Moving the blog

Hello Fellow Sparklers,

I'm going to be moving my blog temporarily to word press. I'll have the same name pink1sparkles, but instead of blog spot it will be pink1sparkles.wordpress.com!!!

Thanks for all your support over the last year and a half!

Sparkle On

Heather

Taking a picture

I often have been known to use the hashtag "take a picture" very often since Sydney has passed away.  Time is way to prescious, as I've learned over the last year and a half. Since Maddox has arrived I continue to document, and take a picture pretty much daily. Some might think it's a lot to always have your phone on you, but I often find it so important to capture that moment. I personally can't get back Sydney, but have all those beautiful pictures, and videos that I captured over time. Lesson learned, I'll be taking as many or even more with Maddox and Logan. It's pretty funny, because Logan has learned to love the camera, and will often request a picture. It's important for me to create these memories, and capture the moments that make me happy. I'll continue to snap the camera, and post a picture whenever I can, because life can change at any moment.

This is our story

It's not often that I get to sit down to watch TV. I'll be honest I'm in bed by 8:30 every night, and my TV selection everyday consists of Disney Junior and Nick Junior. Yesterday I actually found myself having a few minutes of alone time. Both boys were resting, and it was quiet time for this mama. Maddox was resting on his boppy, and the Ne-Ne truck was moving all over. The red truck was in full effect. It's actually been moving crazy lately since Maddox arrived. 

I chose to watch the show "This is us", because everyone's been talking about it. I found myself bawling through the first episode. I'm sorry for the spoiler alert, but one of the families ended up loosing a baby at birth. I know the situation isn't the same since we lost Sydney before her second birthday, but the relevance of loosing a child is the same. As the tears rolled down my face all I could think about was Sydney. I looked at the truck,  and away she moved; back and forth around the room. 

Just like the TV show we all have our own lives. Everyone's life is different. Some people go through life events that will change them forever. This is our life daily. We take a step forward each day, because we have to. We have no choice, but to do our best for Logan and Maddox. I'm not sure why life chose this path for us, and may never know. We do all we can to survive, and put a smile on our face. We try to move past the tradgedy that occurred daily. Although our heart aches daily, Maddox's arrival has made all of our hearts feel a little better. We are doing the best we can one day at a time. This is the path we were chosen, and this is our story. 

We are home

Dinosaur outfit check, car seat check, loving family check, and little Maddox check! We were ready to go home. I decided to go home a day early from the hospital, because I wanted to just be home with Logan and start this new baby process. The last few days have been such a high emotionally. I was so lucky to have such an amazing support system inside, and outside of the hospital. The nursing staff was fantastic at the hospital and they did there best to put my nerves at ease. I talked a lot about Sydney the last few days. It was my therapy that I need to help me get by. I knew she was there with us. I mean the sink did go off by itself atleast 3 times a day, and you know I'm always a believer. I look at Maddox and think how lucky I am to see such a resemblance between him, Logan, and Sydney. 

As we walked into our house with a new bundle of joy; my heart was happy. I walked past the red truck that spun around at the gate, and knew that Sydney was here with us. Logan was a big help yesterday, and we survived our first night. One night down, and a lifetime to go. It's not going to be easy, but I'll do my best to take this journey a day at a time. Welcome home baby Maddox!

My heart is just happy

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when Maddox arrived, but truthfully the last two days have been more than I can explain. My heart is just full of happiness, and at this time my fears are put on hold. Maddox is two days old, and has already left a mark that is so special to explain. He's got such a sweet temperament, and looks just like his big brother. I see some similarities of Sydney as she looked liked Logan. I know that she's with him, which puts my heart at ease.

I've also have witnessed the most special bond that will countinue forever for Logan and Maddox. The excitement that Logan has to see his little brother is truelly touching. From talking about his little brother at preschool, to feeding him his bottle yesterday; it's really been a special sight. 

I understand that there will be some rough patches in this journey; however, at this moment I'm going to take the joy that I feel and run with it. Thank you baby Maddox for helping my heart feel so happy. You, your big brother, and your sister light up my world already. 

A new chapter begins

I remember saying to a few of my close friends after Sydney passed away that I really wanted to have another baby, and give Logan a sibling again. Once we found out we were pregnant I was filled with so many emotions. No one was going to tell me how to handle all the emotions that I was going to endure throughout the pregnancy. There were highs and there were lows. Fast forward to today when we meet baby Maddox. The day has arrived, and to be honest living in denial has come to an end. When I say, "denial" it means that I have masked some of the feelings that have hit me so hard lately. The last few days have been filled with laughter, tears, excitement, anxiety, and the unknown. I'm sure all these feelings are normal especially for a grieving mother. Today our life will change again, and I hope more than anything that I can look past the nerves, embrace the beautiful baby that we're bringing into this world, and take one day at a time. This is a new chapter in our journey. Like everyday we will do our best with ups and downs. Thanks for all the well wishes everyone. It's time to meet baby Maddox!!!

