Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Let that Sparkler Shine

Capturing a moment is very important to me. I always have my camera ready to capture a moment that you can cherish forever. As I've learned recently; time is to precious and in an instant your life can change dramatically. For us it sure did- when Sydney passed away 3 months ago.
I look back constantly on how happy we were as a family of four, cherish the pictures that I took, laugh and cry at the videos, and wish more than anything to have her back again. 
As life moves forward we focus on the good, remember all the amazing times we shared, and try to put the bad moments away. Life is too short to not capture a moment that can make you smile forever.
Last night was a big moment for us. It was time to capture a new memory. Last time we did a family photo Sydney and Logan were 18months and we were gearing up for holiday photos. Jill Tracy of Maggie Jill Photography is a long time friend since Elementary School. I remember her taking the photos in October and thinking of how chaotic they must have been; yet, not focusing on the moment, and the time we shared together during that photo session. Those photos that Jill took hold such a special place in my heart- they captured the twin bond, the love of our family, and Sydney and Logans personality perfect.
Fast forward to last night when Jill was going to work her magic again, but this time without our baby girl physically here.
This was a hard one, but I wanted to take a new photo of us remembering the sparkle, but also creating a new memory as we move forward. For about an hour and half the world stopped, and we just focused on capturing the best moments we could. There was even a little black puppy that came running over to us a few times that of course had a "pink collar" on- "Hi Syd".
Although Sydney wasn't here with us I know she was shining down, and of course sparkling. I hope she was watching us last night, as I ran up and down the beach to catch her twin brotha- which he thought was very funny. 
I can't thank Maggie Jill Photography enough for letting us create and capture another memory. Pictures are very important to us, and last night we were given the chance to hold that sparkle, shine, and of course capture a memory as we take one day at at a time. 

Monday, June 29, 2015

This is real life, real feelings, and real pain

Sometimes it's hard for me to actually explain the feelings of a broken heart. The pain comes on so quickly and pounds on your chest, until you stop what your doing, take a deep breath, and breathe out the negative emotions.
Lately the pain is imaginable. It comes on so quickly, and I often get blown away with the pain that has occurred. 
I often talk about being strong...and there is no other option than that; however, lately the pain is so bad that I often feel like being strong is harder and harder.
It's the little moments when I look at a picture of her, speak her name, look at Logan and see her, or relieve a moment that she was part of.
I want everyone to know how amazing she was, and I do my very best at that. I have so many videos, and pictures to relive the memories of our precious baby girl. How could this have happened? This isn't real life...and tomorrow I'll wake up and you'll be here again saying, "mamma mama" or dancing around with your piggies while you listened to your favorite song.
This is real life, real emotions, and real pain. No one should ever have to go through this. I write my blog, because it gives others a glimpse into "my reality". Although others often don't know how your feelings; this is a way to let them in. It's a snapshot of what a broken heart feels like. 
I try to think about when the "pain" will subside, but know it never will. The pain of losing Sydney will always be there, but will just get easier over time to deal with. Today and every day I think of you Sydney, and know you give me the strength to carry on, because I have too. Life isn't fair, but as I've learned you take one day at a time. Spreading your sparkle is the only thing I can do that makes the heartache rest, and I will continue to do this each and everyday as the heartache goes on.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Going from happy to sad in one day

2 years ago today!!!

Grief is like a walking time bomb. At any moment something can hit you and take you to a new emotional level. You can start your day so happy, and then anything can trigger you to let it out and just cry.
Yesterday was a great day as we sat around, laughed, and ate good food with friends and family. It's these moments that heal the heart; however under that heart is the pain that is bursting at the seams to come out. At any moment something can just trigger you to let it out. I've learned to talk about Sydney in ways that is healthy for me. Being Sydneys mom I am so proud of the little girl that I raised and eager to spread her legacy to others. 
As the day goes on and memories are made I can't help but pause at times. Yes I am smiling and laughing on the outside, but truthfully my heart is aching as I wish Sydney could be here too.
Last night when everyone left and Logan went to bed the pain inside mine and Shanes heart began to explode. I'm not ashamed to admit that sometimes it just hits you. Sometimes something you've seen, or heard can set your heart off.
We sat there together and let our hearts grieve together. Nothing can fix the broken heart...nothing...and it's just not fair. Why were we given a perfect family, and then in a flash it's taken all away. It's hard to compare the pain to other situations, as people sometimes dont understand the pain your going through. You often hide the pain, put on a smile, and walk through life; as you must go on. Today is a new day; however, my heart still hurts and always will. Last night was tough, and unfair to say the least. All we can do is let the broken heart heal, and take one day at a time; knowing that at any moment something can remind you of Sydney and set your heart off. 

