Ne-Ne will always love you Lo-Lo

"Mama...I bought Ne-Ne a bow"! The fact that he wants to bring his sister something, and that he is only 2.5 years old, makes me believe he truly understands she is gone but will remember her forever. 

It's part of our daily routine to always talk about her every second that we get. It sure does break my heart, but I want nothing more for Logan to remember, and carry on her legacy that is being spread so much.

I tell Logan every day that his Ne-Ne loves him, and I'm sure as he gets older he will truelly understand how special she was, and the amazing bond that they will always have. 

Reopening a wound

It's hard to believe that almost 7months have gone by since our baby girl has passed. Each day and each month that goes by is just as hard to deal with. The night Sydney passed away the officer that came to the house had to take a few of her belongings in her crib, which included her stuffies and her sheet. I never thought much about receiving this stuff back and just tucked it in the back of my mind. 

We received a phone call a few days ago that her stuff was ready to be given back. How hard could this possibly be I thought? Yesterday evening a gentleman came by with her belongings. I took the bag and opened it up. I was ok until I had flashbacks. The gentlemen said he didn't know how I was doing it and apologized for our loss.

That's right our loss...the loss that won't be back. The wound that was reopened. I decided to save her stuffies and give them to Logan, or if he didn't want them I'd put in a safe place. 

Either way the pain that endured after the guy left was overwhelming. I couldn't breathe, was so upset, and just cried and cried and cried to Stephanie; one of my best friends who was on the phone with me. I always explain how I feel on the blog, but the pain that endures in that brief amount of time is unexplainable. I felt awful for the rest of the night. My body hurt and my heart hurt. It's not fair, and definitely so painful to reopen the wound of that tragic night again.

Remembering Florida and Syd

A year ago we were in Florida visiting my parents ( the twins nana and papa) and my nana Bella ( the twins great nana). I remember having such an amazing time, and especially the reaction that my nana had when she saw the twins. 

My nana Bella has the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, so Shane and I wanted to bring the twins down to see her before her memory would deteriate.

Everytime I would call my nana she would ask me how the twins were. She would always forget their names but would say: the boy and the girl, and would blame her old age for forgetting. 

As the months progressed my nanas memory has slightly decreased after we visited last October. 

When Sydney passed away I didn't even know what to do with myself, and how I was going to tell my nana. I was advised by her doctors to not tell her that Sydney had passed away, because she probably wouldn't be able to take the pain. The worst thing is when I call and talk with her weekly she still asks how the "twins" are, and I have to answer "they are both fine" everytime I talk with her. 

It's a very hard thing to do, but I know that Sydney will meet her great nana again someday. 

All I know is I'm thankful that we went last year to see everyone, because it was the last time my parents and nana had seen Sydney. 

The memories will last forever along with the videos, and pictures that were 

taken. I wish things were different, but unfortunately they are not. 

Pumpkin Time

Shane and I are trying to start new traditions for Logan lately, as the upcoming holidays approach us. We both know it's going to be a hard couple of months, but are doing our best at starting new memories.

Last night we went to Pumpkins A Glo at Roger Williams Zoo for the first time. I always know that even though Sydney isn't with us physically she is so there in other ways. Walking in I wondered if there would be a pumpkin that resembled her. 

As we were waking by the pumpkins I heard Deanna say, "Heather do you see this?" I turned around and there it was. A little girl with angel wings and a sign that said "in memory" on the pumpkin. 

I took out my phone and tried to take a picture of this pumpkin. I had took a bunch of pictures before this punpkins so I knew my phone was working. Just as I tried to take a picture my phone wouldn't let me take it. The screen went black and started to freeze. I looked at the pumpkin one more time and walked away.

Some may not believe what happened, but I know the real reason my phone wasn't working. I know that Sydney was there. I know that she wanted the sign o be only for "me" to remember. That is why I don't have it captured.

Last night was fun, and new memories were made. I will always remember seeing that pumpkin, and knowing Sydney was with us. Was that pumpkin for us, or someone else...we never will know. All I know is that she was there and alwasy will be there as her sparkle shines on.

Strong Couple

How do you guys do it? How do you stay so strong for each other? The answer is pretty simple and clear: we are each other's soul mates and pick each other up when the other one needs that little boost.

Sometimes I get these moments where I just cry, because I don't know how this could happen to such a "happy" couple that had everything going for them. Even on the toughest days I find myself so lucky to have my rock; my hubby to help me carry on. Life sure decided to throw us a curve, but we work so hard at being the best couple and parents we can for LoLo. 

Yesterday we had a chance to have another date day/night where we were able to just let loose, and pretend like everything was "normal". Although our "normal" is now turned upside down we still find time that is needed to work on our relationship. We can only go up from here. We will continue to make Sydney proud, inspire others, and take one day at a time.  

Just Because...

As we head into a long weekend I find myself going through highs and lows, and just asking myself, "why"? 

These two quotes fit me perfectly....

You can always sparkle

And even on the hardest days when I think I can't go anymore I always try to push forward with a little more sparkle and shine! Sometimes it's so hard to take  another step forward, but I do it, because I know Syd would want me to, and it's my job to make her proud!!!