First day of preschool

The first day of preschool arrived yesterday, and the emotions ran high for this mama! My baby boy was ready to experience the education world. I knew that Logan was ready to start preschool, but was I really? So many new things have been happening lately that I can hardly wrap my head around them. From a new baby coming on Monday, to Logan starting preschool, and this mama keeping the sparkle alive, it's definitely a lot. It doesn't help that the hormones are in complete overload as I've been thinking about Sydney constantly lately, and wondering what she is thinking about all this change? When Logan woke up at 6:30am yesterday, the first thing he asked was, "when can we leave for preschool momma?" I couldn't help but feel some ease as I smiled and said, "soon don't worry." Logan was so "happy", and was so "excited" to pose for a picture, wear his new Paw Patrol backpack, carry his matching lunchbox , and meet his friends. I did stop and think for a moment how life would have been if Sydney was with him. He's done so well adjusting without her, remembering her, and now becoming a big brother. 

Before we made our way to preschool there was one stop that we needed to make. We had to go to "Sydney's Bench". This was very special for us, as it reminded us that we will never forget her, and that she will always be with him as he travels through school. Logans smile, his energy, and personality lights up my world everyday. He's got a part of Sydney with him, and that comforts my grieving heart.  As we approached the gate to preschool I let go of his hand, gave him a kiss, and watched him walk up those stairs. He was so independent, and ready to embark on a new journey. I couldn't be more proud of the little boy that Logan is becoming. I'm proud of Shane and I for never giving up, and raising such a sweet boy despite all that's happened. Logan had an amazing first day, and my nerves were put at ease. Welcome to preschool Logan mommy and daddy hope you have a great year!!!

Hello September

Hello September!!! It's time to say goodbye to the summer, and welcome the Fall. Things will be changing in about 10 days as our new little one arrives. The days leading up to Maddox's arrival haven't been easy, and from speaking with people that have had a child after a loss; its normal to have these feelings. I was never a mother who worried a lot, and now I find myself freaking out about the "unknown". Can't fix something that you don't know. That's the most painful thing. I'm not sure what answer I'm looking for, but my emotions are all over the place. I have LoLo starting preschool next week, and a new baby coming. I'm finding it harder and harder to let go of the "fear" and focus on the blessing that will fill our family with joy. It's not going to be easy, and I'm sure I won't sleep forever, but expressing my emotions often helps. This will be a September to remember as we take one day at a time,  focus on new beginnings, and always remember. 

Stronger than ever

6 years ago I remember waking up super early, and being full of emotions. I was nervous, but so in love to marry my best friend. Shane and I vowed to stand by each other through thick and thin, and take care of each other when need be. Today as we reach our 6 year anniversary I think to myself how "lucky" I am to have such an "amazing", "caring", and "loving" father and husband by my side. Life as we know it has not been easy, and I'm so thankful everyday that I've had Shane with me. To be honest I'm not sure how we've managed to be so strong after what we've overcome since Sydney passed away. People say that tragedies can break you, but I feel that we needed each other to keep us going. With a new baby on the way within 2 weeks we will definitely hit some bumps; however, we are strong enough to be a little rocky and then bounce back. Today and everyday I'm feel so lucky. I'm not sure what the next year will bring, but I know having Shane by my side will always make it a little better. Happy 6th Anniversary Shane!!!

No shame for this mama

I vowed to write a blog to help others and let them understand what life really looks like for a family who has lost a child. I have no shame in what we have done, and what decisions we have made as a family. I try to keep some things private and other things public, which give a good insight to how I'm feeling. Ever since Sydney has passed away I've tried to get myself back to some "normalcy", but what is normal? When Sydney passed away we had Logan sleeping with us, because we were so nervous of what could happen. Our nerves slowly went away and he was moved into a big boy bed; however, nerves and anxiety slowly came upon us again closer to his third birthday. There were times that we couldn't manage to have him not be with us. Fast forward to 3 weeks before Maddox is going to arrive, and the so called "let's try to be normal" hit us again. I thought it might be time to not worry about Logan sleeping alone as we have a new baby on the way. Total backfire on this mamas part. I listened to what others would suggest, and thought it was for the best, yet when it was actually our reality I almost had a massive anxiety attack, and couldn't stop crying. I ask myself, "why did the man up in the sky have to give us so much to worry about?" It's hard everyday, and especially not easy with a newborn coming into the picture. Last night I thought I was ready to let go of my anxiety, but quickly realized this mama still needs time. No shame in my game as we try to figure it all out. Lesson learned- if you fail try again. Things will take time, and everyone heals at a different pace. 

