The profile picture

With Sydney's 1 year anniversary coming up less then two weeks away, I can't help myself but feel a pit in my stomach. It's hard to imagine that our precious baby girl has been gone for this long. It feels like just yesterday she was smiling and laughing with all the ones she loved. 

Since her passing I haven't changed my Facebook profile picture. I felt I owed it to Sydney to remember us as a family of "4". Sounds silly right? For me not so much. I had ample opportunities to change my profile picture but couldn't until yesterday. It was my time to change it, and remember our baby girl, the twin bond, and the family time we shared. For the next few days until her anniversary I will keep it up. I want people to remember her always, and keep her sparkle going. Grieving as her mother will never end, and I'm sure it won't get easier, but will subside a little. Until then I'll keep on remembering, and try my hardest to keep her sparkle alive. She was just an amazing little girl that can't be forgotten. 

Going to a party without Syd

Every time I think about what life was like last year with Sydney and Logan together, I get so tired, drained and sad.

It's a lot to do something again that I did with Sydney last year. Yesterday we went to a birthday party that we were at last year with Sydney and Logan. Over time it does get easier to attend events, but I still feel that people feel different around me. I wonder if they want to ask questions, or say something, but don't. Some people won't even mention anything, because they don't know what to say. That's what happens most of the time. Logan had a blast and I had fun watching him, but we missed Sydney. She should have been there today, and every day. It's just not fair, and is completely unimaginable. 

We are so lucky that Logan is such a happy boy, and has adjusted so well. Logan's excitement makes my heart happy. It often helps me get by knowing that Sydney is not coming back. That is just the worst part of it all! Somedays it's harder than others. 

Easter Bunny Fun

Can't believe that Easter is so early this year. It's actually the day after Logan and Sydney's birthday. Reminds me of when they were born on the 28th and Easter was 4 days later. I don't mind Easter being this early, but it just means I need to be more prepared through the month. Last year Sydney was petrified of the Easter Bunny and did everything in her power to leave his lap, while Logan smiled happily. Of course I needed to get a picture with the Easter Bunny this year, but it was different. Logan sat by himself, because his twin wasn't there anymore. It's so sad to me at times. I don't know if my emotions are hightened, because we're a few weeks away from her anniversary? It's just an awful feeling. Logan gave his best smile, and looked like he was "5" years old. We had a great day yesterday as we spent it with his god mommy Alysha and cousin Sophia. We did the Rainforest Cafe, and finished with making a Marshall at Build-A-Bear. Logan was happy so we were happy. I've said it before, but Logan's smile makes my heart feel better even when I'm missing Sydney so much. 

Paw Patrol

Some days I wonder what Sydney would be into. Would she be into Paw Patrol as much as Logan, or would she be a princess fanatic? The funny thing is that Logan loves exactly what I believe Sydney would have loved. I'm not sure of many boys that love princesses and cars at the same time, but Logan takes the prize. It makes me so happy to see his face lit up when he attends something that he enjoys.

Last night we went to a Paw Patrol meet and greet. He's Paw obsessed, so he was in his glory when Chase and Marshall gave him a hug. It gets easier to attend things without Syd, but I often wonder what it would be like if Sydney was there. I'm not going to lie I envy the little girls that have bows in their hair, and their pink paw patrol shirts on. That's what stinks. 

I bet Sydney was watching yesterday. The smile on Logan's face says it all. I know she'd want her brotha to be happy, because sometimes that's the best medicine to heal a mending heart.

Happy Birthday Bronco

I remember the day Shane brought Bronco home 9 years ago. He was 3 months old and could fit practically in the palm of my hand. They say dogs become part of your family and that is absolutely true. Bronco has been through so much with us. Shane and I got engaged, married, moved to our first house, and Bronco helped us welcome Sydney and Logan into his house. Bronco had a big responsibility to be the "big brother" to Logan and Sydney. He sure didn't like when they would grab his tail, but he  always found a way to let them know he loved them both. 

Dogs definitely sense things that are going on, and we are so lucky that Bronco let us know something was wrong with Sydney the night she passed. The following days after you could tell Bronco was a changed dog. It was sad. He lost weight, and wasn't his perky self. As the year has gone on Bronco has become best buddies with Logan. Everyday Logan is asking where his brother Bronco is, and wants to cuddle with him. 

Logan's request this year was to celebrate Bronco's birthday. He wanted a cake he could eat, and party hats. We sang happy birthday, took a picture, and ate cake. I'd say we had a good birthday for Bronco. Here's to another birthday with our four-legged friend. 

This mama is sleepy

Some days you just need an extra cup of a coffee, or a nap to help get by the day. Neither was an option yesterday, so I basically struggled throughout the day and early afternoon. I wonder why I'm so tired? One word-stress! 

I think the lack of sleep lately finally caught up to me. The only way to solve the sleepiness was to go to bed early, and that's what happened. Sleep is very important especially in the weeks to come. This mama needs rest, relaxation, and some LoLo snuggles to help.

Hello March Let's Sparkle

We have officially hit March 1st, which means a month full of ups and downs!!! We will be happy, sad, mad, and sometimes all of the above which is normal. I am going to try my hardest to make it to the 19th and focus so much on how far we've come this year since Sydney's passing. I want everyone to embrace the sparkle that shines from above, and continue to keep her sparkle alive. 

This month we will celebrate Sydney's life, the twin bond, and Logan turning 3 years old. The birthday flag is up in the yard and it won't be easy, but with the support and love from others we might just be ok. One day down, 18 more to go. This mama is trying to be strong, and keep the sparkle alive. Let's do this March...I think I'm ready.