Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Years Eve 2015

Yesterday we finally said goodbye to 2015. Unfortunately we are not celebrating an amazing year; although I often contradict myself, because we have done our BEST with Logan. He made the healing process better, along with family and friends. 
New Years Eve Day was just how I would have written it. It was all about spending time with my little family, and creating new memories. Of course there were lots of sparkles and pink to make it better. Logan even wore pink glasses, and said, "mama I see pink everything for NeNe." Shane and I woke up to watch the ball drop, kissed each other and LoLo at midnight, and waved goodbye to 2015. Right before we went to bed again "shut up and dance with me" came on as a performance. Logan heard the song, woke up and said, "that's my ne-ne song" and fell back to sleep. That made both our nights. 
Even though we didn't have a wild and crazy NYE, I really spent the most important time with my little family. It wasn't easy, but each day we make new memories. Each day there is a constant reminder of our little girl, and that's ok. As we head into 2016 I am going to start to spread the sparkle more, and continue to cherish the little moments. Life is not easy, but we will do our best to sparkle on! 

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Saying Goodbye to 2015

As the year comes to an end we often look back on all the memories and moments that were made throughout the year. Every day I often have flashbacks to the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone, and it came in 2015.
It's devastating to me that I have to look back on memories of my baby girl who is no longer here. It's been over 9months, and I constantly am reminded by the horrible events that occurred that night on March 19th. 
As we say goodbye to 2015 I want people to always remember. I want people to know that Sydney was taken from us for no reason, and that is all we know. As we move into 2016 we will continue to sparkle and shine on. Unfortunately, the year might change but the tragic event is ever so clear. Sydney would want nothing more than for her sparkle to be spread, As Sydney's mom I will continue to preach the little life lessons I hold dear: "take pictures", "make memories", "cherish the moments", and "never give up". 
It's been such a tough year, but I'm bound to sparkle into 2016. I've come so far with many hopes and dreams for Sydney's legacy, and will continue to make her proud. 
From my little family to yours...Happy New Year! Let's all SPARKLE into 2016.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Sparkling through the flipagram

Goodbye 2015 see you never again!!! 2015 has to got to go down as the worst year ever. We tried so hard moving forward and did our best to make new memories, but it was so hard. We did it for our family, the sparkle, and for Logan.
For the past 2 years I have created a flipagram of the year in review. It was so nice to look back on all the pictures I took, and as you know there were a ton. 
Fast forward to this year's flipagram. Kind of how I felt with the calendar this year. Wanted to throwup a bunch of times, and it was heartbreaking to see those of Sydney up until the day she passed away. 
I think Syd was fooling around with me, because it took me 3 times to make the video and the first two times it would freeze every time I would add a picture of Syd. I was going to give up, but said out loud  "Syd let mommy do this" closed out of the program, and started again. It then worked. 
Over 200 photos ( should have been 400)  but I had to pick and chose, and the flipagram is done. All the memories will live on. 
We will ALWAYS remember, will Sparkle On, and will continue to Take a Picture, so we can capture those memories.  
Here's to needs to be better then 2015.

Monday, December 28, 2015

The 28th of the Month

Not only does the 19th of every month weigh heavy on my heart, but so does the 28th. I remember the day the twins were born-March 28, 2013. There was something about the 28th that had a good ring to it. I remember plugging in the 28th into my calendar so it would alert me every month. The first year I loved to see the date pop up, and then take their picture with there month on it. I would place them in their chair together, and hope that one wouldn't knock the other over. 
Almost three years later the 28th still pops up on my phone in combination with there month picture. I don't think it ever crossed my mind when I started to take pictures that I would be where I am today- one less twin, and for NO REASON! 
There's so many hard things through this grieving process that just don't make sense. I try to pretend that this never happened, and it's a bad dream, but it isn't. I'm reminded constantly of the heartache daily. It's a neverending heartache that doesn't go away. No matter what day it is I'm always haunted by the night she was taken away from us. It's not fair, nor easy at times to move forward each day.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Mama where's Bronco?

Conversation all day long yesterday
Logan: "Mama...where's Bronco? "Where's my Brotha"? 
Me: "He's laying down Logan."
Logan: "Mama I have a sista and brotha!" Me: "Whose your brotha Logan?"
Logan: It's "Bronco". 
Me: "Whose your sista Logan?" 
Logan: "It's Ne-Ne".
Recently Logan has been obsessed with Bronco. He wants to be with him constantly, and would rather play catch with Bronco then playing with his own toys. I've noticed lately that Logan has adapted well to playing by himself since Sydney has been gone. Logan talks about her constantly, but it's just not the same. I think Logan is more into Bronco lately, because he wants to play with someone else. It stings really bad knowing that he is now "the only child", and has to adapt to being by himself. I'm lucky that he has a good relationship with Bronco, and is keeping busy. I'll always keep Sydney's memories alive for Logan. No matter how much it hurts I will do it for Logan. I will keep their twin-bond going as long as I can. 
I truelly believe that Bronco knows that Logan needs a little more loving. He's such a good dog, and is becoming one of Logan's best buddies. 

