Laugh more mama

One of the things that I remember from my reading the other night is that Sydney really wants us to laugh more as a family. She doesn't want us to feel bad that were having fun without her, and wants us to cherish all the moments that we are making as a family.

I have to admit at times the tears have replaced the laughs; but yesterday I actually found more giggles then tears. Yes...Sydney was on my mind yesterday, because she always is; however, Logan had a belly laugh that was highly contagious. He learned to blow bubbles with his milk through a straw. It was a big mess, but the laugh that we shared was priceless. It was probably the highlight of his day. 

Each day is different, and I'm often unsure if it's going to be a good or bad day at times. I am working really hard at creating those memories, laughing a little harder each day, and still remembering Sydney, She will ALWAYS be on my mind, and forever be in my heart. 

Sydney is always with us

The last couple of days have been pretty rough. I definitely have hit some of my lowest lows, and I didn't think I was going to come out of it, but as always...I did. Sydney new I needed to fill up my sparkle jar, and rejuvenate. She new I need to gear up the energy I needed to be a strong, powerful mama, and to continue on a mission that I've set out to spread.

Last night I was given the opportunity to meet with another medium to help me speak with Sydney. This reading was different then my last reading; in which Sydney talked a lot more about "me", and how "strong" her mama was, and needed to be.

I got a reassurance last that Sydney has been watching over us, and that she is more adament then ever that I will be "famous", will spread that sparkle so far and wide, will help so many people. There's a path that were supposed to be taking, and I know Sydney believes in me. She believes that I am strong, and I have the ability to take the darkest days and still carry on. 

Last nights meeting couldn't have come at a better time. It was so good for me, and really help me understand, and confirm what I already know. I know Sydney is with us ALWAYS, and will continue to sparkle on just like her mommy wants her to do.

Just listening means the most

When it hits you...it just hits you, and that's exactly what happened yesterday morning. I started my morning out just being sad. I dropped Logan off at daycare and just cried, and cried in the car. What I usually do is call one of my besties who pick up the phone and just listen to me cry. Sometimes I can't even catch my breath, or they don't even know what to say. I guess that's the hardest part. What do you say to me? Listening is the best thing they all do. They let me get it out, vent, cry, and just talk until I feel better.

When I get into those moments they just take so much out of me. After venting and letting it out I did feel better, but now was emotionally and physically drained. It takes a lot out of me when I get super sad.

Yesterday and everyday I thank those who stand by me and just care and listen. For my besties that have listened to me pour my heart out...thank you! If I don't tell you enough, and your unsure if your doing the right thing...you are!!!

Waiting for signs of Sydney

Things have been pretty quiet for me with Sydneys signs lately. I believe she's often quiet for me, because she's spreading her sparkle to others and other places. Sydney was always a busy little thing, so it doesn't surprise me if she's being her spunky self and spreading her sparkle everywhere.

I know that Sydneys watching us every minute that she can, and wants to make sure we are all ok. I want Sydney to know that somedays her mommy is, and some days I'm not. The pain that lies inside is  more than I can explain to people. The last few days have been tough, but I feel being honest helps me get by. Is it fair...no? Is this real life...yes? I just want to wake up and have it all go away, but unfortunately that is not how this story is written. 

For now I wait for another sign from Syd, and watch her sparkle shine on.

Another tough day

Yesterday was just a tough day overall!! My heart hurt which triggered my mind to hurt, and I just couldn't get out of my funk! Everytime I looked at Logan my heart sank, and everytime I thought about Sydney the pain just hurt all over. People say to me that it's ok to have a bad days; however, I wish I didn't have to feel like this at all. 

As Logan played on his swing set and we spent some quality time together in the afternoon I just became sad. I was sad Sydney wasn't with us, and sad he didn't have his twin anymore. Life is going to have so many difficult days for us, and it's definitely tough. I have to remember that it's only been 7.5 months since she's been gone. That's not a long time, and I miss her more and more each day. 

Patriots vs Denver Broncos

There's  nothing like waking up on Monday morning and seeing your "timehop app" full of many memories from a year ago. What was a year ago...The Denver Broncos Vs Patriots game was on tv, and we had a little party with Uncle Stephen and Auntie Krissy. I remember always saying, "the house was divided" as Shane loves the Denver Broncos and I love the Patriots. I secretly would try to make them both Patriots fans to make there daddy a little mad, but he always seemed to tie in a little Broncos gear.

As I look back on the pictures it just doesn't seem real. I sent a message to Krissy yesterday, and just said, "feels like yesterday, but it's been a year." I know we all miss Sydney so much and wish she was here. Truthfully it's not fair, and I can say it over and over again. 

This year things are different as we head into the Patriots vs Denver Broncos game in a few weeks. There is only one little fan now who is still divided; except he's missing his better half. Logans missing his twin Sydney.

As I look back a year ago my heart sinks. You can't imagine the pain that hurts inside. We will forever be changed, as we look back on memories that were created, and take one day at a time.

The best thing...

Yesterday we laughed and enjoyed some fun time at the park as a family. These are the little moments that don't seem like a lot, but will be cherished forever.

"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other- Audrey Hepburn"

Thank you Ms. Hepburn for making me remember to hold onto the ones that we love the most, and cherish even the smallest moments. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that our little girl is gone at times, but there's moments like yesterday that made me stop, and appreciate a little boy who needs and loves his mommy and daddy so much!!!