One day you'll help others

One of the first things I said after Sydney passed away was, "I want to help people. I want someone to read my blog one day, and learn from what I went through". 

Lately I find myself questioning my feelings, and the way I express myself. I've kind of almost taken a step back and am a little more careful of what I say, because I don't want to upset anyone. 

I expressed my feelings...my deepest feelings to one of my besties last night, and she kind of gave me a little wake up call. "Heather, people want you to be real. These feelings are not toward anyone specific. Just be honest. You want to help people one day. I believe you do!" 

One of my besties was right. It's ok for me to want to scream, cry, and wonder if I'll ever hold another baby again. It's ok to be sad everytime I walk into a store, and quickly bypass all the girls clothes, because I'm ready to throw up. This is all normal!!!

If there was a reason that Sydney passed away I might just have different feelings, but because my life was shattered in seconds I'm allowed to feel like this. 

I write this blog today with a heavy heart. Maybe...just maybe one day I'll feel a little better when I hold a little girl, see a mommy and daughter walking together, or even walking by the girls section in a clothing store. 

I remember all the visions I had for Sydney when she was here...all the visions of mommy/daughter things, and daddy/daughter things. Now these visions are just memories...memories that will hopefully turn into reality one day again?