Saturday, June 27, 2015

One flower at a time

As July is approaching I couldn't be happier with the amount of work and the outcomes of Sydneys Garden. I do not have a green thumb, but have found some therapy in planting any flower, or adding anything that reminds me of my baby girl. 
As Sydneys garden continues to grow I'd like thank those who have added to make each part of it so special. From the beautiful sign, statues, and flowers it has all come together. 
I've learned that a garden is never complete, and that it takes time to have the garden evolve over time. 
Recently I had found a pink chair with Sydneys name on it. This chair is just the perfect touch, and holds a special place in the garden for her and Logan.
When Logan is outside he often wants to sit in her chair, relax, and read. This makes me so happy. As I watch the birds and butterflies circle around the garden it makes me feel at ease. 
I miss her so much, but know this beautiful place is for her. This beautiful place will continue to grow every year as her sparkle lives on. One flower at a time, one memory at a time for a special little girl.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Where did Ne-Ne go?

I often find myself talking about the twin bond a lot as I've made a promise that I will not let Logan forget about his twin sister Ne-Ne. 
Logan is definitely young but I believe he totally gets the fact that something has changed, and that his best friend isn't here anymore. I've tried my hardest since Sydney has been gone to keep Logan as active as possible, and to be around other kids so he doesn't feel alone. 
Although Logan is only 2 his personality and vocabulary has started to explode. I've often said that Sydney is in Logan. What does that mean? It means that Sydneys personality has rubbed off on him. He is so funny, outgoing, determined, and has many features that Sydney had.
The one thing that I find to be the hardest is that Logan will get older, and he's probably going to ask more about "where Sydney is"?
Yesterday was the first time in awhile that it actually hit me about the twin bond, and how id have to explain sooner than later about "where Sydney went"
Right now we have told Logan that she's up in the sky, and he always looks up to the sky, and blows her a kiss. Shane and I felt that was the best thing to tell him, as the day after Sydney passed away we had to think quick, because Logan came home and said, "where did Ne-Ne go"?
On the way home yesterday Logan and I drove by the cementary to see Sydney. Most of the time he doesn't want to open his window; however, sometimes he does as he will blow a kiss up to the sky . It was a little different yesterday. As we pulled up Logan said, " where Ne-Ne mama...where's Ne-Ne". I paused for a second and said, "remember buddy she's in the sky". Logan then started to cry, and said, "No mama I play with Ne-Ne...I play with Ne-Ne".
As the tears ran down his chunky little cheeks the pain in my heart was so painful. I told Logan it would be alright, and to give a kiss, as I handed him a Minnie Mouse doll that seemed to comfort him.
This hit me hard very hard. As Logan is going to get older he's going to ask more questions. It's so hard to even think about what else I could say. All I know is that I will continue to talk about Sydney, and the sparkle that lives on. I want Logan to remember everything about his sister, and how special she was. 
I'm sure as the months and years go on Logan will have more questions. By then I will get stronger myself, and will help Logan understand. For now I will keep up with what I'm doing, spread the sparkle, and make Logan as happy as can be. All I know is that Sydney is definitely watching over her brother and will do everything she can to make him be alright. 

