Mickey and Minnie

Sydney you are touching the world one day at a time!! I hope that someday everyone will know your amazing, spunky, and outgoing personality. Keep on shining baby girl! We miss you so much and love you always and forever.

Sydneys Garden

April showers bring May flowers...mommy promises to make her garden the most beautiful thing you've ever seen! Let's just hope though Lo-Lo doesn't stomp on all the flowers...haha 

I know Syd he will try to help!! Thinking of you always and forever and mommy finds the most beautiful flowers out there.

Reality can be painful

Sometimes I make decisions that I think will be a good choice but then don't understand that there could be an aftermath of feelings that can take over me. Last night I decided to go to a "sprint meeting" at KPMM to thank those lovely girls who have helped so much since Sydney had passed away. I don't often go to a meeting since Shane would work Monday nights, but figured since Shane was home it would be a good opportunity. I picked out some cupcakes, grabbed my twin bestie, and away we went. How bad could this possible be? I can do this I just have to breathe right? I'm still a twin mom right...I say it all the time...or am I really? Will something change?

I walked into the meeting and was greeted with smiles as I knew the girls were happy to see me. I sat down in the room and looked around...huge meeting tonight...oh man what am I going to do? Am I going to beable to sit through this?

As we went around the room everyone talked about their twins and multiples. The pain inside my chest was more than I could handle as I did my deep breathing. Wow...I am not a "twin mom" anymore. I only have one now. Yes, I had twins, but one was taken away from me. I now have a "singleton". Nothing's wrong with having "one" kid at all but it gave me a new perspective as I listened to people talk around the room. There were triplet babies there last night too, maybe if I hold one it will subside the pain...that baby smiled from ear to ear but still didn't  fix the pain in my heart. 

As the meeting started to end it was my turn to introduce myself. This was the first time I would have to introduce myself as Heather who "had twins" and "lost one." Talk about a reality check for me. The knife was so sharp and it stabbed so hard. Most people would ask why I did this so soon, and I would say it's because I have too. This is reality and nothing's going to change, but man is it painful.

As the meeting ended I was greeted by so many people, which helped the wound that they couldn't see. I put my brave face on and thanked everyone. This is my new reality I said and I will be Brave and Strong. 

Driving home it hit me. Yes I will "always be a twin mom", but when reality sets in I actually am not. Once a twin mom always a twin mom yes...but in this given moment last night when I sat there with all other mothers who "had two or three kids" I was not one of them at this given time.

I don't regret going to the meeting at all and thank those amazing ladies for all they've done and continue to do. Life is not easy and reality is painful. I know I'll go to another meeting another time, but not sure just when. Time will heal the pain, and my hope is that the pain will subside over time. I will be strong and get through this. I will make a difference in other peoples lives, and will love my "twins" forever. I will love and hold Logan each day, and will remember, and still love Sydney up in the sky. 

She was perfect...just perfect

I would do ANYTHING ANYTHING to have her back!! Life is not fair at times. I ask myself why each day as I sit here and write about my little girl each morning? She was perfect just perfect. If only I knew why maybe the pain would subside a little eachday. One step forward...two steps back..and that is ok!! I miss you so much Syd...so much!!!! Mommy wants you to know that...hope your dancing around in your tutu, laughing up a storm in the sky, and showing your spunky side to everyone you meet.

Converse for Everyone

Yesterday was another busy day for us. From playgroup to errands and another birthday party we made it through. We survived another birthday party where it was the first time people would see you as a family of 3 and not a family of 4. I'm getting better at talking about the situation and showing people that we are going to be alright; however, not letting others know it stings inside. 

All was well until we went to visit Syd on the way home. I wanted to go put a pinwheel at her area, while Shane sat in the car with Logan. I stood back and asked Shane if this was a good spot, and pushed it in the ground. Syds area is starting to be covered with lots of mementos that others have left and we have left. From bows to pink flowers, and  butterflies you sure know which one is hers if you knew Sydney.

As I walked back to the car Shane started to cry which made me start to cry. No one wants to see your husband crying. I asked Shane why he was so sad. He said were not suppose to be here why do we have to be here? The pain took over me and I couldn't stop crying. He was right why were we here? Why do WE have to visit our daughter at a cemetery everyday? Why do we have to worry about what needs to go in her area and will it blow away or break? These are the questions that won't be answered. 

