As we rapidly approach Sydney's one year anniversary, I have to be completely honest. The intense pain I am feeling right now is something I never could have imagined or anticipated. I'm actually "regrieving" and reliving the passing of my baby girl all over again. The realization that she is never coming back feels like a knife in my heart every second of every day. I don't know if I was naive to my feelings, but I honestly didn't expect it to hurt so much. I do blame the hormones partially, which are raging as I try to process and move through one more day until the year mark.
People often are very concerned and want to help. The appreciation is there, but at times no one knows what I really need but myself. Only Shane and I know what's best for our family. I do take people's opinion, and appreciate the advice, but I will navigate on my own. I always have, and will get through this too one day at a time.
People often say time will tell and I believe that, but struggle with the realization. What's true is that I'm breaking down inside. I'm regrieiving, and the pain will always be there all the time; just some days worse then others.
I'll continue to breathe deeply, silence myself a little from the outside world, and let myself remember. It's not a pretty process, and very difficult to digest. No matter what day it is I'll always grieve. That's something that can never go away as long as I live.
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