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Believing in the Sparkle

Yesterday was another big day for Sydneys Legacy as her website, and Facebook page went live. 
The outpouring of positive feedback and support that I received was overwhelming to say the least. It was a good feeling-the feeling of being Proud that it was working to spread her sparkle. 
I find myself talking about being in reality at times, as I often step back and say, "is this really happening...Sydney is not coming back?" Although reality can be oh so painful I know that I need to take one step forward each day in the right direction. I am here to help others, here to be the best mom I can be for Logan, a great wife to Shane, and friend to others who need me.
Last night as I sat in a room with people who care so much about Sydney it was obvious that there are many people who believe in spreading her sparkle, and believe in me. Believing in myself is one thing, but when you have the support from friends, and family it helps me move forward. 
Thank you everyone who believes in the sparkle, who continues to support me each day whether it's big or small, and those that are there my side each day to tell me that I'll be ok. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

SydneyCraven.Com--sparkle on

I will always remember that moment on March 19th when the doctor turned to me and Shane and said, "I'm sorry Mr and Mrs, Craven she didn't make it.
This was the start of an emotional roller coaster that had highs and lows. Our baby girl was gone...our perfect little spunky girl was gone in just a flash. Life had changed as we knew it that night.
The day after Sydney had passed I had promised myself and Sydney that I was going to share her story with everyone I would meet. I wanted to promote that sparkle, and let everyone know how AMAZING our little girl was. She was taken way to early, but was destined to do great things. It's our job to keep Sydneys legacy alive and spread that sparkle.
I never imagined that I would be in this place right now, but believe it's my mission to continue this legacy for a sweet, spunky, beautiful little girl.
First came the logo for Sydney Craven Memorial Fund and now we are proud to announce that:
SydneyCraven.Com and Sydney Craven Memorial Fund on Facebook is up and ready to be seen. 
The website is just perfect- it captures Sydneys personality just right. On this website you get to know Sydney, our story, see what events are happening, learn about her legacy, the fund, see pictures, videos, and of course a direct link to my blog ( the best thing that I ever started to write)
As Sydney Craven Memorial Fund is in the beginning stages we are working together to create a mission, and strong legacy for our baby girl. The money that we will raise will spread that sparkle throughout the years, and will help others. 
Sydney never gave up and neither will her mommy. I want Sydney to be proud of her mommy and daddy as we work on keeping that sparkle alive. Whether it's a Sydney Bow, Tutu, Shirt, or anything else that reminds us of Sydney we will make it happen. 
Sydney was to special to be forgotten and even though she is not her with is I know her legacy and Sydney Craven Memorial Fund will live on.

Special thanks to Carolyn( who has done all the graphics) and Gail- the best web designer. Thank you both for making it just perfect, and believing in the sparkle.

Here's to spreading that sparkle everywhere she goes! We love you Sydney 

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

A day at the beach

Yesterday was the start of "summer to remember 2015" Logan will be out of daycare full-time and will be home with me this summer doing lots of things that create new memories. 
I've actually been really scared about this, because I'm a little worried of how I'll feel at times doing stuff with Logan, while still thinking of Sydney.
I really want this summer to be the best, so it keeps my mind busy, but also keeping the sparkle alive and strong.
I know with the help of family, and friends it will be great.
Yesterday we went down to the Cape for the day with my neighbors who rented a house on the beach. This was Logans 2nd time on the beach. I was a little nervous to see how he would be, but he LOVED IT.
Logan loved running in and out of the water, digging his toes in the sand, and chasing his new friend "Mr. Seagull".
Logans laugh was contagious as the waves crashed up against him. People smiled, and would come up to him and say, "boy your having fun".
There was one moment where I paused for a moment, and thought of Sydney as I picked up the shiniest shell I could find . I missed Syd...I wish she was here. Although she wasn't here I knew the sun was shining, and she was watching over us, as I chased Logan around the beach in circles. For all I know she was probably belly laughing herself- at her mama.
Making new memories is definitely hard especially when you want nothing more than to have Syd back enjoying them with you. This summer will be hard, and I know that is ok. As each day goes by we always remember, and look for that sparkle, as a new memory is made one day at a time.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Fathers Day 2015

