My little girl

I could say it over and over again...Sydney was just perfect! To be honest at times when I see other little girls it does make my heart drop as I wonder...why Sydney? Why take something so perfect away from her mommy, daddy, and Brotha who loved her so much! 

People often wonder if it's too much for me to be around little girls at times. It's definitely a mixture at times, but I do better when people recognize how hard it's going to be for me. It's not easy, but I want to know, see, and be involved, because Sydney is not here!

Lots of bows, lots of pigtails, tutus, and glitter to go around! Sydney will always be remembered every day! She was a perfect little girl, whose spunkiness could light up any room. May her sparkle live on, shine bright, and touch everyone around her!! Sydney will ALWAYS leave a little sparkle wherever she goes....ALWAYS!!!

 

She was just perfect!!!

I remember saying to Shane when we moved to East Bridgewater that I loved the small town atmosphere, and how it will be perfect to live in such a small closenit communiy. Who knew almost 3 years later that my community has come together, reached out, and embraced the sparkle and shine of Sydney.

Since Sydneys passing many people have reached out to us. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it; I actually love it!!! There's something about being able to share and talk about something that is so amazing that would make anyone feel proud. Talking about Sydney comes easy, because she was just "perfect". Her smile, laugh, and spunkiness could light up any room.

 Most of the time I get angry inside, because she was so perfect; I don't understand why she is gone, or why this happened to our perfect family? I'm not sure I have that answer yet, and might not ever, but it's the impact, and the passion, that I have each day to talk about my baby girl.

Yesterday I was given the chance to meet a sweet older lady in the community. She had heard so much about Sydney and myself that she wanted to meet me. This lady had said that I was such an inspiration and that I'm so strong. She listed off about 5-8 people in town who have met me, and all have said the same things- you are so strong, and so amazing as Sydneys mom. When people ask me how do you do it; the answer is just pretty simple. She was just amazing...I feel so blessed as her mommy to talk about her everyday. She was just like me- my mini me.

This is only the beginning and things take time. I am so proud to not only be Sydneys mommy but Logans too. By the time Logan gets older I hope that Sydneys legacy will evolve. I hope that Logan will beable to talk about his twin sister, and be just as proud as his mommy and daddy are. 

Overtime I hope that people will get to see the sparkle, learn about Sydney and her story, and embrace the love and the passion that we have for our beautiful daughter and family. Here's to another day when the sparkle lives on. Miss you Sydney and hope you are so proud of your mommy!

Lots of Pink and Sparkles

A girl can never have enough sparkle or pink in her life!!! Sydney was filled with so much love, joy, and sparkle. We are so lucky that people can see Sydneys sparkle and are always thinking of her. There are signs of Sydney everywhere and my hope is that people will always remember that sparkle whether it's big or small. Thank you to everyone who reaches out when they see a sign of Sydney. It doesn't fix the broken heart, but can temporarily mend it!! Sparkle on baby girl sparkle on!!!

New pink door!!!

Just the right amount of sparkle 

Just smile

We do our best to remember those who are gone no matter how hard it is. Even though Sydney is not here with us; we remember her, and make it known that she is still here with us everyday! 

Mommy: Logie whose truck is that?

Logan: It's Ne-Ne Truck

Mommy: yes it's Ne-Ne lets get her in the picture too 

 

It's ok to be angry

Each morning when I blog I feel like I can be honest and let people know how I really am feeling- without any judgment. Today I'm not embaressed to write that I'm very angry! My heart aches and the feeling I have inside is unimaginable. It's just not fair. I do understand the stages of grief and how there are many ups and downs; and that I'll feel differently everyday, but something started to bother me last night and this morning as I write. 

I am so angry that something so perfect, so amazing, was taken so fast from us! Sydney was just perfect. How could this happen to us? I'd love to travel back to the picture above when we were doubly filled with so much love.

It's important for me to know that Sydney has an amazing support system. There are people out there who look up to us and really admire the strength that we have; however, I wish I didn't have to be in this situation. I wish I could just hold her one more time. Today I will take deep breaths, and know it will be a hard one, and as far as tomorrow goes who knows. The good thing about my blog is that I can be honest, and let it out there. Thank you for all those who give the love and support we need. Baby steps- one day at a time as we "sparkle" on.

