Missing our sparkling flower girl

Sometimes it's the smallest thing that makes my heart hurt so bad. Yesterday was filled with mixed emotions. We were going to pick out bridesmaid dresses, and look at flower girl dresses for Stephanie ("auntie Jew Jews"wedding). Logan is one of the ring bearers and I'm the maid of honor. The only thing missing is Sydney. I remember being so happy to have twins, and how "one day Stephanie would get married and she would have her little ringbearer and flower girl." 10 months later Stephanie's getting married, and Sydney isn't here.

Please don't get me wrong, her flower girl is just the cutest thing, and actually reminds me of Sydney, but it's just hard.

What makes me so happy is Stephanie is going to do some extra special touches for her niece; the sparkle above. I couldn't have asked more from one of my best friends/sister. I know that you missed Sydney as much as I did today. She was there, and was watching over us. Even the flower girl had her "sparkle shoes" on. It wasn't easy, but as Stephanie's MOH and bestie I promise to do my best. Thank you for all you do everyday and always "Auntie Jew Jew" we all love you very much. Sydney might not physically be here, but I know she's with us everyday. 

Safe in my heart

Sometimes I need a quote to explain how I'm feeling. On the outside I look fine, but on the inside I'm hurting. Every day I wonder if she's watching over us, and knows that I'm thinking of her. I wish I could say it's getting easier but the pain still stings, and the unknown makes my heart so angry. You'll always be in my heart Sydney...always!

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I only miss you every minute of everyday. You will never truly be gone. I will hold you safe in my heart forever. 

By: Melissa Bray

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In this house we are DISNEY ready

Sometimes people send me private messages to my Facebook account, post things on my wall, or even send me items, because they want to spread the sparkle. Someone sent a quote to me the other day that I've been waiting to use for a particular post. 

This post was perfect for it, because it's all about getting ready for Disney. We received our tickets today, and a little sparkle package to bring with us. We are especially grateful for everything people do for us, whether it's big or small. 

I just want everyone to know how much this trip means to us. All I have to do is get through 2.5 more weeks until we see Mickey and Minnie. We are focusing on our family, and getting ready to have our first family trip as a family of 3, while still remembering. This house lately is in full Disney mode, and we are ready to have a magical time.

 

The strength from the sparkle

"How are you?" Is something that most people get asked daily. For me that question often is a double edge sword. I'm doing alright. I'm breathing every day, have a beautiful little family, a job, a house, and amazing friends that care about us. Although I say, "I'm doing alright" I have to question that at times. I'm doing well enough to get up everyday, and function even though the heartache stays there. Someone asked me today, "how I was" after not seeing that person for a while. I told him, " I'm doing the best I can". His response, "you are one strong person." 

I believe it's the strength I get from Sydney and all the sparkle that follows her each day. She's watching us I know she is. She's my little guardian angel that is spreading her sparkle far and wide. I say it every day, and I will always say, " I miss her and want her here". For now I will work on the strength I need to get through the next couple of months. It won't be easy, but all I can do is try. We do all we can to remember the twinbond, and Sydney's sparkle everyday!!!

300th post

April 3, 2015 I woke up a little over two weeks since our baby girl had passed unexpectedly and said, " I need to do something. I need to tell people how I'm feeling, and give people an inside look into the grieving process." No one prepares you for this, so I decided to share what I knew in such a short few weeks. I had a vision to inspire, and spread that sparkle. I laugh because in my first post I said, "I can't promise to blog everyday, because I might not know how I feel." Well that wasn't true! One post led to another post, and the followers, and sparkles came along. This blog marks my 300th post. I haven't missed a blog, have no regrets, and am so proud of myself. What a whirlwind it has been through this grieving process. I've had my highs and very lows, and have made myself an open book. That's alright with me, because I want to help others. As we get closer to her anniversary I will continue to blog and keep on going. 65 posts to go till we reach "365 days of sparkle". Thank you to all those that have supported me, and have kept the sparkle alive. 