As another holiday approached us I knew that it wasn't going to be easy; next up Fathers Day! This time it was my job to try to make the best of a day that was going to be extra hard for Shane and myself.
Of course the forecast didn't help that there was going to be downpours all day, and we all know how the rain can make you feel down already, so that was a strike against the day before it even started.
There's something about Fathers Day that I found to be extra hard yesterday. The fact that Shane was going to be extra upset yesterday put a knife through my heart. We started the day by Logan giving his presents to daddy, and then made our way to breakfast. After we  went to breakfast we went by to see Sydney and that was pretty much the turning point of the day.
To see your husband, life partner, and best friend stand outside your child's grave is something you never ever should have to see. It's just not fair. Shane is one of the nicest people there is, and to see the pain that he was feeling as the rain poured down on him was awful.
I did all I could to comfort him as I had to comfort myself. All I could say was, " I think we're going to be ok" like he said to me a few weeks back.
We took Logan to see his first movie later in the day; "Inside Out" which was a movie about your emotions- pretty ironic. The movie talked about making special memories in your life. I always try to find a connection, and there it was. Remember the memories, and remember all the good times we had.
As the day ended the sun came out, we grabbed icecream, and then came home to plant a flower in Shanes new Fathers Day pot. 
To be honest as the day ended I felt worse. I thought I'd feel better since it was a great day, but all my emotions came out. I was angry, sad, and mad that Sydney wasn't  here. I was so mad that Shane had to feel this way today and forever. Why...why is the question that always circles through my mind? Why us...why Sydney?
And as the tears began to flow, I laid in bed and asked Shane if he had a good Fathers Day. He said, "Yes"! Another holiday done, and another day without Sydney. Fathers Day just like Mothers Day will be hard every year, but I'm sure overtime it get easier. We did the best we could yesterday, as we tried to make new memories, while focusing on the old ones that made us cry, and laugh at the same time. I know it was a rough day Shane but I hope Logan and I tried to make you smile, and you had a good day.

     Sydney will always be your little girl 

Sunday, June 21, 2015

The Pink Wristband for Syd

Yesterday was the Department Of Corrections basketball tournament. Shane and a bunch of guys from his work created a team again this year to play. Shane is very lucky that he works with such amazing guys. They have always been great, but since Sydneys passing they have all gone above and beyond to help, or do whatever is needed for Shane and us. 
I knew it was going to be a little tough yesterday, because last year when we went to the tournament I brought both of them. A year later and now I only have one. I knew Logan was going to enjoy, but it was going to be different.
When we got there we were greated by all Shanes coworkers who proudly wore "hotpink" wristbands with the initials "SGC". Some guys even had pink sneakers or pink laces to match. Shane wore his pink wrist band, and pink sneakers in honor of his baby girl.
All the guys worked so hard yesterday, and even though they didn't win they never gave up. When Shane got the ball a few times you would here the guys say, "do it for Logan" as his favorite fan sat on the sidelines cheering for his daddy.
Logan had a blast and was even given his own wristband, which he wore on his hand for a second then his leg. He was trying to sport a new trend.
Yesterday was a nice start to another tough weekend as today is Fathers Day. Another milestone that is very difficult to deal with; however, seeing the smile Logan has for his daddy, and how proud he is of him is priceless. 
Even though Sydney wasn't there in person yesterday she will always be remembered. Thank you to Shanes friends and coworkers who wore the pink bands, and occassionally would say, "I'm sparkling...not sweating." 
That made for a great day as the sparkle lives on.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Share a coke Share a memory

They say when you least expect it something will happen. A few weeks ago I talked about how all I wanted was to find a coke with everyone's name on it. I had found Logans, and then that special moment from Syd when I found hers and my name behind it. The last name I needed was Shane. To be honest I kind of gave up and believed that I would find it when I least expected it. 
Yesterday I was talking about Sydney to someone as I walked into Target. There in front was the row of cokes. I said to myself they won't have Shane, and then as I turned the last bottle around there was "Shane".
It's called a Sydney moment when I believe she helped me find something. Finding the coke and lining up all the names was important to me, but what's most important is to remember that we will always be a family. As the years go on we will remember the family time that we had, we will remember the twin bond, and all the times we shared prior to Sydney passing. I want nothing more than to keep these memories alive for Logan and us as the years go on. We will always remember Sydney everyday, and continue to promote her sparkle. Sometimes it's hard to see us as a family of 3 but we know that the sparkle always shines to make us a family of 4. 
Today I think of the times we all smiled together, laughed, and tried to get everyone to look at the camera to take a picture. Thanks to coke for making me realize the importance of family, and all the memories we have, and continue to make overtime.

