20 weeks down 20 more to go

20 weeks pregnant, which means I'm half way there to meet the new little one. A lot has changed since giving birth to Sydney and Logan I often have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I'm having another kid. I ended up finding some pictures of when I was pregnant with the twins and compared it  to this time. I'm probably about the same size, but only carrying one this time. I'll just go with the fact that it might be all the sweets I've been indulging in, but what better time then when you're pregnant. 

Lately I have so many mixed emotions that Sydney isn't here. Some days it's easier then others. I just get so sad she's not here. I know Logan is so excited about the new baby, and continues to say, "baby Maddox is in his belly." When I'm hungry Logan's hungry, it's pretty funny and sweet. No matter which way you look at it there's highs and lows emotionally. I have another 20 weeks to mentally prepare myself for a new little one. It's definitely going to be an emotional rollercoaster, but that's only natural given the fact that Sydney isn't here every day. 

Best part of the week...the weekend

There seems to be a pattern to my end of the week blog posts, I'm very ecstatic that the weekend is here. I'm ready to relax, unwind, smile a little more, and possibly do nothing besides spending time with my family. With little Maddox on the way he's starting to take his mama's energy. I've been told multiple times to slow down, but I can't when I have a lot of responsibilities. No wonder I'm exhausted. I forget I have a little human being growing every day. Here's to a much needed relaxing weekend where I will try so hard to keep smiling, shine a little brighter, and put my feet up. Hello Saturday I'm so excited to see you!

Life would be better if you were here

The "28th" of the month always holds a special place in my heart, because it's the day the twins were born. I was so excited to remember the 28th of every month that I even would put a reminder in my iPhone calendar to alert me. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I should probably delete this from my calendar. Timehop reminded me about their one month picture which was taken exactly three years ago yesterday. It sure does sting and doesn't feel good at all. Life is not the same without my baby girl as I'm reminded every day that she's not here. Life stinks without her as I know she would be enjoying life with Logan, and would be unbelievably excited for baby Maddox to arrive. I'm sure in her typical Sydney fashion she will make her sparkle shine with the new baby, however, life would be so much better if she was just physically here in person. 

Mama your beautiful

As I head into week 20 of being pregnant I'm starting to feel more tired, look bigger everywhere, and just feel not myself. I feel just "blah". I know being pregnant is a beautiful thing, but right about now I don't feel the beauty. As I looked into the mirror last night and tried to fix the road map on my face, Logan came in. He said, "mama what are you doing"? My response, "mama is trying to fix her face that Maddox is destroying". As I stood in the mirror a little longer my LoLo said to me, "mama your just beautiful". I guess you can always count on your kids to make you feel better. LoLo will love me no matter what, and sees past the imperfections that I see every day. Thank you LoLo for making mama remember that it's not about the little imperfections that I have. What's important is that you will always love me, and be my little boy. 

An ordinary day

I remember saying a few post back that I would start decreasing my posts, and might not be able to post every day. Posting is almost like an addiction that has taken over me. It's my own therapy to help me get up every morning and tackle the day. Yes, some days there's really nothing, and some days I just go through the motions, but that's ok. I'm writing this post because yesterday was a pretty simple day. It was raining, which makes anyone's mood a little down; however I trucked through and came home to spend time with my family.  Nothing was new and nothing happened out of the ordinary. I waved to Sydney's  stone, and blew a kiss to the sky. It was just a typical day in the rain as a grieving mama. 

Mondays are always hard

It is never easy to come back from vacation after a week of relaxing, and spending time with my family and friends. There's nothing like a staycation to make for an amazing week. 

Back to work on a Monday is difficult especially when the sun isn't even up in the morning. Is it bad that I've started a countdown? It's less than 8 weeks until summer vacation, but who's counting. When your in the home stretch it can either feel like forever or fly by. This mama is extremely busy as usual, so I'm hoping it flies by. It's crunch time for Sydney's Tutu Run and SparkleFest, there is so much to do to throw off a successful event. I'm thankful everyday I have such amazing friends, family, and board to help me along the way. 

May is right around the corner and I'm gearing up. Time to breathe, push through, and welcome the nice weather.  The last day of school, is right around the corner.

Oh yeah...I'm pregnant

Finding out I was pregnant again was very special for my little family. We've been through so much since Sydney has passed that good news is just what we needed. The reason I'm talking about "being pregnant", in this blog today is that I often forget. I mean I know there is little Maddox in my belly; but, the fact that I'm growing a baby in my belly while grieving is a difficult and exhausting process. It's been hard to wrap my head around everything lately. We are so blessed, but in the long run I can't forget about Sydney. I thought I'd be alright, but there are moments when I just get sad. Very natural I know. These feelings are geared towards a grieving mother who has to deal with a heavy weight on her heart each day. I know baby Maddox will be loved unconditionally from us, our friends and family. It's not easy but this mama is taking it one day at time. We are so excited to meet the little one in September, and share all the memories of his big sister Sydney with him forever. 

