Reality can be painful

Sometimes I make decisions that I think will be a good choice but then don't understand that there could be an aftermath of feelings that can take over me. Last night I decided to go to a "sprint meeting" at KPMM to thank those lovely girls who have helped so much since Sydney had passed away. I don't often go to a meeting since Shane would work Monday nights, but figured since Shane was home it would be a good opportunity. I picked out some cupcakes, grabbed my twin bestie, and away we went. How bad could this possible be? I can do this I just have to breathe right? I'm still a twin mom right...I say it all the time...or am I really? Will something change?

I walked into the meeting and was greeted with smiles as I knew the girls were happy to see me. I sat down in the room and looked around...huge meeting tonight...oh man what am I going to do? Am I going to beable to sit through this?

As we went around the room everyone talked about their twins and multiples. The pain inside my chest was more than I could handle as I did my deep breathing. Wow...I am not a "twin mom" anymore. I only have one now. Yes, I had twins, but one was taken away from me. I now have a "singleton". Nothing's wrong with having "one" kid at all but it gave me a new perspective as I listened to people talk around the room. There were triplet babies there last night too, maybe if I hold one it will subside the pain...that baby smiled from ear to ear but still didn't  fix the pain in my heart. 

As the meeting started to end it was my turn to introduce myself. This was the first time I would have to introduce myself as Heather who "had twins" and "lost one." Talk about a reality check for me. The knife was so sharp and it stabbed so hard. Most people would ask why I did this so soon, and I would say it's because I have too. This is reality and nothing's going to change, but man is it painful.

As the meeting ended I was greeted by so many people, which helped the wound that they couldn't see. I put my brave face on and thanked everyone. This is my new reality I said and I will be Brave and Strong. 

Driving home it hit me. Yes I will "always be a twin mom", but when reality sets in I actually am not. Once a twin mom always a twin mom yes...but in this given moment last night when I sat there with all other mothers who "had two or three kids" I was not one of them at this given time.

I don't regret going to the meeting at all and thank those amazing ladies for all they've done and continue to do. Life is not easy and reality is painful. I know I'll go to another meeting another time, but not sure just when. Time will heal the pain, and my hope is that the pain will subside over time. I will be strong and get through this. I will make a difference in other peoples lives, and will love my "twins" forever. I will love and hold Logan each day, and will remember, and still love Sydney up in the sky.