Friday, June 19, 2015

3months later and the sparkle lives on

The night of March 19th the world stopped for us, and my heart has never been the same since Sydney passed away. If anyone asked me where I would be 3months from now I never would have  envisioned the sparkle and the legacy of our baby girl that is evolving over time.
Yesterday we had the bench ceremony in Sydneys honor. My parents and I wanted to chose a place for the bench that would be a perfect spot- we were so grateful that the Central School allowed us to put it there. It's just in a perfect spot, as all the kids and families can see as they walk by.
As we drove over to the dedication I kept on saying to Shane how nervous I was. I couldn't understand why- maybe because this was my first thing to really symbolizes her legacy that is beginning. 
As we arrived and pulled up to the bench there were friends, family, and others from the town and school department. How special this was I couldn't explain. The school also had all the kids paint a rock that covered the outside of the bench. This was just a perfect touch to the bench area.
I wasn't sure how Logan would have been but the first thing he did was picked up a rock and put it on the bench. I smiled, as I could tell within seconds every beautiful rock would have soon been on top of the bench verses next to it.
As the principal talked for a moment I stopped, looked around, and then smiled at Sydneys area across the street. I was taking it all in. All the love, support, and kindness that has been outpoured to us over the last 3 months is amazing and just heartfelt. 
I was given the opportunity to talk for a minute, and once again had nothing prepared: just came from the heart- the best place.
Pictures were taken yesterday and new memories were created. As I said yesterday I would rather have her here with us; however, starting her legacy and making her proud is what she would want. 3 months have passed, which feels like 6. We take one day at a time, and make new memories each day. Sydney I knew you were there yesterday, because the sun was shining. I hope your proud of mommy and daddy as we really work hard to build on your sparkle one day at a time. 

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Let her sparkle shine on

As a proud mom of twins I feel like I'm always talking about Sydney and Logan all the time. With Sydney being gone I feel like this has increased a lot since I'm always so proud to share about what Sydneys personality was, how funny Logan is becoming, and about that special twin-bond that lives on always and forever.
Sydney and Logan were best friends, and they both had slightly different personalities that were evolving over time. Logan was more of the serious, curious, but "silent" funny one: he was Shane he would do what he had to do, and make people laugh when needed, and was just a good happy kid. Then there was Sydney: proud to say she was my mini-me; loud, outgoing, funny, and mommys little diva.
There was something about Sydney and Logans twin bond that was so special to watch, they absolutely loved each other, and would complete each other. One wouldn't do something without the other one first. 
Most of the time as I tried to capture a picture of them they would cooperate; however there was that occasional time when their personalities really started to shine, as I tried to do anything to keep there attention.
Although Sydney is not here I want people to still remember both her and Logans personality. Since Syd has passed I have to admit that Logan has 90% of Sydneys personality in him. He is something; with his laugh, outgoing personality, fierce, and creative side. I love that Sydneys personality is evolving in Logan. 
Today I found a picture that really shows their personalities; while highlighting the twin bond. It made me laugh out loud, because "little Miss Sydneys" personality really shines. 
Her personality will sure shine on within her brother, and live on forever.

Sparkle on Sydney Sparkle on!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Running for Sydney

The last few days have not been the easiest for me, as the grieving process has come over me. I can honestly say that my heart hurts more and more as time goes on, but I'm sure over time it will subside. 
I'm always trying to find new things to release the negative energy that I have inside. I'm a big fan of spinning now at the gym, and recently have decided to try to get into running. I definitely am not going to run a half marathon anytime soon, but there's something about running a few miles with some upbeat music that gets my mind to release the toxins.
Yesterday I decided to go for a run in the morning. I put my pink sneakers on, got my iTunes ready, and was going to sparkle. One of the playlist I had made is called "syds mix" there are only a few songs on it, but they are recent songs that make me think of Sydney: most of them are played at spinning each week so it helps me push myself.
As I left my driveway I said to myself I'm going to do this. I'm going to run for Sydney- a few miles for Syd.
As I hit the 1.5 mile mark I said I'm not going to give up...I had to push myself for Syd, and she wouldn't let me quit. As I hit 2.5 miles my legs began to feel like jello, but I turned the corner of my house, and saw Sydneys garden. I blew a kiss to the sky, put on a great song ( Flo-Rida- How I feel) and I continued on my way. As tough as it was I kept my legs going and didn't want to give up. I was going to run 3 miles a goal that I had set for myself. I let my mind go to the music, and concentrated on the goal- miles for Syd. I turned back down the street and finished my run. I had hit 3 miles. This is something I havent done for many years. 
I was so proud of myself for not giving up, and know that Sydney was watching over me, as I took every step for her.
Things are not easy lately, and I'm sure they won't be for awhile, but yesterday's goal was something that I was happy I accomplished.
 Running and spinning is great for my mind, and heart. When my legs say I can't do it anymore I know I'm running with my heart, and for Sydney every mile I go. 

