Is Baby Maddox here yet?

Since the day I found out I was pregnant again, I became so excited to see what Logans reaction would be. It didn't surprise me at all that Logan was beyond excited to be a "big brother" and hop into a big role. He's constantly kissing my belly and asking, "Is Maddox coming today?"

Logan has the responsibility of teaching Maddox all the good and bad, while also reminding him about the sparkle that is his older sister. It breaks my heart at times to know that Sydney isn't physically here to witness this. I often get this heavy weight on my heart that just pushes at times when I think of what life would be like if she was here. Not only would things be totally different, but I wouldn't ache as much. 

Yesterday Logan came with me to my ultrasound. He was invaded with stickers by all the staff there. Most of the technicians and nurses remember me from the twins, or know of Sydney's situation. Of course when I brought Logan in they were so excited. He was excited to see his brother on TV. 

As the technician zoomed in for Logan and we both got to hear the heartbeat it made me feel better. This is my new life, and what will be completely turned around in a little less than 11 weeks away. Logan was so excited to see the pictures of baby Maddox, and we both laughed together, because the technician said, "look at those cheeks." If baby Maddox will get anything from Logan I hope it will be those "cheeks for days". 

As we count down the weeks we will have our highs and lows. Makes me happy how excited Logan is. I can't wait to see him hold his little brother for the first time. This will probably be a moment that I won't forget. 

Sydney's Crib

The other day I had moved a bunch of things out of Sydney's room, and left one of the hardest things- her crib. Yesterday it was time to tackle the last thing in her room. Shane and I have a plan for her crib, and are working on finishing the project this week. We are trying to turn Sydney's crib into a toy box/bench. Before we could start this project I had to move all of her stuff out of the crib. In her crib was everything that was very special to me. This has not been touched since the week after Sydney had passed away. I was going to do this with some help, but decided it was something that needed to be done by me alone. I was initially alright, then all of a sudden the tears began to flow. I couldn't catch my breath, and had to stop. I took a break and headed back. Out came all the stuff and will be ready to go into the bench. As I finished the crib all I could think about was how no one should ever have to go through this. It was painful, just painful. I ask myself "why us?" every day I 

still haven't figured it out. 

Thinking way to much at 4:30am

4:30am most people are sleeping, but I am tossing and turning, and trying to get my mind to shut off. The third trimester has arrived, and that means less sleep, more aches, more bathroom breaks, and a lot more stress before Maddox comes. Life throws your curve balls and your expected to bounce back. I feel that we've been given a few curve balls, taken some hits, and still have made it through. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about welcoming a new baby into this world again. I'm actually panicking, overwhelmed, and anxious all at the same time. So many mixed emotions that come into play daily. From all the Sydney transition, to remembering what I need for a newborn. Might seem like a lot to stress about, but when you have a full plate like me it's often easy to just panic. By 5:15am I was telling myself to breathe, go back to sleep, and that I'll figure it out. Don't we always figure it out? 

Changing a room

The day has come when I finally started to pick apart Sydney's room and get it ready for baby Maddox. Yesterday was filled with so many emotions, and was physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. I had to move all of Sydney's toys, and treasures into bins up into the attic for safe keeping. There were a few things that I'll always keep forever. Sydney's "Cinderella Castle" that was bought by Shane the Christmas before the twins were born. This was supposed to be opened when Sydney turned 3, but we never made it that far. One day we will pass this on, but for now it's going away for safe keeping. 

Maddox's room is a process, and will take some time, but the end result will be worth it. Change is not easy, but taking it one day at at time will help. Sydney's memories will live on in that room forever, and I know she will always be with us.

Changing a picture

Doesn't seem like a big deal to many people, but changing my Facebook profile picture is something that is so difficult. "Why", some might ask? It's because Sydney isn't in the picture. I mean the picture I put up symbolizes her from the Tutu Run and SparkleFest, but she's not "physically" in it. Sounds like a small problem, but to me it just makes my heart uneasy. 

I'm learning that it's ok to change things, and it's ok to move forward; however it's just not easy at times. Change is hard for anyone, but it's especially difficult after losing a child and moving forward. 

Happy Father's Day Shane

There's one person in my life that often gets under looked at times. That's my hubby. I am the face, and the president of Sydney Craven Memorial Fund, but Shane is right behind me. He's just a little quieter with his emotions than I am. I'd say that's why we compliment each other so well. 