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Much needed family time

I don't know when the last time we pretty much stayed in all afternoon and snuggled as a family. We played playdough, paw-patrol, the matching game, and finished it out with a movie night. The only thing that was missing was Syd. When I asked Logan which movie he wanted to watch he eagerly said, "Snow White". Then Snow White it was! We grabbed our popcorn and snuggled under the blanket. This movie time was for you Sydney! We sure did miss you, but you were right with us. As the hustle and bustle of the holiday season comes to an end I will try to do what matters most- spending time with my little family. Here's to a relaxing weekend where the only thing that matters is my little loves. We remembered you tonight Syd and always will!!!

Friday, December 25, 2015

We survived Christmas 2015

Let's be honest...I was bound to cry yesterday. It was Christmas without my little love. As Logan woke up, and was amazed by all the gifts Santa gave him I still was "ok". I knew Sydney didn't have anything under the tree, and I was somewhat ok with that. I knew she was with us, and we made Christmas as special as it could be this year. I didn't lose it until Krissy texted me and said, " don't do timehop". I should have listened, because I looked and got so upset. I was so mad, and so sick to my stomach all at once. I missed her, and wiped away my tears. The tears didn't stop either when we drove up to her area and I brought flowers to her site. Most people were giving their kids toys I was doing that for one, but not the other...makes me want to vomit. There is nothing else I can do to fix it.
Christmas Day wasn't easy either, because we were back at Krissy and Stephen's like last year. Was so hard to not have Sydney there, but the love that everyone has for Logan is pretty amazing. We are so lucky that we have such amazing friends that are family. 
I have to say I'm very proud of my little family; especially Shane and I. We survived one of the toughest holidays thus far. It was not easy, and I'm glad it's over. Thank you to everyone that made the holidays sparkle, and have been my rock through the last few weeks. Next stop New Years where we say goodbye and good riddens to 2015. Bring on 2016 you really need to be better. 

Christmas Eve...check

Christmas Eve has come and gone....phew we made it! I'd say it was a struggle yesterday. From the initial timehop preview of years past, to Sydneys empty stocking that hung by itself near her tree. 
I can honestly say that I felt ok. I talked about Sydney a lot, and always had a smile on my face doing it. There was no time to cry as I had to be pulled together for Logan. 
New traditions have been made, and memories were made, while we remembered. Logan had a great day at breakfast with Bay, playing with his besties, sprinkling reindeer food with Britt, and having dinner over at our neighbors. 
He's so in the Christmas spirit and can't wait to see what Santa brought him. It was tough last night knowing that Sydney didn't have anything under the tree as I laid out the presents. Sydney did leave something special for her brotha as I always will keep that tradition going. 
As Logan went to bed I kissed him good night, said "I love you", and then blew a kiss to the sky. 
We are ALWAYS thinking of you Sydney. Mama misses you baby girl, and hope more than anything that you sparkle and shine on always. Here's to Christmas Eve in the bring on Christmas

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Lolo visits mommys school

Christmas break has finally arrived! I'm not going to lie I was counting down the days weeks before. Personally I just needed a little break to recharge and rejuvenate myself. The first couple of months of 2016 will be a doozy and will need all the mental energy I can get.
Yesterday Logan spent the morning with me at school. This was the first time that Logan had come to visit. I always wanted to bring Sydney and Logan with me last year, but it never worked out. I was afraid many of the students would ask where my daughter was, but they didn't. They just asked if that was my son, and tried to give Logan a high-five. As we sang holiday songs I tried to look past the fact that Sydney wasn't "physically" there, as I clapped along with Logan. It truelly, and honestly stinks to not have her here. 
Life is changing day by day, and we are pushing through. It was so fun to have Logan come today. Thank you to all my friends at work who made Logan happy. Here's to a mini vacation where I can relax, spend time with friends that are family, sparkle, and then rejuvenate. Today was a good day. but very tiring emotionally. Only a few days till Christmas, and then we can check that holiday off our list too. 