As we drove home I spit out all the bad emotions and just said to Shane we were going to be alright. This is not what we had planned, and this is our new life for now. Do I like my new life now...no I miss Syd and would trade anything to have her back.

When upset I told Shane I couldn't go back to the cemetery with him...that was a lie. Shanes my parter for life and even though we never ever thought we'd have to go through this we have each other. 

Today's a new day and we move on. As a family of 3 we will continue to all wear our chucks in support of Syd. Anything to remind us of the beautiful Spunky Syd that she was. Today and everyday we thank everyone who sees things that remind them of Syd big or small. She was an amazing little girl and as always her spirit will live on!!!!!

Memories on the shelves

Yesterday the finishing touches were made to Logans big boy room!! I know that Sydney isn't physically here but wanted her twin bond with Logan to continue and live on forever. Logan will grow-up and remember his sister and his "twin" forever. No matter what anyone says I believe that the twin bond is strong and that Sydney is with Logan every day. 

Papas here

Today is my dad(Michael from West Boca   As many people know him) and Sydney and Logans Papas Birthday.

As many of you know my parents had moved to Florida when the babies were around 5months. Most people would not understand but I found myself to accept that they had moved and I was going to visit and they were going to visit us. I was going to be ok.

Sydney and Logan were my fathers world. He would try every day to FaceTime them to say Hi! Logan would always wave and say Papa and make him smile, but then there was Sydney. She would alway want to see the IPAD first but then when my dad would say Sydney say hi to Papa she would say, "NaNa". No my father would say...say Papa Nana is not here. She would smile and laugh, because I secretly knew that she thought it was funny!

Back in October we had the chance to take the twins to see my nana, papa, and great nana Bella. That was the best thing we did. 

It makes me sad that my dad doesn't get to see Syd anymore and that he has lost his granddaughter. I'm lucky that he still has Logan but it hurts like everything else at times. 

At times my dad can be a little quirky but I believe it's the comical relief that is needed. I'm glad my dad got to spend time with us during the most hardest time of my life; however, It breaks my heart that he had to say goodbye so soon.

Today we will FaceTime my dad together as a family of 3, and I will know that Sydney will be there in spirit...smiling, and asking where is NaNa to make my dad smile.

Happy Birthday Dad! We Love You 

Ne-Ne the Penguin

Last time we went to the Aquerium was a year ago on Sydney and Logans 1st birthday. They loved it there. A year later we were back now as a family of 3 with Logan. As we looked at all the fishies and  walked through the aquarium my heart felt ok. Logan was happy so I was happy. 

When we got to the gift shop my smile got bigger: Logan met Ne-Ne the penguin.

I handed Logan many stuffed animals that I thought he would want: a turtle, a shark, a big fish, or a lobster. Logan would shake his head "No". Well maybe he doesn't want anything I said to Shane.  Just as we were about to leave I saw her: a penguin sitting on a shelf with a pink bow in its hair and a pink sparkly tutu on. Logan do you want this one. His response: Ne Ne!!! 

His face lit up as he held this penguin. We took Ne-Ne the penguin home and she hasn't left Logans side. He ate dinner with her and took her to bed. There's something about this penguin that makes me smile. It's the little things that put a smile on my face. I hope the penguin stays with us forever, but if not I know Ne-Ne is still here everyday looking down on us and smiling. Here's to a great day yesterday, as the sun was shining and Ne-Ne was with us.

Those we love don't go away...

Another day goes by and it seems to get harder and harder! Reality has set in and a new sense of normalcy has started. There are moments when I think of Syd and know she would be so proud of me. I'm trying to be the best mommy for her still and Logan. I really miss her more than anything and would trade the world to have her back. 

I can't believe the amount of signs I see, which take the pain away at times. It could be the little butterfly that flew passed Logan and I as we walked, or the little girl that walked down the street with a tutu on and a bow. 

All this helps but never will replace the pain. These last few days are bumps in the journey, and I will make it through. Sydney would want me to be a fighter and push through. I'll do my best to fight the pain, and be the best mommy I can be. Here's to another day where I take a deep breath and put one foot in front of another.