Yesterday was a day to honor, and celebrate such an amazing man who gives his all for his family even when the biggest tradgedy hits us so hard. I know Shane grieves just like me, probably even harder but it's often not shown. He's dedicated to his work, dedicated to his family, and all the loved ones that are in his life. Everyday, and especially on Father's Day I want him to know how special and amazing he is. Without him I wouldn't be complete.

 Logan is his daddies mini-me, and I hope as he grows up he has all the great qualities that Shane has. With Maddox on the way I know things won't be easy emotionally, but we will make it through. We have Sydney looking over us from above, and lots of love to make us stronger each day. Hope you had a fun Father's Day Shane. You deserve it!!! 

Sydney's 1st Tutu Run and SparkleFest

I'm not sure where to begin. Yesterday was all I could have imagined for my baby girl. The list is just to long to thank everyone individually, but just wanted to personally send my graditude to all that made yesterday a successful first event. I remember standing at the gazebo before my speech yesterday, and just looking out at the sea of pink that filled the East Bridgewater common. One word came to my mind, "perfect." That's all I wanted was for people to come out in there pink, tutus, and sparkle for Sydney. I feel like the emotions haven't hit me yet. I'm still on a high with emotions. It's almost comparable to your wedding day when you just plan for months, and then the day hits and you go through the motions, and then need to reflect a day or two after of what really happened. 

With the grieving process it comes with highs and lows. Yesterday was definitely a high, because I got my strength from all my sparklers and Sydney. I couldn't be where I am today without my amazing family, friends, and supporters near and far. One year down many more to go. Sydney would want this to go on for a long time. I'm ready to reflect on yesterday, and move towards future events. The sun was shining yesterday, and I know Sydney was there watching everyone sparkle for her. 

Everyone is coming together

To think of all the sparkles, glitter, and tutus that will be around on Saturday is pretty overwhelming and amazing at the same time. All the little details that people have begun to prepare for the special day is so touching. I can't find the right words yet to show my gratitude towards everyone who is making this day come together. From Emily dressing up all the little kids in shirts and tutus yesterday at Logan's daycare, to all the people who have made a tutu, and to those who have just reached out and lent a hand; it's all amazing. Special thanks to my amazing board as usual. Without them I'm not sure how I'd be able to pull this event off. Everyone is coming together to make the first event a success. I can't wait to see all the sparkle and everyone on Saturday. T-1 day until the common will is filled with lots of sparkles. 

Keep the sparkle going

I'm not sure why we were handed this card in our life. Why Shane, Logan, and I? I know I'll never know the answer, but I often try to find little reasons. It makes me survive; it makes me stronger. Everyone has some type of tragedy that they go through in life, some bigger, and smaller than others. I'm not here to compare, or play it off that I'm the only one that has lost a child, but it's often hard to relate. 

I go through everyday motions, because I need to, because there's no other way but up, and because every time someone is thinking of Sydney it makes me stronger. I have the power to talk about Sydney's sparkle no matter how big or how small. Although I might be shy at times, I'm trying so hard to get my message heard.  "Life's to short to just sit around and dwell. I must keep the sparkle going, and always remember." Sydney has plans for her mama, big plans that are in the making. I'm not sure why it happened to us, but I must not let her down, and always sparkle on! 

Sydney's truck needed a tune up

Last night for about two hours straight Sydney's truck was moving, but this time wasn't fully moving was just making suttle back and forth motions. Was I really getting annoyed with the red truck? What if Sydney just wanted to say, "hello" and make her precense known. Logan would keep moving the truck, because it would slowly inch it's way to the door. Maybe she was trying to escape? 

I asked Shane about changing the batteries, because that will often make the truck move better. He told me to shut the button off. I said to Shane, "no way...never." I went in the other room and replaced the batteries. I waited a few minutes and off the truck went at normal speed. I can't believe I was actually getting a little annoyed. Never again will I do that. It's Sydney's way of coming through and I should expect that. I've learned to accept that life is the way it is, and that I'd do anything to have Sydney back. 

Pity Party for 1

Pity party for one! Yes it's true, I had a pitty party for myself on Friday night. Just when you feel that things are heading up, they slowly head back down. Pretty much stinks. Now if I haven't given up yet it's highly unlikely that I will at this juncture in time. I just needed to put my party hat on, whine for a few, and vent. We can only go up from here. It's just when your in the moment you often feel like the world is casting a spell over you, and only just for you. I should know by now that life throws you many challenges. There might be a bump, but in due time I believe things will change. Although my baby girl isn't here with us, I still try to move on. I have an amazing little boy who loves me to pieces, a little boy on the way, amazing friends, and a loving supportive husband. Hat is off, because this party is over!!!