The sparkles been quiet!

With all the hustle and bustle of finishing things up for Maddox, and getting ready to go back to school I didn't notice until recently that the "sparkle" has been quiet. What does that mean? Well, it means that I haven't seen many signs of Sydney. I walked outside yesterday into her garden, and was pretty disappointed as the weeds have grown on one side, and it's just not up to par as it was last year. It didn't help that it's been one of the hottest summers, and it was very hard weeding her area pregnant. I actually thought that she could be a little disappointed in me? It's kind of a weird thing to think of, but then I justify myself, and say, "she must understand I'm doing a lot". As time has gone on I still look everyday for a sign: a little movement of the red truck, a butterfly flying by, or a comment made from Logan. Life as we know it is going to be changing again, and I hope Sydney knows that "we will never forget her". Im actually hoping that she's holding all her sparkle to come out when Maddox gets here. These feelings are real, and that's why I have to get them out. I am sure there will be a Sydney sign soon, but just want her to know that we are ALWAYS thinking of her. 

Our little family has so much love

Even on the hardest days I try to look back and reflect on how far we have come. What holds us together is the love we have for each other. We are about to embark on a whole new adventure in just a few weeks. The thought of starting all over again is quite terrifying; however, I know with the support from our loved ones, and friends we will be just fine. My little family keeps on going, and will do our best to take it one day at a time. These pictures that we took a few weeks ago wern't easy to do emotionally, but I'm glad that we did them. Thank you Maggie Jill Photography for capturing the beauty of a new pregnancy, and the love that our family has for each other. Life isn't easy as we move on, but I know Sydney would be proud of us. Can't wait to meet baby Maddox in a few weeks!

I'm a lucky mommy

Becoming a mother is probably one of the most rewarding, amazing, and fulfilling things that can happen in your life. As a mother you think the world of your children, and would do anything to make them happy, healthy, and feel safe. 

In today's blog post I just want to express how lucky, and blessed I am to have such an amazing little boy "LoLo" who makes my world brighter everyday. Despite the tragedy that has occurred to our family we try so hard to move on each day. With a new little life coming in a few short weeks it's hard to even invision how life is going to change. Logan is going to be such an AMAZING big brother, and will teach Maddox everything he needs to know. Logan is such a smart, caring, and loving little boy that makes his family smile. Despite losing his twin sister, he continues to show us all that love is still there, he's a fighter, and that Sydney is ALWAYS with us. 

As a mother you get the honor of ranting about your children, and today I took that moment. I'm so lucky that my LoLo is doing well, and will continue to believe that he will be alright. As we continue this new journey ahead we will hold onto the memories, look ahead at the future, and never will forget. 

Rearranging the house

Well we've made it to 34 weeks. A little less that 5 weeks to go before little Maddox arrives. Yesterday was spent "nesting" and rearranging the house to get ready for another little one. I believe at times that I'm a little in denial that we're actually having another little one. Things were moved yesterday, shifted, and donated to make room for baby central again. When the twins were born we pretty much transformed our living room into baby headquarters. It was hard to explain to Logan that his area would now be a little different, and he would have to share again. Like any 3 year old Logan did say, "I don't want to share", but then I explained how he used to share with "Ne-Ne". He looked at me and said, "I'll share with baby Maddox." We are working on a little playroom downstairs for Logan in the next few months, as we want him to have a special place again. 

With every move we made we were thinking of Sydney. This time we tried to rearrange the room differently, and try to make new memories. Change is definitely good for the heart, and the mind. One day at a time as we will always remember Sydney, and start a new chapter of our lives.

Hello August

Well it's now officially August, and that means three things. The summer is officially starting to wind down, I have about 3.5 weeks till I go back to work, and little baby Maddox should be making his arrival within 6 weeks. I'd say that it's going to be a busy month here. I'm very nervous about the arrival of Maddox, and feel myself in denial at times that I'm actually having another baby. I feel him kick and punch all the time, but I'm sure reality won't hit until he's actually in my arms...then what? 

