Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Broken heart

I remember a good friend telling me that at any moment something might set me off that reminds me of Sydney. It could be a song she used to like or a toy; just something that reminded me of her.
Yesterday my friend was right. We were driving in the car and one of the Elmo songs came on that Logan always listens too in the car. The song hit me like a ton of bricks, as I went to change the song another one reminded me of her and the tears just started to come. Let me try the radio I thought, and of course here comes the "breakup" music on all the stations. Are you kidding me I said outloud? The pain hurt so bad, my chest hurt so bad. It's the broken heart feeling again that will only mend over time. 
I stopped myself from really crying to much as I was driving the car. I told Shane that the pain at times is awful as I try to breathe and work through it when it happens. I wonder why? Why us? Why Syd? She was just perfect...why would this happen to our beautiful family?
The pain stings at times as I try to make sense of it all. To me life is not fare. What is the reason for this all? I guess only time will tell...right?
Walking around yesterday I saw how much fun Logan was having; that helps, but at times it doesn't fix it. I have to now walk through places looking at the "little girl things." I say to myself, "Syd wouldn't have liked this place she would have been scared" to make myself feel better that she's not here.
At the end of the day reality sets in. She's not coming back ever. The signs are always there but she is not. Her presece is missing and that will never change. I will be strong for her, Logan, and Shane; however at the end of the day my heart is broken. 
I'm not only a mother now but I hold a new title: "a bereaved mother". I hope no one ever feels this pain, and that time will heal. I will heal, and be that mother who will make a difference in rememberance of Sydney. I will stand tall years from now talking to others about my experience, and will look back on it all and smile. For now though: it's only natural to feel this way. A broken heart takes many years to mend. Here's to crying when I need too and breathing to make it through the day. Thinking of pink, tutus, butterflies, piggytails, and sparkles each day. We miss you more and more each day babygirl!!! 


  1. You will always have moments that bring the pain right back...i hope that with time it does get a little easier to remember Sydney. I don't think your heart can ever heal from loosing a child.... but like you said..you just have to find a way to "breath" or make it through the heartbreak each day. Hugs!

  2. You don't know me, but I know of you. Just wanted you to know that I think about Sydney, you, and your family every day and pray for you. I pray that someday...somehow you will find comfort. God decided he needed your precious little girl with him for a reason. None of us will ever really know why, but there has to be a reason. Just know that you are inspiring so many people with your strength and courage. You are amazing. Xoxo