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Holiday Sparkle and Shine

There's so much "sparkle", "shine", and "glitter" this holiday season that it's hard to not think of my baby girl! I'm not the only one that is thinking of her, so is everyone else this holiday season. I just want to thank everyone that has spread the sparkle in so many ways to us. It has so helped, and has made this holiday season a little brighter. Everyone's gestures, comments, gifts, texts, and calls has made such a tough season slightly better.
It's hard to bury myself in all my sorrows when I have a little boy who loves me so much. I'm making the best of the holiday's for him.  This holiday season we've "sparkled" and "shined". Logan has embraced the "holiday sparkle" and I'm so happy for that.
For the next couple of days until Christmas I will look for that sparkle a little harder, and continue to make our holiday sparkle. Sydney will never be forgotten. 

Monday, December 21, 2015

Surviving the Holiday Season

This holiday season feels like the longest ever. Most people say "it's the most wonderful time of the year," but unfortunately I beg to differ. I feel like I am completely in survival mode, which means I'm protecting my heart, going through the motions, and doing the best I can. The constant ache of my heart is enough to put me in a tizzy. It's because,
I keep it all in and try to push forward. Sometimes I just can't stand the pain, and have to just cry. It's pretty exhausting to have to cry all the time, and that's why I keep it in. Even the simplest thing can set me off and remind me of her. Lately I've been so sad wishing Syd was here to dress-up, run up and down the hallway, and dance around the house. It's just not right, and not fair. 
I'm in survival mode to the end of the year, and can't wait for the New Year. 
No matter how hard I try it's going to take time. I get by knowing that Syd didn't suffer. She's now with us everyday, and does all she can to sparkle on.
I believe what I have to so I can survive. Lately my heart is a mess, and I'm doing all I can to stay above water. It's sure not easy, and I have learned that is ok. 

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Syd's truck came to visit her mama

From past experience talking with mediums I know for sure that Sydney can see everything that is going on with us. I'm 100% sure that on Saturday she did not like the fact that I was having a mini panic attack in the car. I wish she was right in front of me and I could just hold her one last time. Each day I have these mini flashbacks that are horrible to say the least. I go all the way back to the night she passed away. I shake my head and try to get rid of the awful memory from the last few minutes we saw her- devastating! 
I know Sydney doesn't want me to focus on the negative, but instead the amazing sparkly legacy she left behind. Every day when Sydney's fire truck moves I know for sure she's with me. Sometimes it will go off when I'm chasing Logan around the house, or when I'm just having some quality time in the living room. To say the least she lets us know she's here with us. Yesterday was a little different. I was relaxing on the couch when the truck went off- back and forth, and around in circles it went. I picked up the truck and moved it closer to me. I knew she wanted to be with her mama. Apparently that wasn't good enough, because the truck moved around and around again. I thought maybe I'll just put it next to me, because that's what she wants. As soon as I put the truck on the couch it came closer and closer until it banged into me. I looked at the truck and said, "Sydney I know you want to be with mama" and then just laughed. I ended up putting it on the desk and continuing to do my work. 
That was Sydney's way of saying she was with me today. She wanted to be with her mama, because she knows I have been having a hard time lately.
Thanks for coming by to visit today, and always Syd. Mama needed a visit from you, as I sparkle and shine on!

Saturday, December 19, 2015

It was not an easy day

Not everyday is easy, and I try so hard to limit myself from feeling emotionally awful, but it's inevitable at times to control it. 9 months was yesterday, and Sydney was on my mind throughout the whole day. I knew from the beginning of the day that it was not going to be a good day emotionally. I had to brush away my tears several times today. Everyone that I saw yesterday asked either about Sydney or referenced her in some way. This usually doesn't bother me, but yesterday I got flashbacks, and just missed her so much.  There was one thing missing yesterday, and that was my emotional piece. I was overtired, so that didn't help, and I think it was just time for me to let my feelings go. At times I just need to let myself cry, and not hold it all inside. 
I can honestly say I push myself at times. I do things for Logan, and sometimes the memories that I have from Sydney really affect me. I could pinpoint what really sent me over the edge yesterday- "dancing penguins" at the Christmas Store that made me really sad. All I could think about was last year when Sydney was there, had her multi-colored red and green pants on, her red bow, and reindeer shirt, and was dancing with them.
After we left the store I tried to hold it in. I went by myself to do a few errands, and just wanted to be alone. As I got back in the car I just started to cry, and when I mean cry I mean almost having a full blown panick attack. The feeling you get when you are so emotionally drained is just overwhelming. It's almost painful. I try to explain sometimes how it feels to have a weight on your heart everyday, but it's really difficult. 
I felt so much better after I let out a good cry; however, my body was paying the toll. Holding it in for so long is not good and can really effect me. I have a constant pain that will never go away.  It's a pain that will be with me forever. 9 months later, and the pain is still there. It hurts, and I do all I can to breathe and push forward.