Love you Sydney!!! Please know Mommy is doing her best ⭐️

Broken heart

I remember a good friend telling me that at any moment something might set me off that reminds me of Sydney. It could be a song she used to like or a toy; just something that reminded me of her.

Yesterday my friend was right. We were driving in the car and one of the Elmo songs came on that Logan always listens too in the car. The song hit me like a ton of bricks, as I went to change the song another one reminded me of her and the tears just started to come. Let me try the radio I thought, and of course here comes the "breakup" music on all the stations. Are you kidding me I said outloud? The pain hurt so bad, my chest hurt so bad. It's the broken heart feeling again that will only mend over time. 

I stopped myself from really crying to much as I was driving the car. I told Shane that the pain at times is awful as I try to breathe and work through it when it happens. I wonder why? Why us? Why Syd? She was just perfect...why would this happen to our beautiful family?

The pain stings at times as I try to make sense of it all. To me life is not fare. What is the reason for this all? I guess only time will tell...right?

Walking around yesterday I saw how much fun Logan was having; that helps, but at times it doesn't fix it. I have to now walk through places looking at the "little girl things." I say to myself, "Syd wouldn't have liked this place she would have been scared" to make myself feel better that she's not here.

At the end of the day reality sets in. She's not coming back ever. The signs are always there but she is not. Her presece is missing and that will never change. I will be strong for her, Logan, and Shane; however at the end of the day my heart is broken. 

I'm not only a mother now but I hold a new title: "a bereaved mother". I hope no one ever feels this pain, and that time will heal. I will heal, and be that mother who will make a difference in rememberance of Sydney. I will stand tall years from now talking to others about my experience, and will look back on it all and smile. For now though: it's only natural to feel this way. A broken heart takes many years to mend. Here's to crying when I need too and breathing to make it through the day. Thinking of pink, tutus, butterflies, piggytails, and sparkles each day. We miss you more and more each day babygirl!!! 

You've got a friend in me

Today I'm thankful that I got to witness such an amazing bond. I am so lucky that Logan will always have that connection to his Ne-Ne! Sydney may be gone but I PROMISE will never be forgotten!!!

Sydney is everywhere and will continue to be with us everyday!!

 #sydneyssparkle

Missing the Sparkle

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Sydney. Although it gets a little bit easier each day to talk about her it still hurts really bad. I've lost "my little girl" and daddy has lost "daddies little girl" 

The pain when I think about her being gone still stings really bad as the reason is unknown. Time will heal and my heart will heal over time. 

For today I power through with the broken heart, and enjoy my family of 3. Today I will smile as Logan laughs, and giggles, and enjoy our day today. 1month ago my heart was broken and today I feel the pain more thenever but choose to power through and smile when I think of her!! We love you baby girl!!

Our jobs are amazing

Yesterday I decided to go back and visit my amazing job and colleagues that I work with. If you don't know already I am an elementary guidance counselor at the Woodrow Wilson School. I am so lucky to have an amazing job and work with such amazing people; before Sydneys passing the love I had from my job was amazing, but since her passing words can't even describe the amount of support  that I have received. It's to big to even describe.

I decided to go back to visit yesterday and knew it wouldn't be easy. My heart pounded as I walked through the door. I don't know why I was so nervous, maybe because the last time I was there everything was "normal" and now my whole life has been turned upside down? I also wasn't sure what the kids would say to me. I did my best to waive to some kids, and gave as many hugs as I could as I walked into the building.

It's hard to present myself in a new light as a month before I was probably one of the happiest people in the school who would walk up and down the hallways and make sure to say hi to everyone. It was my job to make people happy, and wave  to them; how this role had turned around so quickly is hard to see.

This was my time to see all my coworkers who I love so very much. It gave me a chance to hug each of them again, and explain a little of what happened that night and how we've all been. They care so much about me, Shane, Syd, and of course Lo-Lo.

The amount of support that I continue to receive is amazing. I can't say it enough. How lucky I am to have a job like this. I have a second family and it's at the Wilson School. 

A tradegy like this hits home very hard to people, but also brings people closer. I know when I'm ready that my co-workers will be there with open arms waiting for me to come back. It's only natural for me to have a pit in my stomach when that day comes, but as people say, "you'll know when your ready".

