Thursday, September 29, 2016

This is our story

It's not often that I get to sit down to watch TV. I'll be honest I'm in bed by 8:30 every night, and my TV selection everyday consists of Disney Junior and Nick Junior. Yesterday I actually found myself having a few minutes of alone time. Both boys were resting, and it was quiet time for this mama. Maddox was resting on his boppy, and the Ne-Ne truck was moving all over. The red truck was in full effect. It's actually been moving crazy lately since Maddox arrived. 
I chose to watch the show "This is us", because everyone's been talking about it. I found myself bawling through the first episode. I'm sorry for the spoiler alert, but one of the families ended up loosing a baby at birth. I know the situation isn't the same since we lost Sydney before her second birthday, but the relevance of loosing a child is the same. As the tears rolled down my face all I could think about was Sydney. I looked at the truck,  and away she moved; back and forth around the room. 
Just like the TV show we all have our own lives. Everyone's life is different. Some people go through life events that will change them forever. This is our life daily. We take a step forward each day, because we have to. We have no choice, but to do our best for Logan and Maddox. I'm not sure why life chose this path for us, and may never know. We do all we can to survive, and put a smile on our face. We try to move past the tradgedy that occurred daily. Although our heart aches daily, Maddox's arrival has made all of our hearts feel a little better. We are doing the best we can one day at a time. This is the path we were chosen, and this is our story. 

Friday, September 16, 2016

We are home

Dinosaur outfit check, car seat check, loving family check, and little Maddox check! We were ready to go home. I decided to go home a day early from the hospital, because I wanted to just be home with Logan and start this new baby process. The last few days have been such a high emotionally. I was so lucky to have such an amazing support system inside, and outside of the hospital. The nursing staff was fantastic at the hospital and they did there best to put my nerves at ease. I talked a lot about Sydney the last few days. It was my therapy that I need to help me get by. I knew she was there with us. I mean the sink did go off by itself atleast 3 times a day, and you know I'm always a believer. I look at Maddox and think how lucky I am to see such a resemblance between him, Logan, and Sydney. 
As we walked into our house with a new bundle of joy; my heart was happy. I walked past the red truck that spun around at the gate, and knew that Sydney was here with us. Logan was a big help yesterday, and we survived our first night. One night down, and a lifetime to go. It's not going to be easy, but I'll do my best to take this journey a day at a time. Welcome home baby Maddox!

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

My heart is just happy

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when Maddox arrived, but truthfully the last two days have been more than I can explain. My heart is just full of happiness, and at this time my fears are put on hold. Maddox is two days old, and has already left a mark that is so special to explain. He's got such a sweet temperament, and looks just like his big brother. I see some similarities of Sydney as she looked liked Logan. I know that she's with him, which puts my heart at ease.
I've also have witnessed the most special bond that will countinue forever for Logan and Maddox. The excitement that Logan has to see his little brother is truelly touching. From talking about his little brother at preschool, to feeding him his bottle yesterday; it's really been a special sight. 
I understand that there will be some rough patches in this journey; however, at this moment I'm going to take the joy that I feel and run with it. Thank you baby Maddox for helping my heart feel so happy. You, your big brother, and your sister light up my world already. 

Sunday, September 11, 2016

A new chapter begins

I remember saying to a few of my close friends after Sydney passed away that I really wanted to have another baby, and give Logan a sibling again. Once we found out we were pregnant I was filled with so many emotions. No one was going to tell me how to handle all the emotions that I was going to endure throughout the pregnancy. There were highs and there were lows. Fast forward to today when we meet baby Maddox. The day has arrived, and to be honest living in denial has come to an end. When I say, "denial" it means that I have masked some of the feelings that have hit me so hard lately. The last few days have been filled with laughter, tears, excitement, anxiety, and the unknown. I'm sure all these feelings are normal especially for a grieving mother. Today our life will change again, and I hope more than anything that I can look past the nerves, embrace the beautiful baby that we're bringing into this world, and take one day at a time. This is a new chapter in our journey. Like everyday we will do our best with ups and downs. Thanks for all the well wishes everyone. It's time to meet baby Maddox!!!

Friday, September 9, 2016

First day of preschool

The first day of preschool arrived yesterday, and the emotions ran high for this mama! My baby boy was ready to experience the education world. I knew that Logan was ready to start preschool, but was I really? So many new things have been happening lately that I can hardly wrap my head around them. From a new baby coming on Monday, to Logan starting preschool, and this mama keeping the sparkle alive, it's definitely a lot. It doesn't help that the hormones are in complete overload as I've been thinking about Sydney constantly lately, and wondering what she is thinking about all this change? When Logan woke up at 6:30am yesterday, the first thing he asked was, "when can we leave for preschool momma?" I couldn't help but feel some ease as I smiled and said, "soon don't worry." Logan was so "happy", and was so "excited" to pose for a picture, wear his new Paw Patrol backpack, carry his matching lunchbox , and meet his friends. I did stop and think for a moment how life would have been if Sydney was with him. He's done so well adjusting without her, remembering her, and now becoming a big brother. 
Before we made our way to preschool there was one stop that we needed to make. We had to go to "Sydney's Bench". This was very special for us, as it reminded us that we will never forget her, and that she will always be with him as he travels through school. Logans smile, his energy, and personality lights up my world everyday. He's got a part of Sydney with him, and that comforts my grieving heart.  As we approached the gate to preschool I let go of his hand, gave him a kiss, and watched him walk up those stairs. He was so independent, and ready to embark on a new journey. I couldn't be more proud of the little boy that Logan is becoming. I'm proud of Shane and I for never giving up, and raising such a sweet boy despite all that's happened. Logan had an amazing first day, and my nerves were put at ease. Welcome to preschool Logan mommy and daddy hope you have a great year!!!

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Hello September

Hello September!!! It's time to say goodbye to the summer, and welcome the Fall. Things will be changing in about 10 days as our new little one arrives. The days leading up to Maddox's arrival haven't been easy, and from speaking with people that have had a child after a loss; its normal to have these feelings. I was never a mother who worried a lot, and now I find myself freaking out about the "unknown". Can't fix something that you don't know. That's the most painful thing. I'm not sure what answer I'm looking for, but my emotions are all over the place. I have LoLo starting preschool next week, and a new baby coming. I'm finding it harder and harder to let go of the "fear" and focus on the blessing that will fill our family with joy. It's not going to be easy, and I'm sure I won't sleep forever, but expressing my emotions often helps. This will be a September to remember as we take one day at a time,  focus on new beginnings, and always remember.