Bringing my little helper to school

Mondays are always difficult especially after a long emotional weekend, but this Monday was a little different. A snowstorm caused a two hour delay, and  Logan was my little helper at school. This made for an eventful and short Monday. Logan was great and so well behaved. He actually was mistaken a few times for a kindergartener. My baby boy is turning 3 next week, not 6. He is very much preschool ready, but it makes this mama sad that he's growing up so fast. Logan talked about Sydney at school and wore his pink bow proud. It's hard when I bring him to school because I know people ask about Sydney, but that will never change. Last week was a very tough week emotionally, but this week shouldn't be too bad. This week we look forward to my parents coming in from Florida, a day off Friday, Logan's birthday and Easter this Sunday. Thankfully it was an easy day yesterday, and should be an easy and fun week ahead. 

There's no buddy like a little brother

After we found out we were pregnant I couldn't wait to find out what we were having. To be honest I always had a hunch that it was going to be a boy. I was actually protecting my heart, but secretly knew we were going to get what Logan needed. I wasn't sure what other people thought I was having, but some people assumed it would be a girl since I lost Sydney. As the weeks went on I kind of let my heart go and thought maybe it could be a girl. Either way we wanted a healthy baby, and a sibling for Logan. We found out we were having a "boy", and initially the news was a little difficult to digest, because I was filled with so many emotions. I was still grieving Sydney, and couldn't process all the information with the hard week that was coming up. I finally soaked up the love for another little boy, and a little brother for Logan. The brother bond that Logan will have with this little boy is something that will be so special to watch. Logan is so lucky, because he gets the "brother bond,"and also the "twin bond" that will always be remembered. This is what is meant to happen, and we couldn't be more excited. Yes, I miss the girly things, but I always find a way to shine. There's only one Sydney, and we will continue to do our best to remember, and bring the sparkle to the new baby boy. Logan's so excited and that makes me happy. Here's to a new little boy who will be loved so much. 

 

It was a "Special Day" for Sydney

365 days later and we sparkled more then I could have imagined. Today was spent with lots of friends that are family, and was followed by many "sparklers" and friends near and far. I don't know if I was so emotionally drained from a rollercoaster of grieving this week that I actually didn't cry today. I'm actually numb to the emotions that some days I'm able to hold it together. Kind of ironic that it was on her one year anniversary, but Sydney wouldn't want it any other way. The sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It seems weird to say, but a very sad day actually brought a little sparkle and a smile to my face. Logan was such a good boy and kept on repeating that it was a "special day". I told him we were celebrating "Ne-Ne" all day, and that there would be lots of sparkles and pink for him to see. 

I smiled a lot today, because I was with loved ones that cared. I know Sydney was with us, and would have been so proud. She left her mark pretty much everywhere I went yesterday, and even threw in a few jokes( nothing like an ice-cold shower, because the water-heater went out in the morning.)

I often feel bad that I don't get so upset on difficult days like this, but need to realize that the grieving process takes it turns, and goes from a high to a low often. One year later we all came together. I wish Sydney was here with us; however, since she's not, honoring her sparkle and celebrating her personality is second best. We will never forget you Sydney, and will always remember you each and every day. Sparkle On baby girl Sparkle On!!!

365 days without the sparkle

8:45pm, the time that our lives changed forever 365 days ago. I've been strong, weak, courageous, ashamed, positive, and have felt the deepest pain that anyone could ever endure since that time my little girl was taken away from us. I can't believe we've come to the 1 year mark of her passing. It still seems unreal and that I'm living in a nightmare that I will just wake up from. 

Reality is that we are not in a bad dream, and this is real life. This is our new life, moving forward as a family of three, and of course soon to be four. Grieving never goes away, nor will all the memories. There are days when I want to pretend that this never happened, and days that I can't even look at another sparkly or girly thing, because my heart breaks that mine was taken away from me.

The years will go by and new memories will come forward. We are sparkling forward, but never ever will forget. Sydney will ALWAYS be part of our life until we meet again. Today is a day that I stand tall, and wear my pink and sparkles proudly. I will lean on others for support, and make the best of a difficult day. We will always remember our baby girl who was taken to soon, and keep her sparkle alive. 365 days later the sparkle is stronger then ever. 

It was my goal and my mission to keep her sparkle going; Sydney I hope I am making you proud. We miss you so much. I will do all I can to keep your memories alive and keep that twin bond strong. Thanks for looking out for your "brotha" too, it means the world to me that I can see your personality living on in him. Keeping sparkling baby girl, keep twirling in that tutu, and always shine on!!! 

                  3/28/13-3/19/15

The Pain is Awful, Just Awful

As we rapidly approach Sydney's one year anniversary, I have to be completely honest. The intense pain I am feeling right now is something I never could have imagined or anticipated. I'm actually "regrieving" and reliving the passing of my baby girl all over again. The realization that she is never coming back feels like a knife in my heart every second of every day. I don't know if I was naive to my feelings, but I honestly didn't expect it to hurt so much. I do blame the hormones partially, which are raging as I try to process and move through one more day until the year mark.

People often are very concerned and want to help. The appreciation is there, but at times no one knows what I really need but myself. Only Shane and I know what's best for our family. I do take people's opinion, and appreciate the advice, but I will navigate on my own. I always have, and will get through this too one day at a time. 

People often say time will tell and I believe that, but struggle with the realization. What's true is that I'm breaking down inside. I'm regrieiving, and the pain will always be there all the time; just some days worse then others. 

I'll continue to breathe deeply, silence myself a little from the outside world, and let myself remember. It's not a pretty process, and very difficult to digest. No matter what day it is I'll always grieve. That's something that can never go away as long as I live. 

Missing the Irish Sparkle

St. Patty's Day marks the last holiday with out Sydney. The last few pictures I have of our baby girl are of her smiling and wearing her piggies proud in her St. Patty's Day attire with her "brotha". The days are getting tougher and I'm starting to feel the pain more than ever. I'll be honest I'm breaking down and nothing can fix it. I'll remember like I always do, but will allow myself to break down. Yesterday I had a moment, and I ended up fighting through it. Tears are just a way of your heart trying to grieve. My heart is doing just that, grieving, remembering through the holiday, and making the best of the memories that we had. 

Sparkling through a tough week

Many people have asked me if I'm going to take any days off from work this week. To be honest, work is the only thing that is keeping me busy this week. It's always been hard to go back to work since Sydney passed away, but I've had amazing support from my friends and colleagues. When I came into school yesterday I noticed that everyone had on bright pink bows in honor of Sydney that they will be wearing all week. It's not easy thinking about her every hour of the day, but I try. It was a little hard yesterday when some of the students found out what the bows meant and were coming up to me saying, "Mrs. Craven I heard your daughter died". Pretty blunt, but I need to remember they're only in elementary school. My response, "yes" as we moved on to another activity. As the week goes on I am sure it will get harder. I'll be wearing a little bit of pink each day this week and trying to sparkle. I know that Sydney would approve as I sparkle on.