Family Snuggles

I have no shame in admitting that my Saturday night consisted of pajamas at 5:00pm, pizza, snuggles, and a movie with my little family. I remember the days when I could actually stay up past 9:00pm, would enjoy going out with friends or on date night with the hubby. Boy have things really changed, and to be honest I'm totally ok with it. There's nothing better then getting a hug from your child saying "family snuggles" as we all get together to take a picture. Our Saturday nights will be changing soon enough as we welcome a new little one into this world. I can't wait to add a new baby to the bunch, while doing all I can to remember and think of Sydney constantly. As we snuggled on the couch last tonight and I looked at her picture on the wall I felt a little sad. "Wishing Sydney was here" is an understatement. I'd do anything to bring her back; however last night I focused on extra snuggles, family time, and the sparkle shining down from above. 

Bye bye April Vacation

Well 5 days of vacation definitely went by way too fast. Is it too early to count down the days until summer vacation? Just about 2 months away, which can't come soon enough. The weather was great this week, and we had a simple but relaxing week. We had a chance to catch up with some friends, and just spend time in the yard. My mind has a been a little busy lately with Logan, keeping the baby in my belly healthy, and planning for Sydney's big event. I never really stop, and I think that's part of my problem. Rest isn't an option at times for me. I'm always pushing forward, and doing my best to tackle each day. With a constant weight on your heart it's not easy. This week I've had a chance to reflect, and enjoy the family time that often puts a bandaid on the mending wound on my heart. Even though I'll be back at school next week my hope is that the nice weather will continue,and the next few months will go by quickly, so l can enjoy more family, friends, and the nice weather again. 

Being a singleton and having fun

Sometimes it's still hard to go on little outings with Logan knowing that Sydney isn't with him anymore. It's been over a year since she's been gone, and we've managed to move forward, while not missing a beat for Logan. Yesterday we spent the day with Logan's buddy Kensington. We hung out a time or two with Kensington when Sydney was still alive, and a few after Sydney has passed. I feel that Logan's relationship has grown with K, because he has become a singleton, and no longer has a twin to be by his side. Logan has adapted so well with so many old and new friends by his side. As we embark on outings it makes my heart heavy at times to see other twins or little girls around. This is my life, and this is how we choose to move forward. We enjoy activities with friends, singleton and twins, and chose to move forward with Logan enjoying as many activities as he can. Yesterday was a great day, because Logan and Kensington both enjoyed themselves. Seeing both of them smile makes my heart happy, but also sad because I wish Sydney was there with both of them.

 

3 going on 6

Sometimes I forget that Logan is just 3 years old and not 6. He often acts so much older than he is, and that makes it tough to discipline at times. Whenever Logan might be "acting 3" I often am puzzled as to why he is behaving like that. Oh yeah, it's because he's still a kid! I wonder at times what life would be like if Sydney was here with us. Would she be much more mature for her age like Logan , or would her diva style attitude make her momma want to lose her mind. We might say sometimes, "we're going to lose our mind" or "why won't they listen". Kids will often test our limits, which we all know as parents; however, I try so hard to watch my patience, because life is too short for me. I couldn't imagine going through another tradgedy again, which often makes parenting very difficult. 

Baby practice with my god daughter

After 9 months I can honestly say that my goddaughter didn't cry for me yesterday! I was so excited to spend some time with her, watch her, and of course have some help from Logan. He loves Kinsley so much, and loves to help out and take care of her. It's a glimpse into the future when baby Maddox arrives.

Being a "fairy god mommy" is a very special honor that I hold so dearly. It's not easy at times, because I often see Sydney in Kinsley. Maybe it's the cheeks, or the constant piggies and tutus she wears that brings back memories to me. Whatever it is, I'm doing my best to be the best auntie and fairy god mommy I can be to her. 

Yesterday while watching Kinsley and Logan, and being pregnant I got a glimpse into my life 5 months from now. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tired, because I sure was, but it was good practice. 

Yesterday was a good day filled with lots of love, friends that are family, and memories made. I'm enjoying school vacation, and all the relaxation and family time that comes with it. 