Ne-Ne and Brotha

Many people who don't know us will ask, " does Logan get it" " does he know his twin is gone?" We not only have to worry about ourselves grieving but also how Logan is grieving. We are doing our best with Logan to help him through the pain of not having his twin sister with him! We do all we can to have him remember the twinbond: look at pictures, videos, talk about her, and even visit her at the cemetery. 

Yesterday was the first time that Logan got out of the car to see Sydneys area since the funeral. Everytime we drive by to see her Logan will say, "bye bye Ne-Ne" and blow a kiss to the sky. This just melts our heart when he does this. 

Logan got out of the car, walked over to Sydneys area with his bubble-wand and started to explore her items that surround her area. We wernt sure what he was going to do, but just wanted to give him the chance to see.

It's so hard so hard to know that he's missing his twin. I've done my best to keep him busy with other kids, so he always has someone to play with. At times when I see other twins or siblings playing together it breaks my heart for Logan, because I don't know if he really knows something is missing. 

All I know is Logan is such a good boy, he is filled with lots of love, and carries a piece of his twin sister with him everyday. He will always have that bond, which will never be forgotten. We will continue to talk about Sydney, and when he gets older he will be proud to say, "he had an amazing twin sister" who is leaving a sparkle wherever she goes!! Let the twin bond carry on forever!

Just having fun

Another great day yesterday that was celebrated with friends and family; however, my heart started to hurt more yesterday. Yes we were having so much fun, but deep down inside as people would mention Sydney I knew that my heart was aching. I thought back to last Memorial Day when my heart was "doubly filled" and there was no pain in my heart. I remember laughs, smiles, and the joy of having two perfect twins.

Flash forward to yesterday where things are much different and my heart is broken. I tend to say my heart aches a lot because it does. When I watch Logan play with others I have mixed emotions: does he realize he's missing his sister?  Does he mind playing by himself at times? The combination of missing Syd and worrying about Logan definitely takes a toll on the inside.

Although the heartaches we do our best to make new memories. I don't regret anything and have as much fun as I can with my little man: why not jump in a pool with my clothes on? why not swing on the swing set , or jump in the bouncy house? When I'm in the moment I don't think that I'm making new memories. These new memories will help the heart heal and help me move forward.

Take time to make a new memory, laugh, have fun, and take chances. Here's to a new day! Happy Memorial Day Everyone

Enjoying the little moments

Memorial Day Weekend- A time for friends and family to get together enjoy the sun, good food, nice weather, and the official start of summer. Last year Memorial Day weekend was filled with just that as that as I watched Sydney and Logan enjoy the time we had with friends and family and the twinbond they had with each other.

Fast forward to one year later! I'll be honest and say I would never ever thought I'd be spending this Memorial Day without my babygirl. It stings like no other to know that a year ago our hearts were doubly filled with love as we enjoyed good friends and time together. 

This year I will try to do just that. Yesterday we had a nice day filled with friends and family. I did everything I could to enjoy the time that we had together yesterday, laugh with Logan, and smile when I thought about Sydney. Boy do I miss her and wouldn't I do anything to have her piggy tails back again like she had last year. Although it was a hard day I made sure to enjoy the moments with Logan. He had a blast. It's the little moments as he belly laughed so much running around the yard( Syd and Logan had identical laughs that are contagious) that made the day better. Yesterday, today, and days moving forward I've learned to enjoy the little moments; they are far and few in between. Don't forget to take that picture, and enjoy your time together with family, friends that are family, and others that make you happy. Happy Memorial Day Weekend Everyone! This year new memories will be made. 

Sparkle on Sydney Sparkle On

Creating a legacy for Sydney is something that helps me get by day to day! It's the joy I get knowing that Sydneys sparkle is everywhere. Creating a legacy takes time, and hardwork, but I'm determined to let people know about my beautiful, smart, and spunky little girl. Sydney brought so much love to us and others that she met; how could I not want to share that love with others.

Yesterday I came across a few more things for Sydneys garden. Each thing I get adds a special touch to it. After I was finished my phone started to ding: I had got a private message from someone on Facebook. Since her passing many people that I don't know have reached out to me to express there condolences, talk about the blog, and the impact that Sydneys legacy has had on them. I appreciate every single one, and it means so much to get the supprt. 