My hope is to publish this blog, and pass along to others that unfortunately might have a similar situation with a twin, sibling, or only child. No one gave me a book about the grieving process; however, my blog is the healing process. I will continue to take one day at a time, shine a little brighter, and sparkle on. I know your proud of mommy Sydney...know that we all miss you so much...always and forever xoxo

Winter Memories

Lately a lot of my blogs have been about the winter, and all the fun we had with Sydney and Logan. It's so hard to go through all the pictures as we head into February. The pictures will run out and timehop will start displaying the new pictures and new memories that we have made in the past year without Sydney here. I know she will always be with us, but I feel it getting harder and harder as I scroll towards the end. From more winter fun, selfie pictures, to the last picture we took the day before she passed; they are all hard to look at. I know as soon as spring begins her anniversary will be here. She passed away on the 19th, the day before spring, and a really special friend's birthday.

I probably sound like I'm rambling on in this blog, but I want all my thoughts out there. Yesterday wasn't that bad of a day, it's just tiring. It's often exhausting to have this weight on my heart each day as we try to figure out how we progress towards her anniversary. We just miss her so much!!!

The pain lingers

The combination of the Patriots/Denver rematch and the snowfall from the other day definitely didn't make for an easy day! Why you ask? Just the pain lingering on. The fact that last time we had a rematch Sydney was here, and the last big snow storm a year ago she was waiting for her "brotha" to pull her in the sled. 

No one actually understands how much the pain lingers, and can often feel like its suffocating your heart. It makes me sick to my stomach that we have to deal with this. As we reach her 1 year mark around the corner it's getting harder to take one day at a time. I have my good days and my bad days. Doesn't mean I stay in bed every day, but means I just have a hard time breathing through it all. I'm super lucky that I have such an amazing group of besties, and friends that are family. They let me cry, let me vent, and they often know exactly what to say. 

The highs definitely come with the lows, and I find myself lately at a slight low. I'll be alright, because I have to be. No one will let me fall too hard, because I can't. I've got the love of my little family, my friends, and the sparkle above that helps me each day. 

Let in snow

I thought it was only supposed to snow a little, but I guess the weather had another plan yesterday. A little snow turned into a lot of snow, and it was time to snuggle in and enjoy the weather. Sounds like a good idea if you didn't have an almost 3 year old who loves the snow. Auntie Jew Jew and I were asked so politely to go outside in the "blizzard" with Logan. Guess you can't say no when you hear, "please let's build a snowman". We threw snowballs, played on the playground outside, attempted a snowman in Ne-Ne's garden, and topped it off with snow angels again. Our fingers were getting cold, but Logan's laugh was contagious enough to keep us outside a little longer. As the snow fell I found myself happy to be outside with one of my besties, and my little love. As we know time is very precious, and it's important to make the most of everyday. Yesterday I chose to live, love, laugh, and sparkle on.

TGIF

I couldn't wait for the weekend to be here!! What a week at work. It was super busy, but I managed. All I wanted to do was go out to dinner with my little family, meet some friends, and eat good food. 

Logan was ready for a fun night, and this mama was ready to relax and kick back after a long week. This weekend ahead will consist of tons of snuggles, lots of friends that are family, and a match between Daddy's and Mommy's football team. As always we will visit Sydney's area every day, and will continue to remember. We talk about her all the time, and that helps the pain inside. Here's to a good and relaxing weekend, where memories are made, and hopefully the sparkle will shine. 

Love each and every sparkly flaw

One day I'll look back on these pictures, and realize that:

* Having no makeup on doesn't matter!

* The fact that my hair looks a mess is ok!

* The wrinkles on my face are part of the beauty and aging process. Everyone has them!

* The little boy named Logan loves me so much no matter how many flaws I might have!

* All the hugs, silly faces, and smiles make up for a long tough day!

This blog is pretty simple. The sparkle lesson is to not focus on the flaws and imperfections, but loving and living in the moment. After a long hard day at work yesterday, I can honestly say that taking this picture, and hearing what he said made it so much better. 