Seeing Logan's little brother

Today we got to see my little love that has been growing in my belly for 18 weeks. I always love to have ultrasounds done so I can see the baby grow, and make sure he's doing alright. Everyone knows me at the ultrasound place, and talks about Sydney every time I come in. It makes me happy that people remember Sydney, but again sad that she's not here. Choosing a name was kind of easy this time. We knew right away that we wanted the middle name after Sydney using the first letter to remember her. Samuel stuck with us from the beginning, but it was time to go with a first name. I wanted Bryce, but Shane was very adamant about Maddox. After thinking about it for a few weeks I began to love the name. Maddox, or Maddy we will call him. "The Lo-Mad brothers", Shane said. Short for "LoLo" and "Maddox". This little boy will be loved by so many. Bringing another child into this world won't be easy; however, it helps knowing that Logan is going to be a great big brother. Logan and baby Maddox both make my heart happy, and knowing that Sydney is with us every day makes it a little easier as we go through this process again. 

"Ne-Ne twinkles every where mama"

Logans has been talking about Ne-Ne a lot lately. It makes my heart so happy, but also sad. I love to share all the things that Logan says about his sister, because I think it's so special. Yesterday we went to go see Sydney's area before heading out to two birthday parties. When we were leaving, Logan said, "Ne-Ne is like a butterfly mama. She's twinkling everywhere!" I'm sorry, but how does he know to say something like that. I said to Logan, "Yes hunny she sure is. She's in all the sparkles that you see every day." As we drove away I just smiled in the rear view mirror, and thought about how lucky I am to have such an amazing little boy who makes me so happy each day, but also feel so sad because my baby girl is no longer here with him.

Ne-Ne was busy visiting her Brotha

Logan had his first day of soccer today. On the way to the field Logan asked to go see "Ne-Ne." He wanted to tell her that he was going to soccer and asked, "Ne-Ne can you come play too?" As I swallowed the lump in my throat I said, "Lo-Lo you know Ne-Ne is in the sky, but I bet you she is right with you today." 

The coach asked all the kids to introduce themselves. There was a little girl sitting next to Logan with all pink on. They asked her to say her name and she said, "Sydney". I thought to myself, well that's a sign. I ended up talking to the mom a little during practice and told her a little about Sydney. Logan had a blast at soccer, and can't wait to go again next week.

On the way home from My Gym, which was the second stop of the day,  Logan said, "mama say hi to Ne-Ne". I asked him where she was? His response, "right next to me mama". As I always do I tried to get more information. I said, "hold her hand", and not even two seconds later his hand was on the side of the car seat clenched. I gasped, but then I asked one more question. "Logan what was she was wearing?" A Sydney bow, her tutu, and a white shirt, he said. Now I don't know if this makes a difference, but the last outfit I put Sydney in was a white shirt, pink tutu, a pink bow, and silver shoes. Could that really have been Sydney that was with him? I believe yes! She was with Logan all day today, which made my heart so happy. I love the little signs she shows, and how she tries to connect with her brother. 

April Vacation

April vacation couldn't have come at a better time. I've been counting down the days for weeks now since last vacation. It's always good to take a break and clear your mind. Every one needs a break at times, but this mama is long overdue again.

It's been such a long stressful week, yet again, because Shane's been working on feeling better. It hasn't been easy, but I've been trying to get by. Between the hormones, the grieving emotions, and just overall being tired, I have tapped out. This vacation will give me time to reflect on life, spend time with my family, and gear up for Sydney's big event in June. This mama never slows down, but it will be good to just sit still for a few days, and enjoy a "staycation". 

LoLo has a sister and a baby brother

 

"Logan do you have any brothers or sisters?" Logan's been asked this question pretty frequently lately. Most of the time he says, "yes" while picking up his shirt to show the baby in his belly, or making me show my belly. My response following this is, "yes he's going to have a  baby brother." This answer is true; however, I always feel compelled to tell a quick version of Sydney's story. "He was a twin, his twin Sydney passed away, so he does have a sister too!" I kind of feel weird at times sharing about Sydney to complete strangers, but I don't want anyone to forget about her. I don't want to forget about her, which is a concern at times. Will Logan focus on his little brother all the time, and not about Sydney, or will Logan remember Sydney and share the twin bond with his new little brother? I'm not sure what the outcome will be, but moving forward I kind of want to encourage Logan to talk about Sydney as much as I do. No pressure from my 3 year old, but I have such high hopes that the bond will be strong for a long time. I would just be devastated if the bond fizzled out, and she wasn't remembered anymore. 

Grab your tutu and let's have fun

I never realized until recently that I have many jobs. I am a mother, wife, friend, educator, and President of an amazing non-profit organization that I hold so dearly in my life. 

I could never be where I am today without my amazing board who helps me every day with all the details needed to uphold a successful non-profit. 

Since Sydney has been gone I've wanted nothing more than to have everyone remember her. My dreams have come true with every picture I see with sparkles, something pink, or a tutu. The year mark might have came already, but it's my job to keep the sparkle going. 