I'm just worried about everything that comes with having a new baby, and  these are really new feelings for me. I was a confident mama to Sydney and Logan, but got ruined when Sydney passed away. I'm working really hard to try my best, and make myself believe that we will be alright. 

As the nerves begin to excel I have to try my hardest to keep going. We have a lot going on this month, and I really want to make it the best for Logan. Life as we know it is going to change again. Big brother status is arriving, preschool is starting, and this mama is starting all over again. Here we go August. I'd like to take it nice and slow. 

Remember the sparkle is being spread

Even though I don't write everyday I still need to remember that her sparkle has such an impact on people that I don't even know. Here is a little post from someone the other day that just found my blog. I appreciate the fact knowing that people still reach out, and keep the sparkle alive. Some days are easier then others as we continue to spread the sparkle one day at a time. 

As always I will continue to sparkle on for Sydney, as she wouldn't want anything else!!!

Who are Ne-Ne's friends?

I feel as parents we've done the best we can explaining to Logan about Sydney's passing. We've taught him about her sparkle, always remembering, and keeping that twinbond alive. It's only natural as Logan gets older that he will have more questions, and we will have to do our best to answer them. Everyday we go to Sydney's area to visit her. It's pretty much the same routine. Logan will roll down his window, and blow a kiss to the sky. He often will talk about his day to her, or sometimes will just be silent. Yesterday, he took me by surprised and asked ," Mama who are Ne-Ne's friends all around her? Do you know them?" 

I needed an answer, and one fast. I tried so hard explaining to him and said, "some people we might know, and some we don't; however, they all are in the sky with her." I could tell that the answer I gave was not the best for a 3.5year old, but was hoping it would stick for now. I know as time goes on Logan will have more questions, and as he gets older it will all come together. For now we just do our best to continue to answer, and always remember the sparkle. 

It was a great birthday

Yesterday was a perfect day to celebrate my birthday. It was filled with well wishes, friends, and family. The day started out at the beach with LoLo and friends, and then ended with a cake and snuggles from my little family. It was a great day. Yesterday I tried to focus on the positives of the day as life can change at any moment. I knew Sydney was watching over us, and probably even had a little party hat on for her mama. Another year in the books, and a new year ahead. Let's see what "33" can bring, as I take one day at a time! 

Keep Sparkling Birthday Girl!!!

Your birthday comes once a year. It's the day that you reflect, remember, and make new goals until your next birthday comes around. What a year it has been! I've laughed, I've cried, I've shared joy, I've shared tears, and I've remembered! What's crazy is to think about how far you've come within a year since your last birthday. What has changed, or what has stayed the same? Life keeps on going, and you can choose to stop in your tracks, or dig a little deeper to make it by each day. I've chosen to dig deeper, even as hard as it is each day. I think back to how far I've come since Sydney has passed, and to be brutally honest I don't know how I've made it this far. Strength from the loved ones who care, support from people I know and never met, and the sparkle that somehow lifts me up each day. 

As I turn "33" today all I can think of is, "what is the next year going to be like, how am I going to take one step forward each day, and what will a new baby bring to the mix?"

I can only hope that the support, and love I have will continue to grow. I will continue to keep the sparkle shining, keep my head up, be a great mommy, and take it day by day. Let's see what "33" has to offer for this mama. Today will be filled with lots of love, laughter, family, and friends. That's exactly what a birthday should be filled with! Happy Birthday to Me!

Always on my mind

Some days I miss you more than others!!!    I often don't understand why, and how come life had this plan for us? Each day that goes by you are ALWAYS on my mind. I see you so much through LoLo, who I know misses you so much!!! Life isn't easy without you baby girl. 

Salem Willows

A lot has changed since the last time we went to Salem Willows. Last time we were there was when Sydney and Logan were only 3 months old. It was one of our summer outings that year. Almost three years later, we finally went back with Logan yesterday. This time Logan was without his twin. On the ride over I talked to Logan about the last time we were there. Logan would make reference to his sister throughout the day, and would say, "the last time I was here I was a baby with Ne-Ne." Logan was very occupied yesterday with food, video games, popcorn, and of course "cousin Sophia" that he loves. It was a great day yesterday with family. I really loved how we talked about Sydney at times, and focused on new memories. We will definitely be back to the Willows again, but next time baby Maddox will be here. Logan can share lots of new memories with him.  

 

Many different feelings all inside

I was going to start this blog with, "you know the feeling when...", but decided that their my feelings, and most people don't understand what's going on in my mind or my heart at times. Friends, family, and others listen, but they can't feel the hurt you physically have. No one actually can take those feelings away and say, "I 100% understand", unless they've been through something exactly the same as you. In this situation I would hope that no one ever goes through what we have endured in the last year and a half. 

