Elway the Elf

Elway the Elf made his debut in 2013 when the twins were just 8 months old. They obviously were too young, but we wanted to start the tradition early. Last year Syd and Logan started to get it. They would run around the house and point to Elway in several places. 

This year our tradition has changed and we now only have Logan looking for Elway. I bet Sydney would have really enjoyed looking for him this year. All we have our memories from years past. We will always keep Elway, and the tradition going. Elway is now very special because he's known for spreading sparkle too. I hope Syd doesn't give Logan any clues and lets him find it himself. Wouldn't be any fun if he knew ahead of time :) 

Here's to remembering the sparkle always, looking for Elway, and keeping the memories alive.

A Christmas Tree that Sparkles

Timehop reminded me yesterday that a 

year ago we got our Christmas Tree. Maybe there was a reason we didn't get our tree on Saturday, and it was raining. Over the past 3 years we always got our tree at Home Depot, it was our tradition. As you probably already figured out we didn't go back to Home Depot, at least not this year. New tradition and new memories, while we remembered the old.   We got to the tree farm very early and Logan marched all over the farm to find the perfect tree. I want this one...a 6ft wide tree that was perfectly centered in the middle. As the sun shined down LoLo and I watched daddy cut down the tree. Logan smiled as his daddy did his best, and we carried the tree to the car.

To be honest I felt alright. I wasn't too sad, but missed Sydney as usual. What gets me sad at times is seeing others with their holiday experiences. Don't get me wrong I am so so happy for everyone during this holiday season, but at times it stings that our holidays will always be difficult. 

In the evening we strung the lights, and decorated the tree. I thought I was going to "vomit" a few times as my heart was in my throat. All of Sydneys ornaments had to be moved to her tree, and some were put on her area. That was so painful; especially the handprints, footprints, pictures, and the mommy and daughter ornament...ugh is the feeling I had, and still do. 

I just power through the pain, and do what I have to do. As Logan hung up the star i had a glimpse last year as to when Syd did it with her daddy. New traditions have been started as we remember the old. She was there I know she was there. I hope she knows how much we miss her this holiday season. Christmas Tree...check...on to more holiday festivities as we remember the sparkle.  

Signs of sparkle everywhere

Yesterday the rain put a damper on our new tree tradition, but didn't stop us from getting in the season with decorating and music. 

The day started out with a little Pandora Christmas on the phone; where Logan and I danced around the kitchen acting silly, and enjoying every song that came on. 

Decorating for the holidays has always been something I love to do. Growing up I didn't celebrate Christmas, and we kept it simple with the Hannukah decorations. I knew it was going to be difficult to pull down last years decorations, so figured I'd grab a few new ones. Since I'm not buying for Sydney directly this year I figured I'd buy decorations that symbol her, and will keep the spirit going.

Every store that I walked into there were signs everywhere of Sydney. I started out with the "may your holidays sparkle" sign. This was a must and lit up. I ran into Michales and there was a whole stand of shine and sparkle things. I tired to prioritize as I knew I had other stuff I needed. When we went to the last store I couldn't believe my eyes when I got in. A pink pig with a tutu and a bow that lights up. Sometimes I have to pick and chose the things I buy, but this was a no 

brainer. It was going to look perfect in her area.

When we got home our outside started to come together: Mickey, Minnie, Santa and, a Snowman completed my front lawn, and of course the pink pig for her area. 

Whatever it was today there was so much sparkle! I knew she was with us in these hard times, and will continue to shine as we go along.

A visit to Ne-Ne's area

"Mama I want Snow White Pez for Ne-Ne's area". Logans been a little obsessed lately with Pez; not quite sure where he got the obsession, but he loves it. As the months go on Logan has become more vocal, and is turning into a little boy. 

Each day we continue to see Ne-Ne's area, and try to keep it as festive as possible. Logan loves to visit his sisters area.

This holiday season is different this year.

Not only do I have to focus on a tree in, my house, Sydneys garden, but also holiday decor for her stone area. I'm not complaining about the decorations, but just the fact that I'm decorating a stone this year. Not what I have planned.

Yesterday Logan was excited to give Ne-Ne her Pez along with all the other decorations that surround her area. 

On the front side of the stone is where most of the momentous are, but on the back there's all Logans stuff he leaves for Ne-Ne. I often wonder if he knows that she's really gone, and isn't coming back. He's such a smart boy that is learning to a adapt with his own little broken heart. Just like his mommy the pain takes time to heal. We will continue to be in routine with Sydneys area, and always find something to make it sparkle.

Being thankful with new traditions

Thanksgiving 2015 is now in the books! It wasn't easy by any means, but we survived. There was a moment yesterday that I got a flashback to the night she passed away; instead of getting myself upset, and going downhill, I took a deep breath and went on. 