Today I just wanted to thank everyone again at the Wilson School for all they have done, did yesterday, and still continue to do. I also want to take a second to Thank Shanes job, because we are so lucky so lucky to have such an amazing group of people where he works to help us as much as they have.

Shane and I both have second families and it's nice that we can call them our jobs. How lucky are we to wake up and feel the love from our two professions.

Here's to going back to work sometime and feeling the love at our jobs!

Get your sparkle on

Pink...sparkle...bows...look Shane more pink...I need it all...its Sydney everywhere!

Shane: "How about we spray paint all the walls in the house a pink sparkly color?"

Me: OMG really Shane that would look amazing! There would be pink sparkles everywhere 

Shane: I'm kidding. Settle with the 3 pairs of pink shoes you just bought. Those should be fine for now!!'

I can't help but laugh out loud this am as I write this because everything I see pink now, with a bow, something that glitters, or sparkles I want and need to have. I need to stop at times and ask myself if I really need it, and if not a picture of it might be sufficient enough. That's what Pinterest is for right :)

Today I will get my sparkle on. I will chose my black sparkly shoes or my pink converse like Sydney used to wear. I will try to put a smile on, and let the world see Sydney through my eyes. Each day and everyday moving forward I will see the sparkle. One month down a life time to go to remember my sweet baby girl. Bring on the glitter and the pink, because you can never have enough sparkle in your life.

If your happy and you know it

Since the night Sydney had passed away Logan was in our room in his crib. This was difficult because both Logan and Sydney were great sleepers and had a great night routine. Shane and I knew that it was very important to get Logan back into his new room, a big boy room that he could call his own. Shane and I had finished his big boy pirate room last week. Since last week we moved Logan back into his room. To be honest this was scary on more than one part. Was he going to be ok on his own? How many times would we check the monitor, and will he sleep?

Since we moved Logan back last week he's had some good and bad nights. I believe the little guy is waking up with little night terrors. He will wake up at times and cry, and then unfortunately call "Ne-Ne" followed by "Ma-Ma" and "Da-Da". We would bring Logan into our room and comfort him.

Last night however was a different scenario. Around 1:00am Logan woke up crying, Shane went into the room to console him. As Shane was rubbing his back the song, "if your happy and you know it started to play" Shane brought Logan into our room and said, did you hear that? I said yeah...where did the music come from. Before I could ask Logan anything he fell asleep. I decided to get out of bed and look in Logans room. I don't know why I was scared, but I was. Where did that music come from? I went through every toy and then made my way to the books. The only thing that played that song was an Elmo book when you pressed a certain button. This book was tucked in the corner. Was Sydney trying to comfort her brother when she knew he was upset, or is she present in Logans room at times, which is waking him up, and making him cry. I will never know;however, what I do know is that this am when Logan woke up I asked him who woke him up last night and he had said, "Ne-Ne". Coincidence I don't belive so at all! Sydney is in this house and is trying to be recognized. In fact she is everywhere we go. I just get a little nervous that Logan is being affected, but not in a bad way. I can't see Sydney, but feel bad that I can't help Logan as he might see her. I guess this is just a part of the twin bond that lives on forever. Logan is doing as great as he can. He is in a routine and is getting all kinds of love from family and friends. Today and every day we think of Syd. My hope is that she is singing "If your happy and you know it" in the skies above, because I know that was her and Logans favorite song. Today I'll smile and play that song, because Sydney would want me to be happy and enjoy life today. That is what I'll try to do today for her and everyday that follows.

Stepping into Sydneys Legacy

As many of you already know I am trying to take every measure possible to create a legacy for my sweet baby girl! Life is just not fair and I lie awake every night asking myself, "why"? It just doesn't make sense to me. 

I want the whole world to know about Sydney. I want the world to experience the love and laughter like I did every day, and especially the twin bond. I want to share pink bows with people and have everyone wear a pink bow in rememberance of Syd, or drop an occasional hashtag: pink, tutu, sparkle, or bows. It might not be every day and might slow down over time, but it's my job to spread the word about Sydney, her brother, and our family each day.

First step: write a letter to the Ellen show. Now I know that Ellen loves to dance so I figured it would be a win-win situation if she could read about her legacy. Maybe she won't beable to read it, or won't have time; all I know is I tried and sent a few bows along the way. As I wrote up my letter on hotpink paper, placed it 

in a hotpink envelope, and sprinkled a little sparkle in there I had completed the first step. Sending Sydneys legacy to California.