I just wanted to share one from yesterday in regards to Sydneys Bench. There was something about the words in this message that made my heart feel happy, so proud to be Sydneys mommy, and how amazing it is to know that her legacy is having an impact on others.

****************

Dear Heather,

My two boys attend Central School and today at dismissal we got to run our fingers over Sydney's name on the beautiful,new bench that brings Sydney's sparkle to so many children and adults.

Thank you for continuing to share the joy she brought you with so many. I will always say a prayer for her as I walk by her precious bench.

****************

It's so hard so hard to deal with Sydneys loss everyday. The hurt at times can be overwhelming; however notes like this, messages, phone calls, and constant people reaching out helps. Although her legacy is in the beginning stages I know it will come together overtime. Thank you to everyone who reaches out, sees Sydneys Sparkle, and continues to believe in her legacy each day. Sparkle on baby girl Sparkle on!!!!

Piggies for Syd

Happy Girls Are The Prettiest Girls- Audrey Hepburn

There's not a minute that goes by baby girl that we don't think of you!! I know your smile is shining bright, you got your piggies in your hair, and your dancing in the sky!!

Leaving a little sparkle

Yesterday I had the opportunity to relax and enjoy some "me" time and get a facial that some one gave me. One of the things I hate the most since Sydney passed away is to relax, because once my mind stops for a few all the thoughts come together real fast, and reality sets in. It's hard to let my mind go to a place without thinking of Sydney, but I did my best. 

Once I was finished with the facial I felt like all the negative toxins were released. I got my stuff and walked out, but when I walked out of the room I noticed something. There were sparkle signs everywhere. How did I miss these signs walking in? I stopped in my tracks and said, to the owner, " omg there are sparkle signs everywhere...those are all of Sydney". I was in shock. The owner said, "who doesn't love sparkle". People who work there that I know had said prior that when I came in I was totally going to think of Sydney- and that is what I did! I got in my car to leave and then came back in to take a picture, because that's what I usually do when I see something that reminds me of Sydney!

There are signs everywhere. I believe you can never have to much sparkle around. Now when I go back to this place again I will always smile and think of my baby girl. It sure is tough at times, but for that moment yesterday I saw her shine. Her sparkle is everywhere!!!

Friends that are like family

And in the end no matter a good day or bad I can always count on my friends, and my support system to help me on my way!! We are so so lucky to have so many "friends that are like family"! 

2 months and the sparkle goes on

When Sydney passed away the first thing I talked about with my parents was, "how are we going to remember Sydney, and what can we do to get people to remember her?" My parents decided to dedicate something to the local elementary school in honor of Sydney- they decidated a bench. 

This bench would symbolize Sydneys legacy, would continue to reconize her spunk, and would keep her legacy alive. My hope is that people will look at the message on the bench and remember that "spakle". When I drop Logan off at Elementary School I want to beable to remind him that the bench was for his twin sister, and her legacy still lives on.

Yesterday was a big step in the legacy process of Sydney, as I stood there watching the bench be perfectly placed in the ground I just smiled. This bench was for my daughter, and I got to spread the word about how amazing she was and still is.

I took a step back and took it all in. There will be a small dedication in the next few weeks where myself, and Logan can come see the bench when the area is  done. 

It's not easy not easy at all as today is two months since she has been gone; however, the timing couldn't have been more right for the bench to arrive. Thank you to my parents for letting their grand-daughters legacy shine. It's not going to be easy, but creating one memory at a time will help. I know that Sydney is looking down on us above, and smiling for the bench that is placed in her honor. We miss you baby girl so much and hope your sparkle shines on forever.

It's the little moments

It sure has been a tough few days with highs and lows with more lows then highs; however that is normal. Yesterday I was able to let myself go, spend time as a family, laugh, and enjoy the little things in life. Sydney was definitely on my mind every second of the day, but while watching Logan smile from ear to ear I knew she was there.

It's the little moments that make a difference, and the memories that you are making every second that put a smile on your face. 

One flower at a time

When I think of Sydney I think of bright colors, sparkles, love, happiness, and anything that just makes me smile. As many of you already know I've decided to dedicate an area outside of my house and call it "Sydneys Garden".

