There are good days and bad days

For those that don't know me I'm a very busy person. I am always the type of person who has to go go go, and rarely never relaxes. I've always been like this, and since Sydneys passing I've continued to be like this. I've wanted to stay busy, but secretly for other reasons. I believe I stay busy, because it takes my mind off of the pain, and takes my mind off of the reality that Sydney isn't here.

There are good days and bad days, and I'm lucky that my good days outway my bad; however, lately I realize I'm falling apart, because my body is slowing down. My mind is telling me to rest at times, which can backfire if I'm not prepared.

Since Shanes been back to work it is very very hard on those nights I'm alone. After Logan and I do our nightly routine I have that alone time to myself, which is often not good. To be honest I hate to be by myself at night; thankful that I can pickup the phone and call some of my besties, but honestly at times crying on the phone isnt as good as sitting next to someone face to face, while they just listen. I am so so lucky to have the amazing support system that I have, but at times I put on a front that shows I'm alright, when at times I'm not.

I do the best I can, but as I've learned so far "grief" is a powerful thing that just hits you. It feels good to say that I'm not doing ok, and yes dealing with Sydneys loss is getting harder. Somedays I might need more help then others, and that random message, phone call, or quick drop off might just be the best medicine. It's hard for me to ask for help at times, because I'm the one whose trained to give the help and listen; however, as time goes on I might need to just let myself cry, let it out, and know that I'm being supported 100% by the ones who care and love me and my family the most.