A day without the blog

Phew...I took a day off from blogging and I survived. I'm not going to lie, but it was pretty difficult not to. I felt such a disappointment in myself. I felt that I was letting myself down. After finally realizing that it was alright not to blog, I went to bed. I just want my blog posts to be meaningful, and represent what is really happening. If nothing is going on, I shouldn't just force it. I can't promise a blog post every day moving forward, but what I can promise is that I'll write when needed. I'll write when Sydney comes through and I need to set my mind free. I couldn't be where I am today without my blog. It gives me such comfort, and allows me to express my deepest emotions, while trying to sparkle on.

Does Logan get sad too?

 

 

Do you think Logan gets sad that his twin isn't here anymore? Do you think that at times he doesn't want to go see his sister's area, because he's just sad like his mommy and daddy? I wonder this all the time as I look at pictures and have conversations with Logan. The other day I told Logan we were going to go see Sydney's area and he said, "no, no I don't want to go." We want to be sympathetic towards Logan's feelings, but also want him to come with us. Shane made a good point which made me really sad. He said, "Logan please don't forget that Ne-Ne wanted to always take care of you first. She always wanted you fed first, and cared so much about you." It just stung, because l know how much Sydney loved her brother. It hurts daily to know that she's not with us in person, and isn't side by side with her twin. 

Simply Stated for Sydney

This blog post is pretty simple and straight forward. Sometimes the smaller the blog post, the more feelings that are expressed and understood. 

I just want to hug my baby girl, and tell her how much I love and miss her more than the whole world. I want her to know that life isn't easy without her. 

Even through the hardest times....

 

Some days are better then others, but when you receive a quote that reminds you of yourself it often makes it better. Thank you to those who remind me daily that, "I'll be alright." Everyone goes through something hard in life, and I'm not here to diminish anyone else's feelings, but losing a child is one of the hardest things I will ever have to go through. For now as the wound is still fresh I will remember, and be reminded daily that I'm supported through the hardest experience of my life. 

I get worried!!!

No one knows the right way to grieve. Is there really a "right way"? Lately I find it exhausting that I have to grieve, and deal with the pregnancy hormones all in one. I'm worried lately. I'm concerned that I won't be able to grieve and love baby Maddox along with Logan all at the same time. Am I going to love Maddox as much as Logan? Yes, but I worry about my heart. I worry about missing Sydney too much. I worry that I might not have the energy to remember. Bringing a baby into this world is one thing, but bringing one into the world after a death of a child is just exhausting. I get worried!

Reflecting on the ride home

I do most of my reflecting on my drive to and from work. With an hour commute each way, I have time to gather my feelings and process how I might be feeling. Lately I've had my highs and lows with thinking about Sydney, but it wasn't until yesterday on the drive home that I really thought about something. It's been over a year now since Sydney passed away, and it feels like it just happened. Sometimes I try to compare Sydney's death to something so people can relate. I almost want to say it's like losing an animal, yet you can replace an animal or find one close enough to love again. Comparing Sydney's death to the death of an animal is probably not the best. I just feel that as life is going on I feel like people might think that having another baby will fix everything. Bringing Baby Maddox into this world will not replace Sydney, but might help ease the pain a little. It's a rollercoaster of emotions that will never go away. It's the reflecting that I do everyday on my commute. It's hard and never will really end. 

Volunteering to Sparkle

There are 16 days left to Sydney's first annual Tutu Run and SparkleFest. I know my blog posts lately have been talking about this big event, but it's filling me with mixed emotions. Last night we had a volunteer meeting where people came out to sign up for a timeslot to help on the big day. I found myself talking about Sydney again, and each time I do this I feel stronger. Will it get easier? Probably not, but one thing is for sure is that I will continue to speak of, spread, and keep her sparkle alive. I talked to a member of the fire department last night who was there the night Sydney passed away. We were able to talk about the night again, and how far we've come along with how Logan is doing. It takes a lot out of me to do this, but I get the strength I need from Sydney. I've said it before because I know it's true, she's definitely proud of me as I continue to sparkle on.