Now I've never had a green thumb and the thought of getting my nails dirty kind of wasn't my thing before I lost Sydney; however, things are different now. I've learned to get my hands dirty, dive into the dirt, and make this little place of hers special like she was. There something therapeutic about gardening. I'm making this place special for Sydney: lots of pink, lots of bright colors, and a place where people can drive by and say, "wow that's a beautiful spot for Sydney". Of course I had help from Logan as I wanted him to know how special this place is for his sister. While planting flowers with Logan I noticed two kids drive by on their bikes: I said are you twins and they said yes. I've never seen these kids before and have been living in this neighborhood for almost 3 years; coincidence maybe; however, in my mind I thought "signs of Sydney"- to remember about the twin bond, and to remember about spunky Sydney who could light up any room with her smile, laugh, and personality. Sydneys garden is in full effect...Id like to make it a place where anyone can plant a flower or seed if they'd like. This place is an opportunity to plant memories and watch them bloom. Yes, my nails are chipped today and I have dirt under my nails; however, nothing will change the fact that I'm creating memories...one flower at a time. 

There are good days and bad days

For those that don't know me I'm a very busy person. I am always the type of person who has to go go go, and rarely never relaxes. I've always been like this, and since Sydneys passing I've continued to be like this. I've wanted to stay busy, but secretly for other reasons. I believe I stay busy, because it takes my mind off of the pain, and takes my mind off of the reality that Sydney isn't here.

There are good days and bad days, and I'm lucky that my good days outway my bad; however, lately I realize I'm falling apart, because my body is slowing down. My mind is telling me to rest at times, which can backfire if I'm not prepared.

Since Shanes been back to work it is very very hard on those nights I'm alone. After Logan and I do our nightly routine I have that alone time to myself, which is often not good. To be honest I hate to be by myself at night; thankful that I can pickup the phone and call some of my besties, but honestly at times crying on the phone isnt as good as sitting next to someone face to face, while they just listen. I am so so lucky to have the amazing support system that I have, but at times I put on a front that shows I'm alright, when at times I'm not.

I do the best I can, but as I've learned so far "grief" is a powerful thing that just hits you. It feels good to say that I'm not doing ok, and yes dealing with Sydneys loss is getting harder. Somedays I might need more help then others, and that random message, phone call, or quick drop off might just be the best medicine. It's hard for me to ask for help at times, because I'm the one whose trained to give the help and listen; however, as time goes on I might need to just let myself cry, let it out, and know that I'm being supported 100% by the ones who care and love me and my family the most.

Trying to find the sparkle

Yesterday was a hard day. I woke up in the morning and felt my heartache. I was sad and mad all at the same time. I did what I usually do and get up and power through; however something was different yesterday. As I powered through my morning my heart still was hurting tremendously. I thought to myself about the roller coaster of grief: your body changes from day to day, or even hour to hour. Yesterday I was just upset. I usually get really upset when I stop and think about how "unfair" life really is? Why this had to happen to us, and why something so precious, so perfect was taken away from us!

People ask us if we know why...not yet..we just don't know. They say it takes time, and I'm ok with that, because honestly nothing will bring her physically back to us. I believe that's why I was sad yesterday. The part of not having her back physically that kills me everyday. It's that little moment that I cherish so much, and would do anything to just hold her, and Logan together again. A double trouble hug I would call it!! Nothing is better than a double hug...double the hug...double the love!

Although my heartached so much yesterday I did my best to move forward, find the glitter, and of course the bows. The signs are everywhere and they are seen at the right moment. How about how one of my nails just had a touch of sparkle to it...just enough sparkle that when I looked at it In the light I saw Sydney. What about the new collection at Kohls...Minnie Mouse! If anyone was going to pull this off it had to be me. I tried on bow shirts, to Minnie shorts, and a Minnie dress. The Minnie dress one of course. There was something about the red dress with the bows on it that screamed Sydney. 

It's hard for people to understand how I'm actually feeling; however most people who know me by now just listen and encourage the signs of Sydney. I woke up today with still a broken heart; yet I look at the sparkles, let my heart heal, and take one step forward. It so so hard but I'm trying to let the sparkle shine on.