A few of my best friends tell me to make lists, and that's what I try to do everyday since I want to do so many things. Life lesson I learned last night as I almost gave myself an Anxiety attack is to never try to make a collage of pictures of Syd and Logan alone. The anxiety rose and the tears started to fall as reality had set in. It was so normal before to make a shutterfly book alone, but this time was so different. After scrolling through 300 pics from 18-24m I couldn't wrap my head around why this happened? Why Sydney...she was just perfect in every way. 

I'd like to send a special shoutout to the support system that I have. To the ones that stop what there doing, and help me breathe through it all. Whether it's 9:00am or 2:00am I know I can count on them. Here's to creating a legacy, lasting memories, and thanking all those amazing friends who have turned into family💕💟💕⭐️

🎀💕💟🌟#whatfriendsdo #solucky

Cherish Every Moment

Every day since Sydney has left us Shane and I make it part of our routine to go visit Sydney. If you were not able to see where Sydney is she is right in the front row of the cemetery. I know Sydney looks over others as they drive by, looks at the kids across the street at the school, where Logan will be going, and waves to the the town police officers as they drive by and pay respect to her.

Each day that we go see her it gets harder and harder. Some days I might drive by a few times, or will pull up and get out to say hello to her.

It's so difficult to do this. As I walk up to her beautiful spot and straighten out the Minnie and Mickey stone, or place a new plant down it just doesn't seem real. Why has this happened...this is just not fear. As a mom I shouldn't be straightening out a rock on her area, but straightening a bow in her hair instead. 

It's only normal for the pain in my heart to out weigh the strength that I have each day. As I sit here this am with a tear down my face I take a deep breath and fight the pain. Logans sitting next to me watching the IPAD which makes me smile and my heart to feel a little better.

Today might be a rough day and it's ok to have those. I miss her so much and would trade anything to have her back in a flash. The best that I can do as Sydneys mom is to just think of her beauty. Think about those lashes, and that bow, which at times was bigger then her head.

 Life isn't fair at times, and doesn't go at times as you planned. Cherish every moment and take one day a time. I know that Sydney wouldn't want it any other way as she is probably dancing around in a tutu, as the sparkles fly in the sky.

Sending a smile

Yesterday was hard in so many ways. To go back to a place that would have been celebrated for Sydney and Logans birthday was hard. I've said it before and I'll say it again...I do it for Logan. The smile on Logans face yesterday was priceless, and the support from others that really know me and always ask how I am that helps. The support from people that new Sydney and came up to me and said, I put piggies in for Syd, or look Heather Minnie is here for Syd. Those are the people that help me get through. 

Not everyone knows what to say sometimes silence is only natural; however, it's the little things that might not make you think that helps me day by day. Some people might think if I ask her how she is will that make her upset? If I call or text her to much will she get annoyed? How about if I post a picture or hashtag for her or Syd. The answer is no. I can never receive to much support. That's what gets me by. I belive that people are thinking of us all the time. As people say, "she is everywhere". People think of Logan and want to make sure he is alright and how he is day by day.

There's not enough time in the day to thank everyone who helps us.Some people don't want a thank you or don't expect you to thank them back, because that's just what a friend does.

It's the little things that make a difference and the simplest things that make someone smile. Today smile at someone you might not even know, or say hello to someone that you might pass in the street. The littlest things can make someone's day so much better.

Sydney mommy misses you more than anything and I want you to know that I think of you all the time every second of the day. I hope as I'm writing this, you are dancing in the sky, singing to Elmo and trying to not wrip out that hairbow or piggies. Mommy loves you baby girl, and know that someone out there is always thinking of you, mommy, daddy, and Lo-Lo ⭐️💕#itsthelittlethings #sendasmile

 

How's Lo-Lo?

One of the first things that Shane and I thought of after Syd has passed was, "how are we going to tell Lo-Lo" what are we going to do with him?

The day after Sydney had passed we sent Logan to daycare. He goes to a homedaycare where he is familiar with his friends and it's small enough that he can get the attention that he needs. When he got home he came home with a butterfly picture, and walked up and down the hallway saying, "where Ne-Ne go."