Yesterday was about making new traditions, remembering the old memories, and spending time with the ones we love. 

Our day started out by visiting Sydney's area. Logan wanted to get out and see her area. Some days he wants to get out of the car, and others he doesn't. This is a new tradition that shouldn't be here , but it's part of our life, part of our journey, and we are learning to adapt. 

Following this we started a new family outing to the EB football game. New tradition and new memory made. After this we were invited to one of my bestie Stephanie's house (aka Auntie Jew Jew ). The memories were made, and the whip cream that was spread all over Logan's face was priceless. There's nothing like a belly laugh to make your day. 

As the day came to a close I took some time to reflect. Boy did I miss her today, and how I wish she was in her tutu prancing around. Fair is a word that isn't taken lightly with me...unfair is exactly appropriate. As thanksgiving 2015 came to a close I found myself being thankful for the ones who love us the most, my ability to breathe and sparkle each day, and the life that I have ahead of me. It's not easy at all, but the broken heart takes a long time to mend. 

A Thankful Heart

As Thanksgving approaches we often find ourselves giving "thanks" to others, and being "grateful" for what we have in life. I find myself mixed with emotions; many highs and lows that often make me contradict myself. 

Am I thankful and am i grateful? Here's the honest truth: I am so blessed, and so THANKFUL to have such amazing friends , friends that are family, family, my amazing son, husband, and always the sparklers; yet, somethings missing this Thanksgiving.

The one thing that I'd be so much happier with, the one thing that's missing, and the one thing that completes my thankful list...my baby girl! 

I can honestly say that since Sydney has passed away I'm thankful for the strength that I've exhibited, and thankful for all the support I receive daily. Without that I wouldn't be were I am today. 

This Thanksgiving I'll make sure to say a special wish to the sky as I know Sydney is watching over us, and protecting her brother. I'm thankful beyond belief everyday that he's still here, healthy, and encompasses her characteristics.

Today and everyday I'm thankful. I've learned to adapt, and take the good with the bad...boy is it hard; however I try. 

Today remember to hug more often, smile with the ones you love, remember the old moments, and cherish all the new memories that lie ahead. Be thankful for what you have, and always have a grateful heart. 

Although my heart is breaking I know deep down its still got love in it to share. Lots of love and lots of sparkles always!!

Happy Turkey Day Everyone

My sparkle is low

And all of a sudden I got to my boiling point today and just started to cry...why...I'm not sure? Every little thing was just piling up. I guess I never really realized how much these upcoming holidays would affect me. I've always tried to be strong, but unfortunately I'm running out of strength lately...some could even say "my sparkle is low".

I find Thanksgiving to be the first real holiday that I know we will be affected. Truthfully I see a downhill spiral until Jan 1st. I don't know how people do this when they lose a loved one; old or young. 

I just can't get the negative thoughts out of my head lately. They all come together in full force until I'm ready to explode. There's no way around it, and I'd rather be truthful! I'm having a hard time with these holidays, and I'm not sure what will make it better. 

These next few months will test my strength, and my ability to hold on to what I've instilled. I really hope the sparkle shines so bright, because this momma needs all the strength she can get.

A Holiday Sign that Sparkles

There's no surprise lately that I've been feeling really overwhelmed with the holiday season approaching. The thought of having Thanksgiving this week without Sydney makes me actually want to vomit. People often complain about visiting family members, or the hustle and bustle of holiday shopping, but I sit here wondering how am I going to power through these next few weeks. I really can't even get into the spirit although I try so hard for Logan. 

All I can do is just remember, and know that Sydney is sparkling high above. 

One of my most recent holiday purchases came yesterday, which was just the right added touch. Someone on Facebook sent this to me and I knew that I needed it. 

"Christmas in Heaven, what do they do? They come to earth and spend it with you, so save them a space, an empty chair, you might not see them, but they will be there".

This sign is just one of the smallest pieces that I will TRY to use to make this holiday season sparkle. It's going to be tough, but I will do my best. 

Visiting Santa

Yesterday was the first of many holiday activities that we have planned for the upcoming holiday season. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to go visit Santa today, but I knew we had to do it for Logan. Even though the pain is no fun I need to power through. 

I'd be lying if I said it was easy yesterday. Fighting through the pain was easier then waiting in the huge line, but that's a different story. The end result was priceless though. Logan walked so slowly over to Santa and said, "I want paw patrol and I want play dough" as he smiled at Santa.