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Sydney Sparkles at Daycare

I remember trying to find the right home daycare for Logan and Sydney, because I was going back to work full time after being home with them up until they were 18months. I only interviewed a few homedaycares, and then found Emily. If you ask Emily I was very thorough with my questions, and practically had a heart attack before I was even sending the kids there.
The fact that someone else was going to be watching my babies was difficult for me, as I wasn't going to be with them all the time. I knew right away that Emily was the one. I remember Sydney and Logan gravitating towards her, and the feeling Shane and I got when we talked with her. 
For the first 2 months Sydney and Logan were her only kids at daycare. I still called 2-3 times a day to check on them, and I still got the same response: Heather they are fine...they love it! This was Sydney and Logans second home, and they loved Ms. Emie. Sydney used to twirl around downstairs and dance to Elmo, color and paint,or jump around on this bouncy zebra downstairs. She just loved it at daycare. 
I loved when I had to pick them up as I would come down the stairs, and I heard "mama mama" from both Logan and Sydney.
The day Sydney passed away her and Logan went to daycare as a full day. I remember like it was yesterday: asking Emily if they were alright. Her response: they had a great day as always.
Who knew the next day I would only be sending one kid to daycare, and would be calling Emily with the worst news ever.
It's been really hard at times bringing Logan to daycare by himself, but he loves his friends- Emily now has a lot more kids. I walk in the daycare at times and pause thinking of Sydney as I look at the Zebra that still sits in the front of the floor.
Yesterday was a little different when I walked into daycare: Emily had said, " it's ready the thing we all made for Sydney is ready". I knew the kids were making something , but wasn't sure what.
I walked down the stairs, and saw a great big poster. With hand prints, stickers, and art. It took my breath away, melted my heart, and made me think of my baby girl so much- who I miss so much.
Yes Sydney is not here, and I wish she was; however, one things for sure is that she is at daycare. Sydney loved daycare , and loved Ms. Emily. As hard as it is I know Sydney is watching over all her friends, and brother at daycare. This was a beautiful tribute to such a creative, spunky girl. Thanks again Emily it's just perfect.

Monday, June 15, 2015

A picture filled with emotions

As many people know already I'm really into taking a picture and making a memory that will last a lifetime. One of the hardest things I've had to grasp lately is the reality that some of the pictures I've taken in the past with Sydney will come back again, but this time she won't be part of it. Some of these moments break my heart as yesterday's did.
Last year Shane and I took the twins to see Shanes fathers grave; his father passed away when he was younger, and we both wanted to make sure the twins new about their grandfather even though he wasn't here. I remember the day very well; it actually was Fathers Day. Both Sydney and Logan wernt scared as they both sat near the stone, and played with the turtle on top, as I snapped a photo to create that memory. 
As I snapped that photo I never in my wildest dreams would have thought a year from now Shane would be visiting his dads grave again, but without our baby girl this time, and to make things even harder the fact that her brother, mommy, and daddy have to visit her grave area.
A special moment that was made last year had to turn into a bitter sweet moment as Shane took Logan yesterday back to where they were a year ago. Shane spent some daddy-son time, as they visited his father and grandfather to Logan.
I asked Shane to take a picture even though I wasn't there. Shane sent me a few pictures, and I asked him how he got in some of them. He said there was a nice man who offered to take a few pictures, talked to him about his dad, and how cute Logan was. 
I thank that man for being there to take that picture of a moment that was filled with mixed emotions. The smile I got to see Logan and his daddy spending a special moment together, but then that moment of reality that our baby girl wasnt there. 
I know most people have mixed emotions of bringing kids to cemeteries, but for us we want to make it part of Lgoans life. We don't want him to be scared, and want him to visit his sister often. We want him to point across the street and say that's my sister from his school, or even riding by continuing to say: Ne-Ne.
Often it is hard to look back on a memory that was created by taking a picture, but that memory was taken for a reason. I'm glad I can look back on these hard memories and smile and cry at the same time. Even though Syd wasn't there in that picture physically yesterday I know she was there somewhere: whether it be that pink bow, or the sparkle that was shining in the sky; she was there.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Painting a wall