As the days went on he would look around and ask for her. As parents we didn't no where to begin, so we decided to tell Lo-Lo that Ne-Ne was up in the sky and to blow kisses to her. I've reached out to a lot of places for Logan as to what else I should do. Most places say that he's to young, or he might not understand. I disagree...he totally knows and understands. He's smart, and he's a twin.

Shane and I do our hardest to grieve ourselves but also help him. Every morning he likes to look at videos and pictures of him and Syd. He hasn't asked where Ne-Ne went in a few weeks, but references her all the time. I honestly believe that she's with him at times or he can see her when we can't. 

The saddest part for us is to watch that emptiness in the backseat of the car. I notice that at times he stares out the window and just is quiet. What is he thinking? To be inside to be inside of the mind of a 2 year old.

Yesterday we drove by to see Sydney as we do this everyday. We rolled down Logans window and we told him to blow Ne -Ne a kiss in the sky... and that he did. Followed by a wave and saying, bye bye Ne-Ne. 

It breaks my heart at times, but it's our job as parents to remind him of his twin and to not stop life. We have to be strong for him and that's what Syd would want.

We took Logan for the first time yesterday to a parent and play group. This was extremely hard for me, but it was something I had to do. Logan had a blast and was smiling from ear to ear. I was smiling on the outside as I snapped pictures, but beneath that smile was pain. Syd would have been in this group, and I had to look at all the other little girls in the group. I'm just being honest and I believe it's only natural to have that pit at times when you see another child that could resemble Syd; however I just move forward. We then took Logan out to abother Party where he had fun again. People asked questions to me, or they would look at me and wisper privately to others. I'm sure people don't know what to say and mean well.

After people hear my story and how im doing at that moment they start to feel better. I'm getting out there because of Logan, because it wouldn't be right if I didn't. Today we're off to another party one that is very close to us. It's our first multiple party and its at the same place were we were going to have Syd and Logans Bday. I've been asked many times if I'm going, and continue to say the same thing. Yes...I have to for Logan. He can't miss out. I'll walk through that door put a smile on my face and let Logan enjoy. I know that Syd would be there in spirit as I hope I see a sparkle or a piece of glitter somewhere to remind me of her. Here's to a great day today where Logan can have another fun day, remember his sister, and be with many friends.

Lo-Lo loves you Ne-Ne

Never give up

It's hard to wrap my head around the reason "why" Sydney was taken from us so soon. I'm sure there will never be a good enough reason that I can comprehend; however, I believe it's my job to fufil Sydneys Legacy. It's my job to advocate for her, to share the love she had for her brother, to tell people how amazing she was and instil that sparkle in everyone's eyes that she has or has not met. As her mom I grin ear to ear of how beautiful she was inside and out: those cheeks, those lashes, her spunkiness, and that giggle that could light up the room. All that taken away to fast...my job to spread the love that she gave us, and her twin brother.

Yesterday was a huge turning point in this tradegy that has hit our family hard. It was the first time that I stood up for Sydney and was able to tell her whole story from start to finish. If you don't know the legistics it's a pretty long story; to sum it up let's just say that the ER experience wasn't the best. I mean the ER isn't my choice of a place Id want to be most nights but it happened.

As I sat at a long table yesterday with support from an amazing family friend and Sydney from above it was my job to advocate for her and other families. I was going to help others and make sure things would never unfold like they did that night again on the 19th.

As I was done speaking for a good 45 minutes(no notes again) I left the room shaking. Not that I was nervous,but my body had a sense of relief. It was releasing the negative toxins that I had bottled up in me from the night of her passing. I was so proud of what I had said and so proud to be Sydneys mother. I know Sydney was watching over me and if Logan was old enough to watch he would be too. I might be outgoing at times or loud, slightly embaressing; however, at that moment I was brave and proud to be a mother.

Today's message is to never give up, always always stand up for what you believe in. Stand tall, and never take "No" for an answer unless you want too. Yesterday was dedicated to the sparkle in the sky and her amazing brother that I love so much. It's about being a mother , and doing what you need to do to make things right. Thanks Syd for looking out for mommy I know there was a hidden sparkle in the room. ⭐️⭐️⭐️🎀#nevergiveup #standup 

Listen to the music

I'm not sure where Sydney got her signature dancing moves from? I know Shane is a good dancer, but I definitely struggle with a little rhythem. Sometimes when you dance you just hear the music and let your body do your thing. At times it may look a little silly but it's all about having fun.