I've been up since 4:00am today trying to settle my heart down, and take care of these feelings that have been masked for awhile. The overcoming feeling of bringing a new life into this world again after losing a child is beyond explainable. I'm scared, worried, nervous, happy, and probably a whole bunch of other feelings all jumbled up into one. Will I beable to be the best mother I can be? Can I handle the heartache of losing Sydney and remembering her daily, while also loving Maddox and Logan? Seems like a lot for one person to endure. It's scary that's for sure, and like most days I do get by; however, some are harder then others. Today was one of them. 

Happy 4th of July

Each day, and holiday without Sydney is an adjustment. It's been the second Fourth of July without her, and we tried really hard to have fun and sparkle on. Our July 4th weekend festivities were just perfect. They were filled with family, friends, laughter, sunshine, and a little sparkle that came to visit. Sometimes Sydney will show signs that are very visible to her mommy; however, there are times that Sydney will come through without me even knowing. 

Yesterday that happened. We were all having a blast at the Pace 4th of July Party in the pool when a butterfly flew by. I remember thinking to myself, "Hi Syd" and just carrying on with Logan in the pool. He was quite a little fishy yesterday, and absolutely loves to swim. When I got in the car, and started looking through the pictures in my phone, I realized there was a butterfly with Logan in one of the pictures. Some may say it's a coincidence, but I say, "no". That was her way of joining the  festivities, and letting us know she was there. It was very special. We had a great day yesterday, and amazing holiday weekend.

 

Memories saved in a bench

The project is finally complete, and I couldn't be happier and grateful for a job well done by Shane. The bench that was Sydney's crib was finally completed yesterday, and it was more than I had expected. This project was hard for Shane and myself to complete. Shane had to build it, but I had to put away the memories that will be held close forever. You can't save everything in one spot, but I did a pretty good job of saving things that mean so much to me. Her little red shoes, bows, blankets, letters from her wall, and toys that were her favorite, just to name a few. It wasn't easy, but it is now down, and will be cherished forever. Sydney will forever live on in Maddox's room, and her sparkle will be kept alive by myself, Shane, and big brother Logan. One project done, and a few more to go before Maddox arrives. We are taking one day at a time. 

Goodbye June...Hello July

June was a very busy and emotional month. From the last days of school, to the AMAZING turnout of our First SparkleFest and Tutu Run, and then finishing it up with all the renovations to Sydney's room for Maddox's arrival. I'd say it was a busy month. There's no stopping the month of July. From busy outings with LoLo and friends, to birthdays ( including mine), lots of festivities for Stephanie's wedding, and more plans to Maddox's room, it's not going to stop. I don't write this blog post to complain about what's ahead, but just to get myself excited for a fun filled month. When I'm less busy I often dwell on the fact that Sydney isn't here. Having a busy month might mean I'll be tired physically, but will hopefully be happy all around. I take the good with the bad, and know that the grieving never stops. Sydney will always be on my mind everyday; however, this mama is going to try to enjoy herself this month. Bring on the fun, sun, and memories to be had!!! 

Is Baby Maddox here yet?

Since the day I found out I was pregnant again, I became so excited to see what Logans reaction would be. It didn't surprise me at all that Logan was beyond excited to be a "big brother" and hop into a big role. He's constantly kissing my belly and asking, "Is Maddox coming today?"

Logan has the responsibility of teaching Maddox all the good and bad, while also reminding him about the sparkle that is his older sister. It breaks my heart at times to know that Sydney isn't physically here to witness this. I often get this heavy weight on my heart that just pushes at times when I think of what life would be like if she was here. Not only would things be totally different, but I wouldn't ache as much. 

Yesterday Logan came with me to my ultrasound. He was invaded with stickers by all the staff there. Most of the technicians and nurses remember me from the twins, or know of Sydney's situation. Of course when I brought Logan in they were so excited. He was excited to see his brother on TV. 

As the technician zoomed in for Logan and we both got to hear the heartbeat it made me feel better. This is my new life, and what will be completely turned around in a little less than 11 weeks away. Logan was so excited to see the pictures of baby Maddox, and we both laughed together, because the technician said, "look at those cheeks." If baby Maddox will get anything from Logan I hope it will be those "cheeks for days". 

As we count down the weeks we will have our highs and lows. Makes me happy how excited Logan is. I can't wait to see him hold his little brother for the first time. This will probably be a moment that I won't forget.