Logan: Love you mama

Me: Love you too LoLo  

Two by Two

Timehop reminded me yesterday about 

my baby shower: two-by-two Noah's Ark theme. All these memories keep on coming up, which makes me have mixed emotions. I can't believe it's been 3 years since we were thrown an amazing shower to honor Sydney and Logan. Everything was double because there were two, and now there's one.

If I only knew where I'd be now maybe I would have been a little better. I know I do my best, but the unknown, and the unknown reason really gets to me. 

I remember Shane and I being so happy as we had one of each. Girl clothes, and boy clothes, we were all set. 

Now we flash forward 3 years later, and our ark is one less. We are doing alright, trying to hold it together. Here's to remembering our baby shower, but bringing ourselves to reality with just one less kid now.

The 10 month heartache

 10 months feels so long; yet it seems like yesterday Sydney was still here. I find myself having a hard time lately, and breaking down more silently. It hurts so bad that she's not here, and honestly she should be. We've come so far in the last 10 months. We have remembered, shined, and sparkled on for our baby girl. 

I knew right from the moment I woke up yesterday that my day would be hard. I'll be honest I had a mini breakdown. My emotions were so high that I finally blew. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, nor wish the heartache we deal with every day. If I could bring her back I would , and life would be complete again. For now we continue to deal with the constant heartache, take one step forward, and hope she's proud of us. We miss you more and more each day baby girl, and hope you know how much sparkle we spread daily for you. 

Snow Day without the Sparkle

Some days it takes me a little bit of time to figure out my blog; however yesterday I knew right away what today's post would be about right away from when I woke up. It was snowing, which means we were going to go out and play, but without Sydney. One less child to get dressed, one less child to pull in the sleds, and one less child to chase in the snow. Heartbreaking is pretty much the word that described my immediate feelings yesterday morning. 

As I got Logan ready I found myself angry. Not angry at Logan, but angry because Sydney wasn't there. Last year I used to complain that I'd have to get both kids ready; one would be all set, and then I'd have to do the other. I'd wish more than anything that I was still dressing two, and complaining of how tired I was. 

Logan was all ready to go out, and he absolutely loved it. I paused for a second to regain my strength, took a deep breath , and just looked at the sky and said, "where's Sydney?" She's supposed to be here. 

We ended up going outside twice yesterday. From sled rides to snowball fights we had a great time. We even made "snow angels" for Ne-Ne in her garden, just for her. We tried to make snowmen, but the snow wasn't hard enough. 

We made the best of a snowy day, and tried to power through. I'd say yesterday was another hurdle that we overcame. The first snowfall without Syd. The family time that we had was so important, and the memories were made. 

Here comes the 19th, which won't be any easier, because it will be 10 months. They say it's going to get easier, but truthfully as we get closer to the year mark I find myself more sad each day that she's not here. 

Bring on the Disney Magic

Me: Logan guess what today is?

Logan: What mama?

Me: We go to Disney in a month! 30 days away...yay!

Logan: Yay Disney! Can Bronco come mama?

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Telling your almost three year old son that his best buddy (aka Bronco) can't come to Disney was a little heartbreaking. I told him we could bring him home something from Pluto. 

We are very excited to be going to Disney. I can't believe it's almost here. The excitement and joy that will be brought to us from Logan's reaction is just unimaginable. People might say kids Logan's age are too young for Disney, and he might not remember, but I say the memories that will be made are priceless. We can't wait to experience Disney with him, and be little kids again.  

Logan's got his luggage ready, snacks, and all his Disney pals. He can't bring them all, so he's been deciding on which ones to bring. 

No matter how hard the next few months might be, we will be shining in Disney. Let the countdown continue, and be ready for lots of sparkles along the way. I know Sydney will be with us as the magic unfolds.

A playoff game without Syd

Are you ready for some playoff football? We were all ready for the Patriots playoff game yesterday, but someone was missing- Sydney. Now you think I would have prepared myself for the emptiness that was going to occur today, but NOTHING ever works. As soon as I got up yesterday, time hop decided to remind me of her "dancing video". It's so easy to post videos, but then the aftermath occurs. You often sit and wonder what life would be like if she was still here. Would she still be dancing during a football game, eating chips with her daddy, or chasing her brotha around the house? I'm pretty sure it would be a yes. 