On June 18, 2016, Sydney Craven Memorial Fund will be hosting the "first annual tutu run and sparklefest." Grab your tutu, pink, sparkles, and come attend an amazing event where the sparkle will be remembered. You DO NOT need to be a runner at all. Spread the word that you can walk, stroll, skip, or even hop through the 5k. The object is to have fun and remember. Following the race we will have "sparklefest." This is a family fun event with more sparkles and fun for the whole family. 

I can't wait to see all the families out there to remember and support an amazing cause. ALL PROCEEDS will go towards scholarships for children ages newborn-12 years old in the Bridgewater communities. These scholarships will give children a chance  to build their inner self-esteem, and a chance to participate in local activities around the community. To register for the race please go to: 

http://sydneycraventuturun.racewire.com 

Pulling this off 1 year after we started her organization is pretty amazing I think. I know Sydney would be so happy and proud to see how much her mommy is doing. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of my baby girl, and I will continue to do so always and forever. 

Insomnia and Anxiety

Yesterday night insomnia and anxiety got the best of me. From 1:30am-3:30am I was wide awake, my eyes were full of tears, and my anxiety was running sky high. I was so sad that Shane was still not himself, very upset with the unknown, and couldn't get the gears to stop turning. I had the same feelings for weeks after Sydney had passed away. I would wake up and cry very often uncontrollably. 

5:30am came really quick and this mama was extremely exhausted. I was emotionally and physically done and it wasn't even 6:00 in the morning yet. I remember talking out loud to my Sydney pic during the am ride to school and just asking, "will things get any better?" I survived the day with limited sleep and rest. Time to go to bed early, kiss the sparkle good night to the sky, and hoping for a better day ahead. I'm hoping the insomnia doesn't come back, and I can sleep. Fingers crossed because this mama needs her beauty rest. 

Being kind to myself

My usual routine is to get up every day, put a smile on my face, come home, laugh and love a lot with my family, and then go to sleep. Some days are harder than others, and I need to realize that it's ok to let myself go, and feel my worst. The last few days have been an emotional rollercoaster where I found myself in a tizzy and couldn't get out of my own way. I have learned again to breathe, look on the bright side, hold my head up high, and continue on my path, which is not easy. 

I will try to do my best, go on with my routine, and be kind to myself. Life is definitely not easy for us, but we're trying to take it one day at a time. I'm so lucky that I have an amazing little boy, one little one on the way, the sparkle in the sky,  friends that are family, and a husband who is always by my side. 

My hubby is my rock

Everyone has "a rock" in their life, or someone they can just rely on to get them by. I have such an amazing support system, but "my rock" is my husband Shane. "Till death do us part", I remember repeating to Shane the day we said, "I do!" When we said our vows I never thought we would be where we are today. I know we're so lucky to be healthy, but with the loss of Sydney it really hits me hard. 

Even on my hardest days I can count on my hubby, and when he's under the weather it really throws me for a loop. I've always been the stronger one in the relationship, but when it comes to seeing Shane upset I some how start to feel defeated. It's only normal for someone like myself to breakdown and cry for numerous reasons. People often say to me"it will get better" or, "you will be fine". 

I know that's the case, because we've come this far; however, the pain still lies within. I guess all I can do is keep on going, go over the bump really slow, and take it one day at a time. Thanks again to my hubby who makes me laugh a little louder, smile more often, and who holds it all in place when something bad comes our way. 

Friends that are family mean the most

Coming from a small family, I have learned to adapt and make the best of it. Even though I am the only child I find that my best friends are like my sisters, and would do anything to help me and my family when needed. I've talked about my core group of friends a few times, but sometimes a little shout-out is helpful to let them know how much we care. 

Thank you to my friends who are more than friends but are like my sisters and family. Logan loved spending time with Auntie D, Auntie Jew-Jew, Auntie Krissy and Uncle Stephen today. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to spend some quality time with LoLo. He loves each and every one of you. Thanks for being a part of our lives, part of our family, and always spreading the Sparkle wherever you may go. 

Such a good boy

As a mom who had the "best of both worlds"- a boy and a girl,  I never thought I would have to focus on just a singleton, but that is the case now that Sydney is gone. It's hard at times, because I know what it was like to have a girl and that was taken away too soon . Although Sydney is not here I can honestly say that the bond Logan and I have with each other is something so special. I knew the mother/son bond was going to be special, but recently I can only envision how much his love for his mama will grow. Yesterday Logan was so sweet. He went into the grass and picked two dandilion flowers for me. "Here mama these are for you. I love you". This kid melts my heart daily. I try to invision what Sydney would be like if she was here, and the thought gets messed up in my head. I bet she would have picked me a flower too, but would have had her sassy and spunky attitude when delivering it. 

I hope more than anything that baby Craven is as loving, caring, and so sweet as his big brother. Logan has a lot to teach his little brother, and I know he will love every minute of it.