I remember last year Sydney wanted no part in Santa. She was petrified; made for a great pic, but petrified. It was nice to go today for Logan, but Sydney should have been with us. I've been missing her more and more each day lately, and I know it's just going to get worse over time. The holidays are supposed to be a wonderful time; however, this year we might 

need a little boost. No matter how you look at it this holiday season is going to be super tough. It just stinks more than anything that she's not here.

Creating a calendar

Pictures have always been something that I've been obsessed with. With all the pictures I take I have made sure to make many books and items for others. One of the things I look forward to each year since the twins were born was making a calendar. I would strategically pick the pictures to coincide with each month. 

Since Sydney has passed away a lot of things go through my mind. I try to process how I'm going to handle things. One might not think creating a calendar would be so hard, but for this year it sure is. I contemplated not doing one, because I didn't want to see the heartache from Syd after the month of March, but decided that I would do one for Logan and combine it with pictures that remind me of Sydney.

As I started to create the calendar I stopped a few times, because I got sad. The "I can't believe this happened" words came over me. Not everything is easy, but I figured I'd explain that even the littlest things often make me super sad. This calendar won't be easy to view, but things take time, and I'm ready!

Everything will work out

Lately people have been asking if I'm alright, because my blogs have been so real, raw, and honest lately. It sure hasn't been easy lately, and like I've said recently we are gearing up for a long couple of months ahead. At the end of the day yesterday I came across a quote on Facebook that caught my eye from a friend..."Everything will work out". Even in my darkest days, and with my lowest lows I know deep down that there's a plan, there's a reason, and that everything eventually will make sense. One step forward as we go though the next few months which will be hard. All I can do is keep my head up, breathe, and take one day at a time.

No matter how long it always hurts

I don't know if anyone caught my little mistake yesterday morning when I was posting my blog...for some reason I thought Syd was gone for 9 months, but it's only been 8 months. Either way 8 or 9 it all hurts the same. 

I have to be honest I laughed a little bit when I finally realized. It was a quick fix on the computer, but not a quick fix in life.

No matter how long it's going to be its always going to hurt, and always going to sting so bad. As we head into the holidays I can't even begin to tell you how I'm going to feel. I can't even imagine Turkey Day without her next week, or Christmas and Hannukah in December. No way around it...it's going to stink! She should be here with us.

One thing is for sure is that each day I still miss her, and each day there seems to be that struggle within. 8 months later we still remember the sparkle, and always will as the months and years go on.

8 months is not a long time

8 months have gone by and 8 months later my heart still hurts. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about Sydney; her beautiful laugh, smile, giggle, her bow to match every outfit, and that spunkyness that she wore so well. 8 months can seem like a long time for other people, but for a grieving mother it's not long time at all, and feels like yesterday that she was here. 

I'm so grateful for all the support and sparklers I have this far, and continue to want to grow that number as the months go on. As time goes on I know it doesn't seem so fresh to others. I go through my everyday life as "Heather...the girl who lost her daughter" moving forward. I just wish at times people realized that the hurt is still there. One of my co-workers came up to me today and just gave me a big hug. She said, "I just want to hug you and know I'm always thinking of you". It's the little things that mean the most. It's the cards that are sent, it's the random messages, or just the simple hello that make me smile.

I want people to remember that I just lost my daughter 8 months ago. I might seem put together on the outside, but internally I'm a mess. My heart is mending, and will take a long time to heal. 

A house filled with many memories

30 weeks pregnant and we were searching for our dream home. We were so happy when we found our forever home. The house that would be filled with so many wonderful memories. There are a lot of beautiful memorable moments that have taken place in our house within the last 3 years. The good definitely ways out the bad; however ever since Sydney has passed away the house just doesn't feel the same.

There were so many memories with Logan and Sydney in this house that will be here forever, but also sting so bad. Sydneys taking her steps down the hallway, Logan and Sydney being pushed in the laundry basket down the hallway, and Logan chasing Sydney around the house saying Ne-Ne, or Sydney saying brotha brotha.

The list can go on forever. This house holds so many memories that will always stay with us. I'm not sure what the future will hold for us, but I do know our memories continue to grow. We definitely miss Sydney so much, but will always remember her in so many ways through our house. Her sparkle lives on, her spirit lives on, and she's always with us.

 

I'm just tired

There are days when I have so much energy and days were I feel like my body is collapsing. How can I be so tired if I got 8 hours of sleep and had a large coffee? I know why...I have a constant weight on my chest each day, and my mind is ALWAYS thinking about Sydney who is not here. I'm just so tired and keep on pushing along. I wake up everyday and go about my daily routine, but feel so physically defeated. My heart aches, my body aches, and can't forget about my head that is constantly in overload. On the outside all might seem ok, but on the inside I'm hurting. 