Sydney loved music from every song that was put on the radio to every tutu and dancing shoe she wore. As her mother I couldn't wait to put her in dance class. I dreamed of watching her little booty stick out as she twirled around in a little tutu. I'm not going to lie it did go through my mind that she would be the one that would scream out my name ,"mama look at me" during her first recital. She definitely was her momma as when I was 3 I stood up in the middle of my first recital and said, "mama I have to go potty". As my mother said to me the sense of embaresssment had set in at first, but then she was proud...I was her daughter and anything I did even if it embaressed her at first would make her proud. 

As Logans mom I might cringe at the fact that he might scream outloud, maybe he will yell during his first sports game, or pick his nose in front of a whole croud, who knows... All I know is I'm proud to be his and Sydneys mommy.

Today listen to the music, let your kids be silly, take a pic of that embarrassing moment, and just dance if you need to. At times we just need to let ourselves go. As many people know Sydney never held back. She didn't care who heard her, and would stop what she was doing, and shake her booty to any music she would hear. Stop and listen to the music today...smile...and just dance. 

Twin Bond

Today I was just about to finish my blog on the twin bond when Lo-Lo called my name and I hit the delete button. At first I wanted to scream because it was all gone, but then just laughed because if you have twins or know someone that has twins situations like this happen all the time. You got one kid pulling you one way and the other another way. 

The twin bond could be talked about forever as the memories are created overtime. It's been 3 weeks since Sydney has passed away. I replay the tradgic night over and over again with every detail possible. I remember coming into my now house of 3 and thinking how am I going to tell Logan, and how will he be without his Ne-Ne? 

Even though Logan and Sydney were boy/girl twins they were similar in so many ways, which include their long lashes, personalities that can light up the room, and constant love for each other .

Both kids are a combination of both Shane and my personalities. Logan is more Shane though with his easygoing personality, cuddly side, and comical side. Sydney was my mini-me. People would say wow Heather she is so you. Maybe it was her spunkiness, the little diva in her, her love for dancing and being in the spot light at all times that brings out me...to name a few :)

Since Sydney has passed away I believe that she has left a little piece inside of Logan. He now has a little more spunk to his step, can talk in 3-4 word sentences, and continues to light up the room with his smile and personality. At times its hard to look at Logan because I see Sydney right there. 

Every morning Logan asks for the IPad and wants to look at pictures of Syd before he watches Frozen for the 1000time. Today I started to cry when Logan put on the flipagram video. I was sad because I just miss her so much, and hope that Logan remembers his twin for a lifetime. I am so thankful for the memories that I was able to capture on my phone (over 2000 pics and 100 videos) that captured the twin bond.

If anyone ever tells you to stop taking pictures or you don't need to capture that silly moment that just happened(maybe pudding all over the place) just snap the camera. Creating that memory is so important.

I will continue to remind Logan each day how remarkable his twin Sydney was. As I've said since the beginning: the twin bond will live on forever. Ne-Ne will alwasy be a part of Logan and will live on forever. 

April Showers

I should have known yesterday was going to be a little rough when I looked outside and the rain was pouring down. Can't have it be sunny every day but there is something about the rain and a gloomy day that can really set you off. 

I had trouble understanding the "Y" yesterday. How come our family? How could anyone take away something so precious to someone? Why now...9days short of her 2nd birthday?

The unknown is something that can't be explained to me right now and truthfully I believe I will never know. What's the plan, and what's the next chapter of my life? I've talked to many people so far and try to explain myself or make sense of what has happened. Of course I'll have bad days, where I want to just be sad and not move; however, there's something that pulls me through. The love and support of family and friends, or the smile that lights up the room of Lo-Lo "aka brotha" to "Ne-Ne"

I guess I'll never know why now but can stick with the fact that I can't give up. I have to be a mother, a wife, and a friend. Although I might not have a smile every day and the weather might be gloomy at times I can reassure myself and others that I will try to get up each day and move forward one day at a time, and if it's hard I know I can lean on many people including my amazing support system to help me through. May the twin bond live on forever!!!