The pain of a grieving mommy

I struggled with writing something yesterday, but then I found a picture that made me realize the pain I go through every single day. There are days when I feel that grieving isn't so bad, days when I feel like I don't have to grieve anymore and it will go away, or days when reality hits, and I realize that it's going to be forever. I found this quote that pretty much sums up my daily life as a grieving mother.

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Often people say "you have to experience it yourself to understand", and in most cases I tend to disagree. I feel that one can understand something without personally going through it. However there is one situation you have to have gone through personally to truly understand, and that is baby loss. Until you have risen on that plane ride of joy, and are then pushed out without any preparation and definitely without a parachute, you can not possibly fathom or grasp the feelings a person experiences when the child they have created has died.- Zoe Clark-Coates/ Sayingoodbye.org

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The words are simply stated for me and express the deepest most raw emotions

that I have daily. It's so not easy, and I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone!!!

Feeling a little kick

 

I remember the first time I felt the twins kick inside my belly. I was actually around 22 weeks, and was so unsure of the feeling, because there were two with limited room. It was hard to decipher the two. Flash forward to a new pregnancy, to new feelings, and new pregnancy milestones. I am now over 16 weeks and  I think I felt my little buddy kick today. It felt just like bubbles popping in my belly. Like any parent you become unsure of the feeling, but when the kicks grow more intense throughout the day you can definitely confirm that you had felt the baby.

It's a crazy feeling to actually know that there is a little life inside you. It's also a crazy feeling to express what I'm going through emotionally. It's hard to envision myself as a newborn mommy again, but I try my hardest. Once a mommy always a mommy. Here's to new milestones that will hit hard at times, and a new life we are bringing into this world. I haven't met this little buddy yet, but I can already tell that I'm going to try to be the best mommy I can be. 

 

Ne-Ne came to visit

We all know that Sydney comes to daycare to visit her brother and his friends. It was only time that she would visit again. To be honest I missed hearing that she wasn't there from Logan. When I got to daycare yesterday Emily handed me two art projects. Two brown snails that he made at daycare. Logan told Emily that he needed to do two projects, one for him and one for Ne-Ne. When Emily asked if she was there Logan said, "yeah" and pulled up the chair next to him. He said, "Ne-Ne wants a snail too". When I picked up Logan I of course wanted to know, so I asked him. He said, "yup I saw Ne-Ne today. I made her a snail" Logan and I went to visit her area together and he was so excited to tell her about his picture for her. I get so excited when I hear Logan talk about her that I often pry to much. I have a tendency to keep asking questions, because I feel it's my only way to connect with her. Logan's response was, "mama I'm sad I don't want to talk anymore". This broke my heart. Shame on me for prying so much. Logan has feelings too, and I need to remember that he's still young, and might not understand. 

When we got home Logan was ready to have dinner, but prior to dinner he came up to me and said, "mama Ne-Ne is here, and she wants an ice cream sandwich with me". Now initially I would never give an icecream before dinner, but wanted to see what he did. I asked where she was, because I was so curious. He pointed to her area and placed an opened ice cream sandwich on her chair. I left it there for awhile, but then told Logan it was going to melt. We both agreed to put it back in the freezer for later. 

No matter how much Logan talks about her it's always hard. I'd rather have her physically here with us, and not out of my sight. Over time it will get easier, but I wish more than anything that I could see her again. One more time to hold her, and one more time to give her a kiss. I hope more than anything she knows how much her mama loves her, and that I hope she comes back soon. Mama needs some sparkle baby girl, but until then please keep on visiting your "brotha". I know he loves you very much!

I'm a grieving pregnant mommy

I really wish people could look inside my mind, and physically see the emotions that swirl around each day in my head. What seems to be bothering me the most lately is managing my hormones with the constant grieving of Sydney every day. Welcoming a baby into this world again will be truly amazing; however I am always wishing I could have my baby girl back to be part of this next chapter of our lives. 

This constant mind rollercoaster is very exhausting mentally and physically. I'm working so hard on myself to be the best I can be, but unfortunately there are days when my emotions get the best of me. I'm a grieving pregnant mommy. It sounds exhausting just saying it! Being truthful helps, and letting it out is even better. I take the good with the bad, and carry on each day!

Mamas having a baby

I've made it to 16 weeks, and people have asked if Logan is excited about being a big brother and the answer is, "yes". To be honest he's very excited, and tells everyone he knows that he's going to have a baby brother. He also mentions, "he has a baby sister". We talk a lot about "Ne-Ne" all the time, and how Shane and I reference her as "our baby girl". It makes me so happy that Logan talks about Sydney all the time. He also says, "that he has a baby in his belly too. One just like his mama". This makes me smile. I can't wait for Logan to have a special bond with his little brother just like he did with his sister. One day Logan will explain to the new baby how special their sister is, and all about the sparkle. I know Logan will do such a great job, because he loves is "Ne-Ne" so much!!!

        *see the baby in my belly mama*

The good days out weight the bad ones

Yesterday my patience was tested as a mommy. Now usually I can handle a little whining and crying, because it's far and few between with LoLo; however, when your just turned 3 year old has a slight temper-tantrum in Target because he wants a toy you often sing a different tune. 

I did what most moms would do and didn't give in and ignored. Even though the tears that rolled down his chunky cheeks were a sore sight to see. I stuck to my limit. 

I get so sad though when I start to lose my patience on my little man, because even though he's 3 years old he acts much older. He's such a good boy!

Don't get me wrong his good days out weigh his bad ones, yet I find myself compelled to think about how lucky I am to have a healthy boy, and then get so sad that Sydney isn't here. It's hard, because I miss Sydney so much, but need to understand that sticking to my limits is necessary for a child to learn right from wrong. 

I take the good with the bad, and carry on my life with one less twin, and a new baby on the way. I'm only human and I know my patience will be tested very often. I'm a mommy that deals with the hardest thing each day- losing a child, and raising another.

Goodbye March...Hello April

Well I did it. I survived the month of March. It wasn't easy at all, but with all the love and support from family and friends we remembered, made a beautiful announcement for our family, and continued to sparkle on for Sydney. Making it through the year mark, and their birthday was definitely exhausting emotionally and physically. We took the good with the bad, and always took one step forward. As we said goodbye to March we will continue to do our best in April. Bring on the flowers, the sunshine, April Vacation, and more memories. See you later March, we will see you next year!!!