Creating a calendar

Pictures have always been something that I've been obsessed with. With all the pictures I take I have made sure to make many books and items for others. One of the things I look forward to each year since the twins were born was making a calendar. I would strategically pick the pictures to coincide with each month. 

Since Sydney has passed away a lot of things go through my mind. I try to process how I'm going to handle things. One might not think creating a calendar would be so hard, but for this year it sure is. I contemplated not doing one, because I didn't want to see the heartache from Syd after the month of March, but decided that I would do one for Logan and combine it with pictures that remind me of Sydney.

As I started to create the calendar I stopped a few times, because I got sad. The "I can't believe this happened" words came over me. Not everything is easy, but I figured I'd explain that even the littlest things often make me super sad. This calendar won't be easy to view, but things take time, and I'm ready!

Everything will work out

Lately people have been asking if I'm alright, because my blogs have been so real, raw, and honest lately. It sure hasn't been easy lately, and like I've said recently we are gearing up for a long couple of months ahead. At the end of the day yesterday I came across a quote on Facebook that caught my eye from a friend..."Everything will work out". Even in my darkest days, and with my lowest lows I know deep down that there's a plan, there's a reason, and that everything eventually will make sense. One step forward as we go though the next few months which will be hard. All I can do is keep my head up, breathe, and take one day at a time.

No matter how long it always hurts

I don't know if anyone caught my little mistake yesterday morning when I was posting my blog...for some reason I thought Syd was gone for 9 months, but it's only been 8 months. Either way 8 or 9 it all hurts the same. 

I have to be honest I laughed a little bit when I finally realized. It was a quick fix on the computer, but not a quick fix in life.

No matter how long it's going to be its always going to hurt, and always going to sting so bad. As we head into the holidays I can't even begin to tell you how I'm going to feel. I can't even imagine Turkey Day without her next week, or Christmas and Hannukah in December. No way around it...it's going to stink! She should be here with us.

One thing is for sure is that each day I still miss her, and each day there seems to be that struggle within. 8 months later we still remember the sparkle, and always will as the months and years go on.

8 months is not a long time

8 months have gone by and 8 months later my heart still hurts. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about Sydney; her beautiful laugh, smile, giggle, her bow to match every outfit, and that spunkyness that she wore so well. 8 months can seem like a long time for other people, but for a grieving mother it's not long time at all, and feels like yesterday that she was here. 

I'm so grateful for all the support and sparklers I have this far, and continue to want to grow that number as the months go on. As time goes on I know it doesn't seem so fresh to others. I go through my everyday life as "Heather...the girl who lost her daughter" moving forward. I just wish at times people realized that the hurt is still there. One of my co-workers came up to me today and just gave me a big hug. She said, "I just want to hug you and know I'm always thinking of you". It's the little things that mean the most. It's the cards that are sent, it's the random messages, or just the simple hello that make me smile.

I want people to remember that I just lost my daughter 8 months ago. I might seem put together on the outside, but internally I'm a mess. My heart is mending, and will take a long time to heal. 

A house filled with many memories

30 weeks pregnant and we were searching for our dream home. We were so happy when we found our forever home. The house that would be filled with so many wonderful memories. There are a lot of beautiful memorable moments that have taken place in our house within the last 3 years. The good definitely ways out the bad; however ever since Sydney has passed away the house just doesn't feel the same.

There were so many memories with Logan and Sydney in this house that will be here forever, but also sting so bad. Sydneys taking her steps down the hallway, Logan and Sydney being pushed in the laundry basket down the hallway, and Logan chasing Sydney around the house saying Ne-Ne, or Sydney saying brotha brotha.

The list can go on forever. This house holds so many memories that will always stay with us. I'm not sure what the future will hold for us, but I do know our memories continue to grow. We definitely miss Sydney so much, but will always remember her in so many ways through our house. Her sparkle lives on, her spirit lives on, and she's always with us.

 

I'm just tired

There are days when I have so much energy and days were I feel like my body is collapsing. How can I be so tired if I got 8 hours of sleep and had a large coffee? I know why...I have a constant weight on my chest each day, and my mind is ALWAYS thinking about Sydney who is not here. I'm just so tired and keep on pushing along. I wake up everyday and go about my daily routine, but feel so physically defeated. My heart aches, my body aches, and can't forget about my head that is constantly in overload. On the outside all might seem ok, but on the inside I'm hurting. 

I'm not sure when the pain will go away, and know that somedays are better than others; however, for now it's worth sharing about what I'm going through on the inside and outside each day. 

Sparkling along with Syds fund

There are days when I often become so overwhelmed that I feel that someone is shaking my head, and I can't seem to focused. I'm full of so many emotions daily, often tired from going on a rollercoaster of emotions.

I often can't believe how much we've got accomplished in almost 9 months. I couldn't do nearly half of it without my amazing board that makes up Sydney Craven Memorial Fund. 

One would think I would be filled with so much sparkle from the fund that has been established, but often I get overwhelmed. It's a lot to take in all the gratitude, and it's a lot to push forward after such a tradgic thing has happened. We have established this fund to keep Sydneys sparkle alive, and help others. 

There's so much going on with Sydneys fund lately that I'm overjoyed with emotions. I can't wait to work together with everyone to have Sydneys 1st tutu run and sparklefest in June. There will be a lot of hard work put forward but with the support from others, and my amazing board I know it will be a success. 

***we missed you Lindsey***