The heartache

Remembering you is easy I do it everyday; but missing you is the heartache that never goes away

~sayinggoodbye.org

It's hard to explain at times how it just hits you. Your totally fine; smiling, talking, or even just doing something you enjoy and then...bam...your heartaches!! This is out of your control! The pain overcomes you and the tears begin to flow. I miss her so much and would do ANYTHING ANYTHING to just hold you Sydney one more time.

Just believe

One of the hardest things since Sydneys passing is the reality that she is not physically here. It's so hard as her mommy to not beable to just hold her one more time, dress her in a tutu one more time, or even fix her hair with the perfect bow one more time. Although she isn't physically here I do know that Sydney is everywhere spiritually. She's a very busy spunky little girl that wants the world to know that she is still here all the time and everyday.

Last night Shane and I had the most magical experience that confirms that what we BELIEVE is so true!! Sydney is everywhere with us all the time. 

We had the pleasure of meeting with Maureen Hancock last night. I've heard about her a few times before Sydney had passed, but more in a group session. Last night we were able to sit down with just her and what an amazing experience we had. It was so special because we "believe" in the signs of Sydney; we "believe" that everything we've seen: the red truck, Elmo book, butterflies, sparkles everywhere, ne-ne the penguin, the whale; to name a few are true. Sydney is everywhere.

While meeting with Maureen I just let myself go, and as many people know that has been hard lately. It's hard to open my mind, and relax; however, within this moment I was able to. It felt so good to hear that Sydney is smiling down on us everyday, and is especially looking down on her twin brother. The experience was so magical and when we were done I felt this sense of ease at the moment. There was a short moment where the pain I always feel knowing that I can't hold Sydney physically anymore was stopped. As I drove home and talked about the experience with Shane I said," I know Sydney is proud of us, and she sees everything we are doing." I started to cry; not because I was sad, but overwhelmed with emotions.

 Not that I didn't believe before, but believing now is more special. I will look at every detail differently in life moving forward, I will smile when I see one of Sydneys signs, and will embrace the love I feel from Logan, because that is her too.

Everyone is different and everyone believes in something special at times. We know in our hearts that Sydneys Sparkle will live on...it's true...she does leave a little sparkle where evere she goes, and is shining down on us right now!! She's just so special!!!

To Brotha, Love NeNe

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart- Winnie The Pooh.

Sydney loves you so much Logan and the twinbond will live on always and forever in your heart, and ours!!! 

Baby Beluga

Missing Sydney yesterday was an understatement; however the day couldn't have been more perfect. First I brought her some nice pink flowers, then we did swimming lessons with Lo-Lo, went to Mystic Aquarium, shopping, then finished with icecream.

Id be lying if I said there wernt moments that my heart felt heavy; like when we went for icecream at the same place we've been going for two years in a row for Mothers Day. I missed her so much at that moment, but then just looked at Logan and it made it all better. 

Sydney was everywhere yesterday from every place we went there was little touches; especially at the Mystic Aquarium.

Since Sydneys passing I've told many stories of the signs of Sydney, and how I believe she's there, and some people may believe it or think it's a coincidence; however, I'm pretty sure Sydney was a beluga whale yesterday right as we entered the Aquarium.

I couldn't wait for Logan to see the beluga whale yesterday. We hurried over to the big tank where everyone was standing to take pictures. I found a good spot, as it was so crowded, and said Logan look here it comes as the crowd got excited. All of a sudden the whale swam by and then turned around, came right up to the glass where Logan was standing, put its mouth up to the glass, and opened his mouth wide and made this loud sound. I couldn't snap my camera fast enough as the crowd was screaming in excitement. Logan just stood there in aw, but I knew...I just knew that Sydney was the whale. There was something that came over me. It was a sense of relief, and happiness. She was definitely with us yesterday. I turned to Shane and I said, your kidding me right...of all the people the whale could have come up to? I believe and I think that's why yesterday was such a great day!

At the end of the day the realization does hit home as you understand she's not coming back. I would have loved if she could have said Happy Mothers Day like LoLo did; however, she was there in her own way. These are memories that were making, and even though she isn't by my side physically I believe she is everywhere. Mommy believes Syd, and I thank you, LoLo, and daddy for making my Mother's Day extra special.