I'm not sure when the pain will go away, and know that somedays are better than others; however, for now it's worth sharing about what I'm going through on the inside and outside each day. 

Sparkling along with Syds fund

There are days when I often become so overwhelmed that I feel that someone is shaking my head, and I can't seem to focused. I'm full of so many emotions daily, often tired from going on a rollercoaster of emotions.

I often can't believe how much we've got accomplished in almost 9 months. I couldn't do nearly half of it without my amazing board that makes up Sydney Craven Memorial Fund. 

One would think I would be filled with so much sparkle from the fund that has been established, but often I get overwhelmed. It's a lot to take in all the gratitude, and it's a lot to push forward after such a tradgic thing has happened. We have established this fund to keep Sydneys sparkle alive, and help others. 

There's so much going on with Sydneys fund lately that I'm overjoyed with emotions. I can't wait to work together with everyone to have Sydneys 1st tutu run and sparklefest in June. There will be a lot of hard work put forward but with the support from others, and my amazing board I know it will be a success. 

***we missed you Lindsey***

Logans big boy bed

You know Logans growing up when it's time to say goodbye to the crib and hello to a big boy bed. Yesterday was an exciting day; yet hard day as we went to get Logan a big boy bed. I was filled with mixed emotions as my little boy is growing up so fast. 

After we came home yesterday I walked into Sydneys room and thought about her crib and how it still sits in the same place in her room. I've been contemplating with Shane on what to do with her crib, but for now it just stays there so perfectly put with all of her little keepsakes in it.

As Logan transitions into a big boy bed the fear as a parent continues to circulate. Will he be ok, and will he sleep through the night? I always have a constant worry when Logan goes to sleep, but it's the worry that I'll always have. 

There's always that unknown fear that comes over me; however, somedays it's easier to manage then others. 

The gender reveal

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Our gender reveal after we found out we were having twins. The suspense of finding out what we were having, and then being able to announce it to friends, family, and social media.

For those of you that don't know the gender story it's pretty humerous. The doctor told us that one was definitely a boy and there was a 70% chance the other one was a girl. For those of you that know me 70% was not good enough. I needed to confirm and that I did. Yup...a girl and a boy. We were a complete family. Shane had his future football player, and I had my little girl to dress up. Shane had his daddies girl, and I had my mommas boy. We were all set.

Flash forward 2.5 years later and we are no longer complete. I was absolutely devistated when I saw the gender reveal pictures. I was heart broken, and sick to my stomach. I've felt the pain inside my chest all day that didnt go away. I'll be truthful...its just getting worse. I try to breathe, but sometimes the pain suffocates me. I'm just so sad that this has happened; more lately then ever. I really wish I had a crystal ball 2.5 years ago, because maybe it would have prepared me for the heartache that lies within. 

One day you'll help others

One of the first things I said after Sydney passed away was, "I want to help people. I want someone to read my blog one day, and learn from what I went through". 

Lately I find myself questioning my feelings, and the way I express myself. I've kind of almost taken a step back and am a little more careful of what I say, because I don't want to upset anyone. 

I expressed my feelings...my deepest feelings to one of my besties last night, and she kind of gave me a little wake up call. "Heather, people want you to be real. These feelings are not toward anyone specific. Just be honest. You want to help people one day. I believe you do!" 

One of my besties was right. It's ok for me to want to scream, cry, and wonder if I'll ever hold another baby again. It's ok to be sad everytime I walk into a store, and quickly bypass all the girls clothes, because I'm ready to throw up. This is all normal!!!

If there was a reason that Sydney passed away I might just have different feelings, but because my life was shattered in seconds I'm allowed to feel like this. 

I write this blog today with a heavy heart. Maybe...just maybe one day I'll feel a little better when I hold a little girl, see a mommy and daughter walking together, or even walking by the girls section in a clothing store. 

I remember all the visions I had for Sydney when she was here...all the visions of mommy/daughter things, and daddy/daughter things. Now these visions are just memories...memories that will hopefully turn into reality one day again?

It's ok to be real

When I think I can't go anymore, when social media gets the best of me, when all the girly stuff brings tears to my eyes, and when the feeling inside is to much to handle I remember one thing... Keep going, because I'm "inspiring" others. 

This is a life changing tradegy that forever will impact me, as I remember and keep spreading that sparkle. I've learned to have my days, be honest with others, cry out loud, and just openly admit that it sure does stink.

To be honest I want to have my little girl back. I want to play dress up again with tutus and bows, and enjoy all the little girl things a momma enjoys if she had a little girl.

In the end all I can be is honest. I need to keep shining, and be as real as ever. I wish Sydney was here still, and that the sparkle was never taken away from us.