As I sit here and write this blog I do it with a heavy heart. The pain inside at times is like a nautious feeling; kind of like super heartburn, except it wasn't from food, it's from grieving. 

We spent the day here yesterday in our Patriots gear, and as Logan called it we were, "twinning". We were very excited for a win for the Patriots. We snuggled watching the last few seconds, and then it was time to go to bed. I kissed Logan one last time before bed, and said, "goodnight". We survived another day without our baby girl. She was very much missed today; as she always is. We learn to adapt, reflect, and get by. It is not easy, but it's what needs to be done . Sydney knows I'm trying, and that's by far the best medicine to help me each day!!!

Sparkly Night

There are times since Sydney has passed away that I often find myself seeing things. What does that mean exactly? Seeing Sydney! 

After Sydney's tutu meeting the other night I went right to bed around 10:15pm and around 10:45pm I woke up startled. I was only able to get a glimpse, but I do believe what I saw was Syd. I stared out in bed and saw Sydney coming closer to Logan who was sleeping in our bed. All of a sudden the image looked like it was giving Logan a hug. I shook my head, had to gather my thoughts, and then took a few deep breaths. Was I dreaming, or was that really her?

I didn't want her to know I was scared; I was just in shock. I hope she comes back again to visit. I felt that I didn't get enough time with her. Seeing her last night made my heart feel something. I just miss her very much. 

Maybe this was her sign for me. What a great sign to have. I just want her to know that, "I'm not scared" and that i will look for another sign again. 

Until then I will look for the sparkle everyday, and know she's with us. 

Stay focused and Sparkle from the heart

Yesterday was our first "tutu run/sparklefest volunteer meeting" to kick off sponsorships for The Sydney Craven Memorial Fund. Her big run will be June 18, 2016, but last night was the initial meeting to talk with volunteers. 

This was a big deal for me. I was going to standup in front of people, and talk to them about everything Syd, myself, her fund, and the run/sparklefest combined.

Just like usual I was a little nervous, but you probably couldn't tell. Whenever I talk about the SPARKLE, it just comes natural. Sydney would want me to spread the sparkle, and continue to do what I'm doing- shining on.

I think it's easy to talk about Sydney because it comes from the heart. Even though Sydney is not here physically with me, I know she's all around me. 

Boy was she proud of me last night. 

We're actually going to be able to pull this off with so much love and support from people around us. 

Sydney Craven Memorial Fund is just the perfect way to keep Sydney's legacy alive. Her sparkle will live on through other children, and will carry on forever. 

Last night my sparkle wasn't dull. It was shining bright for others to see and 

hear. Her sparkle will live on, and I'll do all I can to keep on promoting what means so much- Sparkling On!

The sparkle in my snowflake

When I woke up yesterday morning Logan was so excited to put his boots on, and jump in the snow. Unfortunately it wasn't a long time, because he had to go to daycare. 

I ended up staring at Sydney's Garden for a minute as the snow reflected off the plants that are still there, the Minnie Mouse, and her sign. Wow has her garden changed. 

I'm not sad that it snowed, just sad that her area is covered now. As I drove away all I could think of was how the snow just sparkled all around. Each snowflake was different, and shined so brightly.

Same thing happened when I went to the cemetery. Her area was blanketed by snow. It looked pretty, but was sad to see everything covered.

I want to rush through the winter months, and sparkle into the spring. 

Snow this year has a different meaning to me this year. I think I'll just watch each snowflake sparkle, and always REMEMBER like I ALWAYS do.

 

Just don't give up

Sometimes you just need a quote to express how you're feeling. I can't give up, and won't give up. No matter how hard each day gets I have to try so hard to move forward. 

We sure miss our baby girl each and everyday. 

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"So remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes a universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters that you don't just give up. 

- Stephen Hawkings

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Looking up at the stars, and seeing the twinkling lights reminds me of my baby girl, and all the sparkle she brings. We will always SPARKLE ON!