Sometimes I wonder about the grieving process; like how do you go from such a high to such a low in a moment of seconds. Although I know it's normal and  deal with the pain I still wish I wouldn't have to go through this. 
Most of the time I get really upset on the weekends lately when it's "family" time. I pause for a second as I'm driving in the car wishing Sydney was there, or when we are doing something together in or outside the house that reminds me of Sydney.
Yesterday we painted a wall in our bedroom, and wanted help from Logan. He loves to paint and get messy; typical boy. As Shane and Logan started to paint together, I stood back for a second. Can't believe Sydney isn't here. She would have loved to paint, and get messy. Shane wrote both Sydney and Logans name on the wall as a special moment for us, while Logan painted next to it. 
As I stepped away the pain does subside for the moment, but can come back at any second. I think the hardest thing for me lately is the realization that she's not coming back, and I would do anything to have her back here even for just a second. Yes...the signs are the best, and I know she is around all the time, but the realization that I can't hold my baby girl one more time is the most devastating feeling. 
 I know that these bumps in the road are only temporary, and we will be alright, because we have to be. As we approach 3 months this week I know time will heal as we take one day at time.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Sydneys Logo

She who leaves a trail of glitter is never forgotten! 
Sydney your sparkle and spunkiness will shine everyday, and you will touch many lives and inspire many people. 
One day and one step at a time your legacy will live on. We couldn't be more happier with your logo as we work on spreading your sparkle!! 

Friday, June 12, 2015

I think I can...and I will!

Yesterday morning I was the secret reader at my school. This was great, because I was able to see the kids and teachers, while reading one of my favorite books to them. The book I read was: " I know you could" I chose this book, since the Kindergarden students would be graduating next week. Although I chose for this reason I didn't know how much significance this book would have with myself and Sydney. 
As I finished the story the last page struck me hard as I had to take a deep breath to finish. These words were so true. "I think I can" and "I will".
As I drove home I had a moment and started to get upset, because I was thinking about Sydney and how much I missed her. The pain subsided as I pulled in to pick up Logan from daycare- he was so happy to see his mama as he always is. When we got home I checked the mailbox. There was a huge package in there from the State Senator addressed to us. I opened the package up and was taken away by what I had saw. There was an official letter from the state senator, a laminated copy of one of the articles that was written about us, and a personal letter regarding Sydneys legacy. I was shocked, so proud, and honored at the same time. The letters talked about Sydney and how beautiful her write ups were. He also talked about how great it was to being setting up Sydneys legacy as we enter the beginning stages of : Sydney Craven Memorial Fund. This package made me feel so happy, and realize that my work to spread Sydneys sparkle is paying off. I've always said I want everyone to know about Sydneys Sparkle and how amazing , spunky, and sweet she was.
Later that evening I paused for a second and thought back to the book I read earlier that morning. Who knew that the book would have such a connection to the letter that arrived in the mail later that afternoon. Coincidence I don't think so...Sydney knew! She knew how proud she is of her mother, and that even though times are tough for us she wants me to keep on going and not give up. As Sydneys mom I knew she was destined to do great things from the moment I laid my eyes on her. She had such a sparkle that would shine. We never dreamed life would take this course, and would do anything to have her back in a heartbeat. All we can be sure of is that Sydney WILL live on, and she will do great things. I just know it as her sparkle will shine.