Still SPARKLING 9months later

275 days...23,760,000 seconds later and I sit here writing the blog wondering why, and asking myself each day...are you serious this happened? 9 months later and the pain sits deep within my heart. 
I've grown so much within the last 9 months. I've learned to manage my emotions, preach about the sparkle,and instill life lessons on others that I meet. As I've learned time is fragile, and at any moment your whole life can be turned around.
As we head into Christmas next week and say goodbye to 2015 I begin to prepare myself of all the highs and lows that will come with it. Yesterday I represented Sydney at an ugly sweater party, and didn't show off an ugly sweater, but instead went with a sparkle sweater. "I don't do ugly...I sparkle." It was nice to let loose while remembering always. We will always remember, and will continue to sparkle wherever we go. Each day the seconds go by but the pain is still there. It will never go away...9 months later it never goes away. We miss you baby girl, and are doing all we can to keep your sparkle alive! Mama loves you Syd.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Happy Holidays from Disney

Last week by accident Sydney's first baby ornament was knocked over and cracked. In the itinal moment I became very upset, because I didn't know how I would replace it. This was a personalized Minnie ornament from Disney. I called Disney hoping they would fix it. They took down my info and details and said it would be here hopefully by Christmas. I explained my situation, and she asked about Logan. I told her we would be coming to Disney in February, so we could pick out others, but Sydney was very important. 
Yesterday I got a package in the mail from Disney. The ornament was here; perfect as ever, and also a few other boxes. What was in the boxes? I didn't order anything else. 
I opened a box and out came a stuffed Olaf, another box had a Lightning McQueen ornament with Logan's name on it, and then the last box had a Minnie angel with Sydney's name on it.
Accompanying the gifts was a nice letter from one of "Santas Elves." This was so amazing that Disney had done this. Everything they sent me was just perfect. It made me so happy. 
This season people have done so much that I'm overjoyed with emotions. I can't wait to go to Disney in two months, and experience the magic. 
Thank you Disney for being so magical, and keeping the sparkle alive. It was just perfect.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Team Holiday Sparklers

As you all know, these last few weeks have been tough going through the motions of the holiday season. I miss her very much and would give anything to have her back. Everyone has been so generous lately with remembering, sharing, and bringing the sparkle to the holiday season. 
Last night I have to admit that I got the biggest surprise that definitely put a smile on my face. Leanne sent me a message that she was coming over, and I never thought anything of it. I got a text saying, "what happened to Minnie"? I looked outside, and Minnie was fine. "What are you talking about and where are you?" I asked? 
As soon as I stepped away from the curtain I glanced back to pink, sparkles, girls in tutus, and singing ladies marching down the street. "Team Holiday Sparkles" I called them were at my front door. I ran outside with Logan, and was beyond in shock. They were all caroling in tutus, and were filled with holiday cheer. It's often hard to get in the holiday spirit this year, but this sure did the trick. 
I am beyond grateful that I have so many friends, and friends that are family that took the time to do this last night. 
I know I've already said thank you to these girls, but I want them to know that they made me smile, and we had so much fun. Last night as I danced with Logan I knew Sydney was there with us. Sparkles, tutus, and pink...Sydney was definitely there.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Looking back at pictures

People ask me how I put up pictures of Sydney all the time. Some people say, "I don't know how you do it, because I definitely couldn't". I sometimes feel like saying, "never say never." What I mean by this is that at times it's unbearable to look at pictures of her, but your mind tells you to just post, never forget, and share that sparkle. There are times when I look at a picture and just want to "barf". I can only look at pictures that Sydney was in for a little bit, and then move on. If I sit there and scroll all the way through the 5000 or so I have I wouldn't make it. I'd be a sobbing mess, and probably would have a mini panic attack. I'm not going to lie I've tried it before, and it didn't end well. It ended with a phone call to a bestie hyperventilating, because I miss her so much.
I never want to forget my baby girl, and will continue to do all I can to show, post, and remember. The sad part is that over the next few months the pictures will need to start over again. After March 18th there will be no more "recent" pictures. All I can do is start over and keep the memories alive, and remembered.
From one grieving mother to another: never be afraid to share, remember, and have mixed emotions. The memories are not easy to see at times, but we do all we can to keep the love ones we lost alive.
At times you want to be sick, because your pain in your heart is so deep. All you can do is take one step forward, keep being strong, and always REMEMBER! It's so hard, but all you can do is try!!!