Is Baby Maddox here yet?

Since the day I found out I was pregnant again, I became so excited to see what Logans reaction would be. It didn't surprise me at all that Logan was beyond excited to be a "big brother" and hop into a big role. He's constantly kissing my belly and asking, "Is Maddox coming today?"

Logan has the responsibility of teaching Maddox all the good and bad, while also reminding him about the sparkle that is his older sister. It breaks my heart at times to know that Sydney isn't physically here to witness this. I often get this heavy weight on my heart that just pushes at times when I think of what life would be like if she was here. Not only would things be totally different, but I wouldn't ache as much. 

Yesterday Logan came with me to my ultrasound. He was invaded with stickers by all the staff there. Most of the technicians and nurses remember me from the twins, or know of Sydney's situation. Of course when I brought Logan in they were so excited. He was excited to see his brother on TV. 

As the technician zoomed in for Logan and we both got to hear the heartbeat it made me feel better. This is my new life, and what will be completely turned around in a little less than 11 weeks away. Logan was so excited to see the pictures of baby Maddox, and we both laughed together, because the technician said, "look at those cheeks." If baby Maddox will get anything from Logan I hope it will be those "cheeks for days". 

As we count down the weeks we will have our highs and lows. Makes me happy how excited Logan is. I can't wait to see him hold his little brother for the first time. This will probably be a moment that I won't forget. 

Sydney's Crib

The other day I had moved a bunch of things out of Sydney's room, and left one of the hardest things- her crib. Yesterday it was time to tackle the last thing in her room. Shane and I have a plan for her crib, and are working on finishing the project this week. We are trying to turn Sydney's crib into a toy box/bench. Before we could start this project I had to move all of her stuff out of the crib. In her crib was everything that was very special to me. This has not been touched since the week after Sydney had passed away. I was going to do this with some help, but decided it was something that needed to be done by me alone. I was initially alright, then all of a sudden the tears began to flow. I couldn't catch my breath, and had to stop. I took a break and headed back. Out came all the stuff and will be ready to go into the bench. As I finished the crib all I could think about was how no one should ever have to go through this. It was painful, just painful. I ask myself "why us?" every day I 

still haven't figured it out. 

Thinking way to much at 4:30am

4:30am most people are sleeping, but I am tossing and turning, and trying to get my mind to shut off. The third trimester has arrived, and that means less sleep, more aches, more bathroom breaks, and a lot more stress before Maddox comes. Life throws your curve balls and your expected to bounce back. I feel that we've been given a few curve balls, taken some hits, and still have made it through. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about welcoming a new baby into this world again. I'm actually panicking, overwhelmed, and anxious all at the same time. So many mixed emotions that come into play daily. From all the Sydney transition, to remembering what I need for a newborn. Might seem like a lot to stress about, but when you have a full plate like me it's often easy to just panic. By 5:15am I was telling myself to breathe, go back to sleep, and that I'll figure it out. Don't we always figure it out? 

Changing a room

The day has come when I finally started to pick apart Sydney's room and get it ready for baby Maddox. Yesterday was filled with so many emotions, and was physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. I had to move all of Sydney's toys, and treasures into bins up into the attic for safe keeping. There were a few things that I'll always keep forever. Sydney's "Cinderella Castle" that was bought by Shane the Christmas before the twins were born. This was supposed to be opened when Sydney turned 3, but we never made it that far. One day we will pass this on, but for now it's going away for safe keeping. 

Maddox's room is a process, and will take some time, but the end result will be worth it. Change is not easy, but taking it one day at at time will help. Sydney's memories will live on in that room forever, and I know she will always be with us.

Changing a picture

Doesn't seem like a big deal to many people, but changing my Facebook profile picture is something that is so difficult. "Why", some might ask? It's because Sydney isn't in the picture. I mean the picture I put up symbolizes her from the Tutu Run and SparkleFest, but she's not "physically" in it. Sounds like a small problem, but to me it just makes my heart uneasy. 

I'm learning that it's ok to change things, and it's ok to move forward; however it's just not easy at times. Change is hard for anyone, but it's especially difficult after losing a child and moving forward. 

Happy Father's Day Shane

There's one person in my life that often gets under looked at times. That's my hubby. I am the face, and the president of Sydney Craven Memorial Fund, but Shane is right behind me. He's just a little quieter with his emotions than I am. I'd say that's why we compliment each other so well. 

Yesterday was a day to honor, and celebrate such an amazing man who gives his all for his family even when the biggest tradgedy hits us so hard. I know Shane grieves just like me, probably even harder but it's often not shown. He's dedicated to his work, dedicated to his family, and all the loved ones that are in his life. Everyday, and especially on Father's Day I want him to know how special and amazing he is. Without him I wouldn't be complete.

 Logan is his daddies mini-me, and I hope as he grows up he has all the great qualities that Shane has. With Maddox on the way I know things won't be easy emotionally, but we will make it through. We have Sydney looking over us from above, and lots of love to make us stronger each day. Hope you had a fun Father's Day Shane. You deserve it!!! 

Sydney's 1st Tutu Run and SparkleFest

I'm not sure where to begin. Yesterday was all I could have imagined for my baby girl. The list is just to long to thank everyone individually, but just wanted to personally send my graditude to all that made yesterday a successful first event. I remember standing at the gazebo before my speech yesterday, and just looking out at the sea of pink that filled the East Bridgewater common. One word came to my mind, "perfect." That's all I wanted was for people to come out in there pink, tutus, and sparkle for Sydney. I feel like the emotions haven't hit me yet. I'm still on a high with emotions. It's almost comparable to your wedding day when you just plan for months, and then the day hits and you go through the motions, and then need to reflect a day or two after of what really happened. 

With the grieving process it comes with highs and lows. Yesterday was definitely a high, because I got my strength from all my sparklers and Sydney. I couldn't be where I am today without my amazing family, friends, and supporters near and far. One year down many more to go. Sydney would want this to go on for a long time. I'm ready to reflect on yesterday, and move towards future events. The sun was shining yesterday, and I know Sydney was there watching everyone sparkle for her.