Pictures filled with emotions

Throughout the grieving process there are many moments when it just hits you. You could be absolutely fine, and then in an instance the tears start, and you find yourself taking a deep breath, as you can't believe that she is really gone. I often have good days, and try to find the sparkle each day, but sometimes I'm given that moment when I just lose it.

One of my biggest mottos I believe in is "taking a picture" and "creating a memory". I believe it's important to look back on the memories you've made, while creating new ones; however, this often can be difficult too. 

I have so many pictures of Sydney, Logan, the twinbond, and us as a family of four that when I often see the picture it hits me. 

Yesterday that exactly happened. I was sitting in the car waiting with Logan while Shane ran into the store for a second. I was flipping through my pictures, and my "timehop" (an app that lets you go back and look at old pictures) and then it hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks...the tears started to come, and I didn't even have any napkins...go figure. I wiped my tears w my hands and hid my emotions behind my sunglasses. When I get this upset it's usually a "reality" moment. This is a time when I say to myself, "is she really gone" "why take something so perfect away" or "we were just so happy..."

I'm writing about these real raw emotions this morning, because this is how it is. This is my new life as a grieving mother, and this is the pain that is hidden inside. You can have an amazing weekend with friends that are family, and then all of a sudden it can be turned around in a second.

One thing that is true is that your heart does heel. You put a bandaid on it and move throughout your day. You do all you can to smile, and be brave. I often am strong, but I'm only human to go through my ups and downs. When I see these pictures of my beautiful baby girl my heart is just filled- filled with raw emotions,and filled with the happy sparkle that will be spread. I'm not sure how today will go like any day, but I will do my best to be me, take one step, and try to spread that sparkle, as I remember. like I do everyday.