 2016

Valentines Day 2016 is in the books. We survived the second to last holiday until Sydney's 1 year anniversary next month. We definitely missed her today, and thought about her constantly. The day consisted of lots of family time, rest, packing, and a family dinner to top it off. We even dropped off a pink heart balloon, and pink rose to her area. Logan, Shane and I blew her a kiss as her stone sparkled, while we drove away. 
These days are not easy at times, but we do our best. I cherished the memories that were made today, and remembered as always. Her sparkle was shining through the coldness yesterday, and the love of our family warmed our healing hearts. Hope everyone had a great Valentines Day with lots of sparkles, love, and laughter. 
Valentines Day 2015

Saturday, February 13, 2016

What would Sydney be like?

As I watch Logan grow up right before my eyes, I often wonder where my baby boy went. While I watch Logan turn into a smart little boy I often get choked up wondering what Sydney would be like. We spent the whole year making so many memories, and when I look back I often wish Sydney was here with him? What would she be like? Would she still have been the outgoing one? Would she have had so much "diva" in her that I wouldn't know what to do with? Either way the pain is very strong since she's not here. Each day that she's not here it does get more difficult. As we almost hit her one year anniversary next month I wonder what she's doing up in the sky? My hope is that she's helping others, dancing around in her tutu, watching over us, learning new things, and spreading her sparkle. Life's very tough without her, but we're doing the best we can. Logan's doing the best he can, and as he grows up I know more than anything that she will always be by his side. This Valentine's Day won't be easy without Sydney, but we know that she's watching over all over us. 

Friday, February 12, 2016

I made it to February Vacation

I made it to February Vacation. It was a long, and emotional 6 weeks to get here, but I made it. School hasn't been too stressful, but just long days, and some days Sydney's stuff hits me more than others. I'm so excited to go on this vacation with my little family. I know I've been talking about it for a long time now, but it's only because it's a big moment for my little family. First big trip as a family of three. We need to enjoy this time, and make memories that will help the heartache. When we come home from our trip I know I'll be so exhausted, but it will be so worth it. While we are in Disney we will have the 19th, which is always a little hard each month, and when we return we will have a little less than a month to her anniversary. This trip couldn't have come at a better time. Bear  with me through my excitement as I travel to the happiest place on earth. Don't worry there will be lots of pictures, and of course I will continue to blog, which will highlight the sparkle, and all the memories that will be made. 

Preschool screening without Ne-Ne

Yesterday we had Logan's preschool screening. First off, I can't believe my baby boy will be three next month, and start preschool in September, and second, I can't believe Sydney wasn't with him today to do her screening. I was filled with so many mixed emotions. Yes...I almost cried walking him up the stairs, and it wasn't even the first day of school. I'll probably need a giant box of tissues for that day. I almost got teary eyed waiting when Logan was in there, because he wasn't with Sydney. I know some other twins that will be starting too in September, and thought how my life is so much different now. Logan now lives the life of a "singleton". I almost wanted to mention that he "used" to have a twin, but found myself waiting until we start school next year. I don't want Logan talking about his "Ne-Ne" in the sky, and them having no idea who he's talking about. 
We are so proud of Logan and the little boy he's becoming. He's come such a long way in the last year. I know 3 will be a great year for Logan. He's such a sweet, smart, and funny little boy that lights up everyone's heart!

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Memories of my baby girl

The best thing about memories is making them. I feel so lucky that I took so many pictures of Sydney. I am constantly reminded of my little love daily. She's all over the house, in my car, and pops up daily on my phone each day. I'm such a proud mama to share Sydney's pictures and story with the world. She was absolutely amazing, and I don't want anyone to forget it. This blog is pretty simple. I've been remembering a lot lately. I don't want my pictures to ever end; I know that they won't, but they will "start over again". It's hard to understand that as of March 19th there won't be any recent pictures. Until then I'll keep on remembering, and do my best to always show her sparkle, make sure others never forget, and always sparkle on!