Logans big boy bed

You know Logans growing up when it's time to say goodbye to the crib and hello to a big boy bed. Yesterday was an exciting day; yet hard day as we went to get Logan a big boy bed. I was filled with mixed emotions as my little boy is growing up so fast. 

After we came home yesterday I walked into Sydneys room and thought about her crib and how it still sits in the same place in her room. I've been contemplating with Shane on what to do with her crib, but for now it just stays there so perfectly put with all of her little keepsakes in it.

As Logan transitions into a big boy bed the fear as a parent continues to circulate. Will he be ok, and will he sleep through the night? I always have a constant worry when Logan goes to sleep, but it's the worry that I'll always have. 

There's always that unknown fear that comes over me; however, somedays it's easier to manage then others. 

The gender reveal

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Our gender reveal after we found out we were having twins. The suspense of finding out what we were having, and then being able to announce it to friends, family, and social media.

For those of you that don't know the gender story it's pretty humerous. The doctor told us that one was definitely a boy and there was a 70% chance the other one was a girl. For those of you that know me 70% was not good enough. I needed to confirm and that I did. Yup...a girl and a boy. We were a complete family. Shane had his future football player, and I had my little girl to dress up. Shane had his daddies girl, and I had my mommas boy. We were all set.

Flash forward 2.5 years later and we are no longer complete. I was absolutely devistated when I saw the gender reveal pictures. I was heart broken, and sick to my stomach. I've felt the pain inside my chest all day that didnt go away. I'll be truthful...its just getting worse. I try to breathe, but sometimes the pain suffocates me. I'm just so sad that this has happened; more lately then ever. I really wish I had a crystal ball 2.5 years ago, because maybe it would have prepared me for the heartache that lies within. 

One day you'll help others

One of the first things I said after Sydney passed away was, "I want to help people. I want someone to read my blog one day, and learn from what I went through". 

Lately I find myself questioning my feelings, and the way I express myself. I've kind of almost taken a step back and am a little more careful of what I say, because I don't want to upset anyone. 

I expressed my feelings...my deepest feelings to one of my besties last night, and she kind of gave me a little wake up call. "Heather, people want you to be real. These feelings are not toward anyone specific. Just be honest. You want to help people one day. I believe you do!" 

One of my besties was right. It's ok for me to want to scream, cry, and wonder if I'll ever hold another baby again. It's ok to be sad everytime I walk into a store, and quickly bypass all the girls clothes, because I'm ready to throw up. This is all normal!!!

If there was a reason that Sydney passed away I might just have different feelings, but because my life was shattered in seconds I'm allowed to feel like this. 

I write this blog today with a heavy heart. Maybe...just maybe one day I'll feel a little better when I hold a little girl, see a mommy and daughter walking together, or even walking by the girls section in a clothing store. 

I remember all the visions I had for Sydney when she was here...all the visions of mommy/daughter things, and daddy/daughter things. Now these visions are just memories...memories that will hopefully turn into reality one day again?

It's ok to be real

When I think I can't go anymore, when social media gets the best of me, when all the girly stuff brings tears to my eyes, and when the feeling inside is to much to handle I remember one thing... Keep going, because I'm "inspiring" others. 

This is a life changing tradegy that forever will impact me, as I remember and keep spreading that sparkle. I've learned to have my days, be honest with others, cry out loud, and just openly admit that it sure does stink.

To be honest I want to have my little girl back. I want to play dress up again with tutus and bows, and enjoy all the little girl things a momma enjoys if she had a little girl.

In the end all I can be is honest. I need to keep shining, and be as real as ever. I wish Sydney was here still, and that the sparkle was never taken away from us. 

Everyday Sydneys on my mind

Everyday she's on my mind and everyday I do the same thing...just breathe!!!

I feel like I'm a broken record at times, and repeat, "why", and "why did this happen" over and over again. There are times when I look back on her pictures and smile, and then there are times when I can hardly breathe, because the pain is just so bad. 

Although I appear on the outside as happy, the inside of me is very different. I'm full of highs and lows and never know which emotion will be triggered first.

The truth is pretty obvious: I just miss her so so much, and would do anything to have her back again.

One for Ne-Ne one for Lo-Lo

What kid doesn't love arts and crafts? Sydney and Logan always loved to get there hands dirty together, and especially loved arts and crafts at daycare. Since Sydney has been gone Logan has been focusing more and more on his art projects at daycare. I wouldn't call him Picasso, but he definitely has a love for art. He takes his time, and would do two or three of the same project while the other kids are done playing with other things.

I never thought much about it until the other day when I looked at Logans art project. His turkey was the only one that had 4 eyes. I thought to myself why would his turkey have 4 eyes? I think he knows that they have 2. He was so proud of his work and was so excited to show me. 

Later that evening I met with the medium and she had said that Sydney is with Logan most of the time when he does his art projects at daycare, and loves to help him. All I could think of was the turkey with 4 eyes. I bet she told him to put extra eyes for him and her. Coincidence I don't think so. When I asked Logan who the extra eyes were for he said, "ne-ne". Of course there for Ne- Ne. She is always with him, and will do everything to make sure her brother is having fun, and is alright. 

LoLo loves his Mama

Sunday's are usually my "snuggle days" These are the days that I get to spend time with LoLo who loves his mommy very much. All the time I wish my little girl was still here, and can't get over the fact that she was taken away from me so quickly. Each day that she is gone I am constantly reminded of Sydney through Logan. 

I am so blessed to have such an amazing, smart, and sweet little boy that loves me so much.

*****************************

I'll be Logans first kiss,

I'll be Logans first love, 

I'll be Logans forever friend,

and I'll ALWAYS be his MAMA!!!

He is my whole world, and my little man.