A Sparkle Reading- 1 year later

As we approach Sydney's one year mark, one of the special things that I wanted to do again was connect with a medium. We had the pleasure of meeting with Maureen Hancock who met with us when Sydney passed away. I wanted to meet with her again before the anniversary coming up Saturday. 

When Sydney comes through to Shane and I it is pretty much amazing and special. Sydney confirmed things that I knew, and new things that will come ahead. One thing that is comforting is how excited Sydney is about the new baby. I knew it, and feel some comfort in that. Also how much Logan can see Sydney, and how that twin bond is stronger than ever. 

Having a reading is pretty amazing. It brings lots of emotions. Tears, smiles, and laughter. Sydney is a spunky little spirit that is full of energy. She's always open to sharing new information, and making sure her mommy and daddy are ok. 

After meeting last night I know that Sydney is with us, and will continue to be with us. It's not easy Syd, because we really want you physically here with us, but if this is the closest thing we get then I'm happy. Thanks for sparkling Sydney! We are so proud of you, and will continue to look for all the new sparkle to come. 

Daylight savings

Time to push the clocks ahead and welcome spring. Time to welcome all the nice weather, all the outside activities, Sydney's anniversary next weekend, and of course Logan's birthday this month. No matter how much I talk about this week ahead it's going to be so difficult. I've been thinking of her constantly, and have been prepping myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I can already tell that my body is taking a beating from all the highs and lows lately. 

On the outside I look fine. I even have a little baby bump, but of course inside my heart is just an open would that aches each day. Yesterday's time change definitely threw me for a loop. I was tired when I woke up extra early, but it felt good to keep the door open and have it turn dark later in the evening.

This weekend was draining, and so will be this week. Sydney will be on my mind every hour as I try to make it by this week, but that's no different than any other day. I'm putting one foot forward, and going to try to do my best. 

My mind is very busy

This weekend I have to attend a conference in Boston for work. The conference is actually interesting and I'm with some great co-workers, but my mind is not only on school work, but also in Sydney mode. The countdown is on-7days away, and I can already feel my anxiety rising through my chest. It's hard to focus when your just thinking of all the emotions that will run through your head all week. 

I was so excited to see Logan after the conference today. All I could think about was him and Sydney all day. It's hard to leave him on the weekends, but I know he's spending quality time with daddy. I was greeted with a giant hug, and a "hi mama" as soon as I walked in. Boy do I love him a lot, and man is this week going to be difficult.

This mama is ready to take on tomorrow and the rest of the week. This will be such a hard week, but it's expected. We all know how quickly the "19th" is approaching.

Flashing back the Sparkle

As a parent you often have many flashback to some amazing moments, and then some moments that you want to forget. For myself I often get a glimpse back into the most amazing moments with Sydney, and then the dreaded flashback to the night she was taken from us. 

No matter how many times I tell the story to someone the pain just comes through my heart. Yesterday I had a chance to tell the story about Sydney to someone that didn't know it. The lady was so proud of the way I told her story and said, "thank you for sharing". As soon as I was done sharing, I got that pit in my stomach. A flashback to the night the doctors at the hospital said, "I'm sorry Mr. And Mrs. Craven there is nothing else we can do", or even "she's not breathing Heather" as I ran into their bedroom. As a parent nothing prepares you for something like that. I have multiple flashbacks from that night, and even the one of Logan who just cried, because he didn't know what was going on. He was comforted, and thankfully will only have the beautiful memories that we remember with of Sydney. 

I retell the story so many times, because it helps. It makes me sad, but then happy that we're coming along so strong. It's not easy, and I'll say it until I'm old and gray, but "I want everyone to remember Sydney." Flashbacks or not she had an amazing little life, and will always shine and sparkle on!!!

The News is Out

The news is out and boy does it feel good. Obviously I've known for awhile, but when you're such an open person it's hard to hide something that is so important to you. One of the most exciting things that I can't wait to start is writing a new blog. After I finish my 365 Days of Sparkle, I will start a new blog that focuses on being pregnant after losing a child. No one prepares you for losing a child, and no one prepares you for the rollercoaster of emotions once you  become pregnant. I have so many highs and lows all the time. Not only will my first blog help others, but this second blog will help someone going through something similar like me. Like I said before, I am an open book, and can't wait to share more about this experience. As we come up to the 19th next week the pain is just as strong. Even with good news my heart still aches. I'd do anything to have her here, and experience this with her brother, mommy, and daddy. As much as it hurts I know she will be with us. She might not be here physically, but will make sure her "sparkle" does shine down! 

Sharing a Special Announcement

You know the expression "A picture is worth a 1000 words", well the picture that we posted yesterday sure was that! Logan's going to be a big brother come September 2016. We are so overjoyed with so many emotions that it's hard to keep them all straight. Support is what we want and support and love is what we got, and will continue to receive. I'm so excited that the news is officially out there, and we can take one day at a time, and move forward. Nothing is going to change with the "sparkle", and we will continue to make it by next week and in the future. One thing is for sure is that this baby will be loved so much, and will have a special little "sparkle angel" looking over us each day. Thank you for all the love and support we have received thus far. We are blessed, our hearts are filled with love, and we will continue to sparkle on!!!

LoLo giggles with Ne-Ne

Yesterday a video was posted by Auntie Krissy that melted my heart. Sydney's giggle was just infectious, and could be heard everywhere we went. Her spunky personality, her dancing feet, those piggy-tails, and that giggle pretty much summed up our baby girl.

I always like to share videos and pictures with Logan. He always says, "mama let me see". Last night we watched Sydney's video three times together, and the best part was that Logan was laughing along with his sister the whole time. I tried not to cry, because it really hurts so bad. I think it hurts so much, because there's no reason she shouldn't be here with us today. It's just such an awful feeling that she's not here with her "brotha". I do all we can to keep her memories alive. One day Logan will talk about his "Ne-Ne" to everyone he meets. Logan has a heart of gold, and reminds me so much of Sydney. That's how I survive everyday. I know somehow that Sydney is with him.